two

Our Story

Christopher was my 4th son, born perfectly healthy on November 04, 1972, and while I didn't know it at the time of course I would have him in my life for almost 4 weeks.
Christopher was a chubby baby, with a ton of coal black hair and very dark eyes that
probably would have been dark brown. He was a 'good' baby, seldom fussed or
cried except when he was hungry or needed to be changed. He loved to cuddle and
of course I loved to cuddle him!

It wasn't that I had never heard of SIDS before, although at that time it was called 'crib death'. A neighbours niece had died of crib death. I had looked after that little girl for a few hours
one day while her parents went out. She was only a few months younger than my oldest son. Her death had a strong impact on me and I often thought of that family over the years. As well, long time family friends had nearly lost their daughter to a serious apnea episode and later,
concerned about SIDS they had been told that SIDS generally occurs within
15 - 20 minuntes after a baby has been put down after a feeding. That was information from
the mid 1960's however it stayed in my mind and I was always cautious about that when I had my kids. With Christopher I was probably what could be called hyper vigilent by hindsight.
In fact, later my mother would ask me if I had a premonition.

I don't know if it was premoniton or not but what I do know is that at about 2:30 a.m. on December 01, 1972 I woke up and saw my son dead in his craddle and my life was shattered.
I knew the second my eyes were upon him that he was gone and when I leapt from the couch to
the craddle, presumably my intent was to shake life into him he was already cold and firm.
Horrified, devastated, awake in my worst nightmare, I turned from the craddle thinking that if I
could reach the phone and connect with another adult maybe I would be able to make it through this.

Alone, with 3 other little kids who were sleeping, I made it to the phone and called a girlfriend. She would later say that I owed her a year of my life for the year I took off her's when she picked up the phone that night to hear me screaming, 'My baby is dead, my baby is dead'. She assured me she would be right there and also brought a family friend who was an R.N.

The next couple of days passed at a snails pass and yet they flew by, I seemed to be in some type of state of shock. I could speak, I could walk, but, I was in my own world I think. The funeral arrangements were made all too soon, no time to think, no time to remember the little things. My heart was broken, I didn't want to live any longer but then I didn't want to leave my other little ones at home who were very confused by all that had happened. At that time, nearly 32 years ago now, children were 'protected', rather than included. The first week after, I was in no shape to make decisions, to care for them, in fact, I tried not to be around them too much because now I was no longer naive, I knew the pain that I would feel if another of my children should die and I was trying to protect myself. Which of course was foolish as you can't turn off love but it would take a week before I could pick up the pieces to be a full time mom again to my other 3 sons.

I was fortunate to have a very close friend who listened to me for hours while I poured out my pain in those early months. To others I probably appeared quite 'normal'; I wanted to be 'dignified' in my grieving so that my son would be proud of his mommy. About 4 or 5 months after Christopher's death I dreamt about him, it was the most real dream I have ever had. It was so real I could feel my baby in my arms, I could smell his precious smell. I tried so hard to hang onto that dream as long as possible. I didn't want it to end. But, it was from that day on that I knew that I
would get through this. Through the pain of the loss of someone so special, the pain of the loss of my baby, my baby who should have had the chance to do all the things Mom's love to see, first teeth, crawling, first steps. I learned to live with the empty spot in my heart.

It has all been a journey, one no one ever expects that they will take. I would later have another son, a subsequent, so, with 4 living sons I was busy. The years went by with school, sports, after school jobs, careers, marriages, and then grandchildren. Wow, how did that much time go by? I kept up with everything new that came out about SIDS and of course whenever I heard of or read of a SIDS death my heart broke for those parents. When my sons and their wives were having their families for a number of reasons I didn't mention SIDS very often. However, after my last grandchild was born and by the time she was a year or so I began to gather all that I could in regard to SIDS.
It was a lot! Later still I would join a support group that encouraged openess and that was a first in my experience ~ it seemed to fit me quite well as I embraced it with open arms. I have joined another group as well that promotes letter writing to all forms of media and been successful in bringing about more awareness about SIDS. There are links to both these groups on my front page.