When a child dies, there are so many hopes and dreams that are lost. The right to watch our children grow and experience all the things life has to offer is gone. The hopes of tomorrow are ripped away. You cling to the past, not wanting to let go, not wanting one precious memory to fade. Not wanting to believe this is real. You walk a thin line between reality and denial. Every morning when I wake up, I have to face the fact again that Shane is gone, that I will not see his face today, I will not hear his voice, I will not hear I love you Mom........So many things will never be the same, I will never be the same. I am not the person I used to be, most of the time I don't like this person I am. I was once a strong person, but no more. I go through my days just trying to hold on to what is left of me.
I look at my two daughters and wonder why. Why do they have to to live without a big brother who meant the world to them. Why at this young age do they have to grow up so fast, why do they have to experience this kind of pain. Their protector, their comfoter, their friend, their big brother is gone. He was one of them. Never again can their lives be the same. They cannot get back what they have lost.
When I look at Shane's two beautiful daughters, my heart breaks and at the same time it is so filled with love. Shane lives on through his daughters, he has left a living legacy. But it breaks my heart that they will never know their wonderful Daddy except by memories. They will not remember how he was there for their first six and a half months of their lives. They will know his love by what we teach them.
I look at Tabitha (his wife). Seventeen years old, too young to be a wife and mother of twins, much less a widow. They were only married a little over a year. Just as they were beginning to adjust to being a couple and parents...it is all gone.
We all have been cheated, by this senseless act of violence, Shane's family, his friends, all who knew him and all those who had yet to meet him.
I miss Shane so much, I have lost a part of me that I can never get back. I hate the thought of living the rest of my life without him, it scares me. But I have my daughters and his daughters and so many other people who care about me. And I know Shane wants me to live and to be happy again........someday I will.
