Editorials
You know what cheeses me off? People who claim to be open-minded and then spew random, illogical facts which they claim aid their cause and then refuse to listen to why it is that they're idealistic morons. You know what else cheeses me off? How I haven't won the lottery yet. People tell me, "You gotta buy a ticket before you can win the lottery," but, to quote paranoid 1950s America, "I don't buy into that Commie propaganda. You are hereby blacklisted" Then they tell me, "Hey man, you can't blacklist me. I have a compost pile." Then I ask them what constitutes a compost pile. They tell me they sometimes toss apple cores into their backyard, so as far as they know, there is a compost pile back there. I tell them, "that's moronic." Then I blacklist them. It's great how you do that... It's like a lord in the middle ages, tossing whoever he pleases into the iron maiden. Can't you just see that diary entry?
Dear Diary,
Today I sat down to breakfast, but my hog was tepid and my mead was entirely too warm, so I had the peasant thrown in the iron maiden. Then I wrote to the field about how my campaign against the savage Spaniards was going, but the reply was altogether too blunt, so I had the general thrown in the iron maiden. It isn't easy to have an iron maiden sent to Spain, but it had to be done. Three peasants died carrying it over, and their families were far too whiny, so I had them thrown in the iron maiden. I asked the lackey to bring me my wench, but he brought me instead a winch, so I had him thrown in the iron maiden. It had been 14 months, and my boils were acting up again, so I decided to bathe in the river. To my dismay, however, upon my jumping into the water (I must maintain my athletic image if I am to remain such a source of wonderment to those befuddling little peasants), I discovered it was entirely too cold, so I had god thrown in the iron maiden. When my Sir Reginald said they couldn't find god to put in the iron maiden, I threw him in instead. I then realized I'd thrown all my courtiers in, so I retired to sleep. Good service is so hard to come by.
There you have it... I went from liberal junkies to the iron maiden's day of glory in six lines. I'm on the ball today. Over and out.
- Webmaster Judinkle, August 6, 2004