SNL Opening Monologue
(Oct. 23rd, 2004)
Jude: Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you, it�s wonderful to be here, in New York City! Thank you� [cheering continues in one corner of the audience] Thank you! [laughs] You know, a lot of you may know me from my film work. Perhaps from the� [counts on fingers and mumbles under breath] 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 films� which I have coming out right now. But you know, I actually started in the theater, and hosting the show reminds me of that time in my life when everyone would work very long hours, stay up nights rehearsing �til everything was just right, because we loved it so much. I remember the first time, I remember my first opening night in Repertory Theatre. I was playing Happy in Death of a Salesman at the West Yorkshire playhouse in Leeds. I went to the theatre very early that night, I remember I sat in my tiny dressing room with a bare light bulb hanging from the ceiling. And even though it smelled like cigarettes and stale beer, I had never been happier. And as I was putting on my make-up, I looked in the mirror (I remember this so clearly), I looked in the mirror� and I thought �� good God� I am so good-looking!� I mean, look at this face! This face does not belong in a crappy little theatre in Leeds. Honestly� [begins to sing] �I took one look in the mirror, and I could clearly see that there was one perfect thing in it, and that thing was me.� [speaks] You know, people they think it�s easy going through life looking like this� it is. It�s easy. [sings] �I don�t need to really act, I don�t need a big heart, I don�t need to be nice, I don�t need to be smart!� [speaks] I am, that�s just a bonus. Ladies?

[Maya, Tina, Amy and Rachel come out in a chorus line and begin singing back-up]

Ladies: �He�s the most beautiful man we ever saw! In some states that smile�s against the law!�
Rachel: [speaks] I wanna be against the law! Jude Law that is.
Ladies: �We don�t mean to be crude, but when we�re in the mood, the one man we think of is Jude!�
Rachel: [speaks] Thinking of Jude!
Tina: Totally nude!
Rachel: About to be screw�
Jude: Yeah, alright. [singing] �I�ve made women swoon, and Matt Damon cry, Nicole Kidman melt when she gazed in my eye. My looks don�t fit the common belief that Englishmen have big ears and bad teeth.�
Ladies: �He�s the most beautiful man in the world!�
Jude: [speaks] You know, usually� when you�re this good-looking, people think you�re gay. I�m just English. I�m SO GOOD-LOOKING, I mean, I don�t even need to be funny to make people laugh, watch this� Tina?
Tina: What is it, Jude?
Jude: What�s that over there? [he points and she looks] Made you look. [she laughs uncontrollably] See what I mean?
Tina: That is so funny. And I�m a professional comedian. [she leans in close and smells him]
Jude: It�s so easy. No one even ever corrects me. Oh! Everyone! It�s tonight�s musical guest, Jessica Simpson!
Ashlee: Oh, actually it�s� [swoons] You can call me Jessica.
Jude: Maya! Maya!
Maya: Yes?
Jude: Have you met Jessica?
Ashlee: Actually it�s Ashlee�
Jude: Ash�Ashlee?
Ashlee: Ashlee.
Jude: [laughs] Oh, I�m so sorry!
Maya: Oh no! It�s okay, it�s okay!
Amy: Omigod you guys, I totally made that mistake, too! [all the women start bantering in non-understandable dialogue until they all go silent][to Jude] I LOVE YOU.
Jude: [sings] �I�m just a regular guy.�
Ladies: �No, you�re more than okay!�
Maya: [speaks] I�d like to get to know ya in a biblical way.
Ladies: [singing] �We don�t mean to be rude, but we can conclude, that we�re in the mood for a man named� [the ladies encircle him as he crouches down and slowly rises with the spotlight on him, as music for �Hey Jude� begins to play] naaaa naa naa na na na naaaa� na na na naaaa� Hey Jude!�
Jude: [belts out] �Jude Juuudey Judey Judey Judey Judey, WOW!!!� [speaks] Thank you, ladies! As it turns out, Ashlee Simpson is here. Stick around, we�ll be right back! [singing and music continue]
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(Thanks to Law of Desire)
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