July 4, 2001

1:21 PM-- Woke up after a hard morning of sleeping in. This is the first time I donned the old fisherman's hat, which I stole from an old man and an antique flail, thereby transforming into Darwin Delantri, Worldwide Supervillain! Had a villainous breakfast of Fruit Loops and sang along to "Here's to the Night" by Eve 6. It was obviously going to be a good day.

1:45 PM-- Went online to begin recruiting my future legions of evil. Quickly got tired of getting my own coffee, so I tried to hire a ninja secretary first. Sent e-mails to Jodie Foster and Callista Flockhart, each time 'accidentally' hitting the send button exactly 823 times. 1:52 PM-- Received legal threats and online restraining orders from Ms. Foster's and Ms. Flockhart's lawyers telling me to stay no less then 3000 cyber meters away from their clients at all times. Attempted to hire a panel of experts to determine exactly what that means, but I made the mistake of trying to hire Jodie Foster and Callista Flockhart again.

2:01 PM-- Came up with the idea to call my evil dummy corporation that will be forever engaged in acts of supreme felony at all times 'VETO Inc.' which stands for The Vile Evil (something that begins with 'T' that I have yet to think of) Organization Incorporated.

2:04 PM-- Ate 'lunch'. For me, lunch constitutes a concoction of Tang and Sprite. Made this the official drink of VETO. In a flurry of form-signing, also made Rhesus monkeys the official animal of VETO Inc, pus the official color of VETO Inc, zebra stripes the official wallpaper of VETO Inc, Fujin the official spokeswoman of VETO Inc, rotting carcass the official smell of VETO Inc, and myself the official love machine of VETO Inc.

2:34 PM-- Ordered my Official Batman Handbook of Supervillainery through express mail.

2:51 PM-- Came into the realization that Batman is not an internationally recognized supervillain, and therefore should not have a handbook on the subject. I began thinking that this was a Batman-sanctioned trap for thwarting aspiring supervillains and then subjected them to treatment like that from A Clockwork Orange, so I tried to hire lawyers to set up a case against Batman for attempting to crush my dreams with his waves of inky justice. Unfortunately, I tried to hire Jodie Foster and Callista Flockhart. Got replies from their lawyers almost instantly. Since I could not find anyone to run a lawsuit against Batman, I messed up all the clocks in my house instead.

2:94 WM-- Batman came to my door with my new handbook disguised as a delivery boy. He was clearly confused by my clock-tampering and bizarre hat, so I hit him with my flail when he wasn't looking and set him out with the trash.

A:0! W3-- Sat down with my new handbook and set myself onto the basis concepts and requirements of becoming a supervillain and holding the world hostage. According to my new text-mentor, I needed to have a tough guy for breaking into good guys' skulls and bank vaults, a slinky bodyguard chick that can use ninja moves against people that pose a threat to my evil life, an arch-nemesis to try and destroy periodically, and a super-weapon capable of destroying the world for no good reason. Since I had none of these, I put some socks on slid around the hardwood floors for twenty minutes to the tune of old songs by the Pretenders and Moby. I crashed into the fuse box and caused a minor blackout in the town, thereby causing my first evil act.

12:00 AM-- Went out to the store and bought a new clock to celebrate.

3:53 PM-- Set about getting the things I needed to become a supervillain. Luckily, the first came about by itself. Rod Sterling came out from behind a faucet and started threatening me. I decided that he could be my new arch-nemesis, so I went back online to try and dig up the necessary minions.

3:54 PM-- Put Fisher's Breakable on Winamp.

3:55 PM-- Started crying from the miserable beauty of the song. Rod Sterling started to make fun of me for it.

3:56 PM-- Hit Rod Sterling with my flail and knocked him dead. Since I killed him with one blow, he was obviously not my arch-nemesis, and I was back at square one. I put him out with the trash beside the alleged Batman, who started groaning when I got there. I hit him with the flail again and yelled something in slurred Mr. T-speak, which just seemed right at the moment.

3:58 PM-- Since I needed a new arch-nemesis, I picked a target at random to destroy. I came up with the Citadel MB, so I attempted to kill all messages in General Discussion with my mod-powers. However, I was foiled by one Cyrus Dogstar, who figured out my motives beforehand and made me a local moderator for the RP board. I therefore named Cyrus as my new arch-nemesis and sent an e-mail to that effect.

4:00 PM-- I didn't get an instant reply like I should for a message of such dire import, so I sent roughly eighty more messages that were all typed in rancid T-speak.

4:02 PM-- I realized that I wasn't sending mails to Cyrus Dogstar, and instead had the address of some plumber that lives in Newark. I gave up on threatening Dogstar for the time being and instead made a new Hotmail account for VETO Inc.

11:39 PM-- Convinced Zack to join VETO Inc. by offering him a company Lamborghini, a full dental plan, no actual duties, and a T-shirt that had a picture of Mr. T on it.

12:03 AM-- Went totally insane and declared that Gundam Wing's Lucrezia Noin was going to be my secretary, which Zack saw no problem with. Tried to convince her to be the company eye candy. Got a broken wrist.

2:12 AM-- Called the first meeting of VETO Inc. to order. Did nothing for ten minutes except deprecate Rod Sterling.

3:01 AM-- Talked to kamikaze and tried to get him to join VETO Inc. He said he's think about it. He still is.

4:31 AM-- Retired to bed after a hard day of working to make the world a more evil place. Made that the motto for VETO Inc. then fell asleep.

And so I enter another day of Working to Make the World a More Evil Place. There's so much to do today; I'd better get started soon.