Dear Spoiled,
You are acting like a spoiled brat. You are quite possibly the only one person in human history to ever be upset at your mother for caring. Think about all the times you don’t need a hug from her but she gives you one anyway; how terrible. Or how about all those times you want to borrow the car she paid a portion of her soul away for, and she lets you, only to have you go off to some rave where you wind up having unprotected sex in the back of it. After that, I’ll bet you wished she knew where you were, because maybe you would’ve not wound up bringing another unfortunate soul into this world, because you’ll remember how horrible it was when your mother kept asking where you were and treat the kid opposite, letting it turn out just like those people you read about but are sheltered from by your uncaring, mean mother.
Sincerely,
Abbie
Dear Frantic,
Since your mother won’t do anything about it, and for some reason you’re against ‘bodily harm,’ you need to hide the things you don’t want her to find better. My suggestion is this: buy a four-dollar padlock and metal plate for your bedroom door. Considering she’s eleven, she will realize that since there’s a padlock on the door, it is not her place to go. Talking to her also works, but on rare occasions. If you were to talk to her, however, I suggest you tell her to search through Mommy’s room for the real finds.
Sincerely,
Abigail Williams
Dear Unsure,
It is not your mom’s place to go rifling through your things without reason. But, perhaps she is just curious to know what is going on in your life, and you’re always too busy with your head up your boyfriend’s ass to talk to her. Instead of finding another hiding place like you’re six years old, sit down and talk to her, because she obviously wants to hear about you. For God’s sake, you have the rest of your life if you so feel like to live with your boyfriend, but you only have a little while longer to live with her; you need to prioritize your time and realize who you really need to be talking to. Another angle, of course, is to write something to your boyfriend that states how trusting you think she is and how much space she gives you. She’ll go off into her own private little guilt trip and have to live with the fact that she is a nosey, bad parent.
Sincerely,
Abbey Road