I haven't posted shit since the Democratic Debate, YouTube FakeFest
There. That's the right color. It matches oblivion's duality...black & white.
On one hand, a month or a year can seem so slow...but as you grow older and realize that one day you'll be dead forever, a year isn't anything. It's nothing at all. A lifetime is not even a flash in the longterm.
This moment is so small. I wish I could spend it loving someone.
I'm sitting at the computer...just checked my grades - they're slightly below average...that's about right. I'm on one consistent path to sub-par mediocrity that's going to wind up costing me a lot of money down the road. Down the road, it'll be 5 years, and I'll still be over my head in debt. I'll have bills constraining those dreams I went to college to achieve.
I won't even get out in time...especially after these grades this semester. I'll have two B's at best...I'm just constantly fucking up this thing called life.
I fucked up big with this girl, too...if ever there was a girl who fit that image of the girl in my dream (one I had when I was 12 years old) who would come and take me from the underground, take me from the FBI agents spying down my ventilator duct and smothering us with chloroform; if ever there was a girl who could transform me once more into the writing, breathing, fully alive man of vitality I have the potential to be - this was the girl. She breathed life into my soul for one beautiful week. I won't name her, but this girl...well, you get the idea. I blew it. I guess I let on too much that I wanted her. They don't like that.
How small-minded I'm being.
I almost forgot there will come that day when a day is no longer a day, a week is no seven days; indeed, a year will no longer be comprised of 12 months and a lifetime will transform from a notion of say 40-80 years into one of the perpetuality of life itself. The condition of Nature, of the trees, of habitable environments where microscopic creatures can experience joy, sorrow and Love - these will be the conditions for bliss and reincarnation, for Heaven and its Hellish counterpart in the violent storms of colliding galaxies which facilitate this life on the small scale - and black holes ejecting hawking radiation, and the eventual proposed deep-freeze of the entire Universe due at the end of its lifespan, that eventual cosmic heartbeat that must come pumping back in on itself lest the ectoplasm of the unknown rekindle it somewhere above absolute zero so we can explode again... To start anew.
The eternal truth of existence can not be heard. It can not be witnessed nor actively taken part in, yet we experience it 100% throughout the course of our lives. In that time when all are one, when all are on the inside, there can be none who experience it otherwise; such is the condition for our universe now, before and forever after.
Just thinking about this is starting to blind my open eyes and all I can really concentrate on is the buzzing of the electrical outlets. It is altering my brain-wave patterns. I don't like it. I unplugged everything. My head is loosening up now.
It's 4 o'clock in the morning. Sunday morning.
I talked to "that girl" on AIM ....... she was 'actually busy doing something else' and could not talk. She refuses to speak to me.
I must have done something really bad to fuck this up, right?
Well, we had sex ... the next day went pretty well, but I just kept jabbering away like a lunatic and I'd clearly spent too much time around her for just two days...kept yammering and hammering my message of adoration and she really didn't need that right then or now, or probably not for a long time but the point is I would be talking to her now if I had just plaaaayed it cooool the way I knew I should and not acted like such a fucking child. I have behaved myself so perfectly for every girl I never wanted...been a real model guy, you know - I always had my bearings, etc. I meet this girl I like and adore and want to shine into the stars with, and what do I do? I babble and coo like a little boy who just discovered his wee-wee and talk about this and that and exhibit low self-esteem and BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT it's like:
"What the fuck are you trying to do me heart? My brain wears the pants in this inter-organ relationship, you know your place!"
The Heart responds, "But James, you want her to like you for who you are, right? Show her every weakness and every insecurity you have, no matter how big or small, roll over like a dog exposing its belly to a superior dog and if she doesn't tear your guts out, you WIN!"
I almost wish she had torn out my fucking guts, Heart, because she did something worse...she turned her back and walked away thanks to you. If Brain had been in charge, I would have kept being the James I know people like, the calm, collective, "I have it all figured out and don't give a shit about--" There you go.
That's what happened. I wonder if I could somehow blame the Moon for this one? I'll think about that.
Maybe peoples' values have become skewed by the technological takeover, external stimuli and are not advanced enough to be positively driven by the forces of love?
We are a narcoticized animal, bred & built to sit in chairs and operate the machinery over which we are gods.
To achieve peace in our soul, we must be all ages at once - from birth until old age and on into death, at the age of 21, I must be all of these.
As a Race of Humans, we must be the primitive cave-painters and the biological/chemical engineers of the future. Combining passionate, earth-loving art with science, we could make the beautiful music Christians claim to hear as they ascend into Heaven.