1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
   
   
2. Use CB lingo where applicable.
   
   
3. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
   
   
4. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
   
   
5. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
   
   
6. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
   
   
7. Answer their questions with questions
   
   
8. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
   
   
9. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST, FREE-SPIRITED, COST-EFFICIENT, UKRAINIAN, PUCE.
   
   
10. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
    
    
11. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
    
    
12. Stutter on the letter "p."
    
    
13. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
    
    
14. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
    
    
15. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
    
    
16. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
    
    
17. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
    
    
18. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
    
    
19. Rent a pizza.
    
    
20. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
    
    
21. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
    
    
22. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
    
    
23. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
    
    
24. Imitate the order taker's voice.
    
    
25. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
    
    
26. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
    
    
27. Ask to see a menu.
    
    
28. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
    
    
29. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
    
    
30. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
    
    
31. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
    
    
32. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
    
    
33. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
    
    
34. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
    
    
35. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"
    
    
36. Be vague in your order.
    
    
37. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
    
    
38. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
    
    
39. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
    
    
40. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
    
    
41. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
    
    
42. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
    
    
43. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
    
    
44. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
    
    
45. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
    
    
46. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
    
    
47. Put them on hold.
    
    
48. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
    
    
49. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
    
    
50. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
    
    
51. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
    
    
52. When you're given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
    
    
53. Haggle.
    
    
54. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
    
    
55. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
    
    
56. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

-BACK-