1. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."
   
   
2. One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down."
   He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
   The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
   
   
3. If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you becuase, hey, free dummy.
   
   
4. Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
   
   
5. I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
   
   
6. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
   
   
7. If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
   
   
8. Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
   
   
9. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.
   
   
10. Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?
    
    
11. Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
    
    
12. I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
    
    
13. Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind."
    What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind.
    
    
14. If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
    
    
15. It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
    
    
16. If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
    
    
17. To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.
    
    
18. As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
    
    
19. I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
    
    
20. I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.
    
    
21. Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
    
    
22. Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
    
    
23. During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."
    
    
24. If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
    
    
25. When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
    
    
26. I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.
    
    
27. If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
    
    
28. If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.
    
    
29. Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
    
    
30. I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.
    
    
31. If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"
    
    
32. I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."
    
    
33. I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat." It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
    
    
34. Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."
    
    
35. If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.

-BACK-