Inside the Apes Lair
Welcome to the portion of the site where we interview one of your favorite Apes and ask them a series of questions based on the questionnaire devised by the brilliant Champagne Charlie.
This weeks guest is none other than sweeper extrordinaire / part time traffic cone for oncoming traffic nicknamed Chad......Mr. Davey Holmes!
CC: What's your favorite word?
DH: Brentford
CC: What is your least favorite word?
DH: Soccer.
The game is called Football
CC: What turns you on?
DH: The
wife when she isn't talking. So, not very much really.
CC: Level with us Dave, everyone says your wife, but we are trying to sell adverts here so help us out a little.
DH: Halle Berry is as fit as a butcher's dog. The woman has it all (except a certificate of graduation from Driver's Ed.). Though when you get to my age you get less selective and so it extends to any woman that's willing to put out for me. Which brings me full circle because that restricts me to the wife. Which makes me a lucky man.
CC: What turns you off?
DH:
I have to agree with Capn Block that the Welsh have to be high on the list, but
obesity is probably the worst.
CC: What noise or sound do you absolutely love?
DH: A whistle blowing to start a football match
CC: What sound or noise do you hate?
DH: A whistle blowing to end a football match
Also Chad
saying "Sorry Dave, was that you I just ran over?"
CC: What profession, other than amateur footballer, would you like to try?
DH: Billionaire
philanthropist
CC: What is required for membership in the Apes Drinking Club?
DH: Tolerance
of abuse whenever a goal is scored against us and the ability to laugh about it
over a few beers after the match. If it was up to me I would also add a
rule that prohibited running over the fucking sweeper in every match.
CC: What profession, other than member of the Apes Drinking Club, would you absolutely not want to participate in?
DH: Suicide
bomber. Poor career structure, little opportunity for promotion and a
derisory compensation package. Who wants seventeen birds who don't know
what they're doing?
(ADMIN Note: I believe suicide bombers are bequeated 71 virgins upon successful completion of their "missions" but have to agree with Dave in that its 71 too many tarts with no experience. you would think these guys would at least ask for proper sex in the afterlife....)
(Editor's
Note: both these idiots are wrong....You can inform
Champagne Charlie that, while he's closer to the correct figure than me, it's
actually 72 virgins that martyr's are supposed to get. It's bad enough
having to explain it once.... "No sweetheart that's not how it works.
Let me show you one more time." but 72 times!! You'd end
up getting them all in one classroom and saying "Look, before one of you
finally rips my Dick off, I'm going to show you how the damn thing works. And
for God's sake, those of you with long fingernails, get them cut. I get
very nervous when someone goes down there with a handful of sharp
objects!!" They also refer to them as 72 wives which implies 72
mother-in-laws which is something even Dante was too terrified to include in his
Inferno.
There is some debate over the validity of this
promise as the Koran never refers to the promise of virgins at all. In
fact, this particular theological nugget comes from word of mouth of those close
to the prophet. As a final twist, it is possible that the word is, in
fact, a mistranslation and should read "white grape" rather than
virgin. I can easily imagine how that would come as a blow to the recently
martyred. If this analysis is correct then suicide bombers, or rather
prospective martyrs, would do well to abandon their culture of death, and
instead concentrate on getting laid 72 times in this world, unless of course
they would really prefer chilled or white raisins in the next.)
CC: What is your favorite curse word?
DH: Whichoneofyoucuntswassupposedtobemarkinghimyouuselesswankers
CC: If heaven exists, what would you like "god" to say to you when you reach the pearly gates???
DH: It's up to you Holmesey, do I buy Brentford F.C. or not?
Or
That's a coincidence. Dion Dublin just passed through here and said that being marked by you was HIS claim to fame.