In Memory of Columbine High School

Erin's Story

"My Experience"

(Note from the Webmaster: Erin Ryan was a student at a school in a community near Columbine. Erin not only knew several of the victims of Columbine but, in a sense, is a victim herself.)

The screams of sirens and helicopters grew closer and closer. There was a sharp pain in the back of my throat and I felt the cold creep over my body. My classmates and I gathered around the TV, sitting on chairs and desks, some even sprawled out on the floor as we heard of pain and destruction. I can vividly remember my English teacher came into the room and said, "Are you actually letting them watch this?" At first I thought why not, nothing is really going to happen. Just then we heard a reporter say, "Two people are believed to be dead." That is when all who were unflinching stopped and hesitated to speak or even breathe.

On April 20,1999 the school day started out perfectly normal. I don't remember the morning nor do I remember the first part of the day. What I do remember is that right after lunch a friend walked up to me and very tersely said, "Columbine�s being shot up." We thought nothing of it really, "Just a prank," someone said. As the school day progressed, in what seemed to resemble a dream we heard and watched the tragedy unfold before our eyes.

While we sat in anticipation to hear the names of the victims, we were locked in our own school. A place of safety, a place to learn and grow. Instead that day we were prisoners forced to watch an execution. Outside parents were arriving to either comfort us or to lead us to knowledge that no one wanted. I went downstairs to meet my mom and aunt, who I had seen from a window. I saw a friend lying on the floor, by a telephone in a puddle of darkness. I went to comfort her as my family rushed in through the doors. The first words out of my mother's mouth were, "Anna's okay." A feeling of peace ran through my body as I started to cry and tremble.

As I pulled away, tears streaming down my face, all I heard were radios blasting with the latest news. Never could I have imagined what I would experience when I went past Columbine and it's surrounding area. Flares and barricades block the roads for miles. Cars cut us off left and right as we race towards the elementary school where the survival list had formed. As I jumped out of the car strangers jumped in. While I ran to the front of Leewood elementary to see familiar faces, media surrounded me. I pushed them aside while I saw most of my friends surrounding the lists. I went through not even stopping to see the names on the list. I walked straight to the gym where some friends were. I stood on the stage in fear of discovering that some weren�t there.

A voice came over the loud speaker, "If you have found your party we need the room can you please step outside." I just stood there I didn�t see Steph or Danny. My mom came in, "Erin let�s go check the church," she said. As I got back into the car some friends were there. Surprised and overwhelmed with happiness to see them I crashed into Anna�s arms. We continued to drive through the chaos as weeps poured from the back seat.

When we reached the church, some hundred people were there. The big screen was blasting Channel 7. They were displaying scenes of what was unfolding right down the street. At that moment four people I knew were dead and others I knew were either still trapped inside or were recovering in the hospital. I felt as if the tribulations of war had corrupted my mind and turned it blank.

Fifteen victims are found dead, including one teacher. Two of whom had taken thirteen lives and then their own. As memorials built up for miles, a hill was declared Columbine Hill. Thousands came to pay their respects and grieve. From this day forth nothing will be the same. This massacre that occurred right in our own town has changed everything that we all feel and think. This event has transformed the face of our community to the last person, whether or not they were directly related, it has changed their heart too.

I have learned to live in fear. Fear of going to school, out to eat, or just being outside. I am more aware that my life could end at any instant and that is what makes me fear. I start to feel that I have no control, and nothing can compensate for it. It could happen anywhere, but it happened here. And it has made me realize that.

It only took a month or two for the support, that was once so great, to fade. As we all know the show must go on, and the world can not stop in order for us to grieve. Things slowly go back to normal, people not forgotten but put aside. The days seem shorter and somewhat colder at times. Hearing of death after death becomes numbing to ones ears and attitudes start to change.

I changed, as did many others. Some for the best , yet others for the worst. After Columbine other deaths occurred. Some were shootings others were accidents or suicides. At times it seemed that the worse had gotten the best of us all. As I sit here thinking about the past, things that have happened in our community I come to realization that we are all fake. Some of us want attention by sorrow and guilt, others not wanting to show any emotion afraid that they will be criticized.

"I feel so sad,... I feel so bad...but nobody's perfect, what did you expect...I'm doing my best." -Madonna

Erin Ryan

Return to the Columbine Anniversary Site

Hosted by www.Geocities.ws

1