______________________________ Reply Separator _________________________________ Subject: royal assholes Author: Non-HP-mmckin (mmckin@email.msn.com) at HP-Corvallis,shargw1 Date: 1/25/99 8:22 AM Shiv-in regards to the a-hole team... Considering that there will be a "king" asshole and possibly some sort of flunky/jester/dunce/village idiot type, perhaps we should consider "The Royal Assholes" as a team name... Just have the donkey wearing a crown or whatever. It was good seeing you and my soon to be swollen crotched friend, Chris SHeridan. We'll talk soon, hopefully you'll be able to come up for some more pick-up. I understand via McK that you wound up naked in the house playing some disc at Jared's party. You've taken to the whole blind-drunk thing like a fish to water. Keep it up. Texas T -----Original Message----- From: JEFF_FLYNN@HP-Corvallis-om3.om.hp.com [SMTP:JEFF_FLYNN@HP-Corvallis-om3.om.hp.com] Sent: Monday, January 25, 1999 9:52 AM To: FLYNN_JEFF/HP-Corvallis_om3@hpcvsom3.cv.hp.com; mmckin@email.msn.com; SHERIDAN Christopher D Subject: Re: royal assholes tex, It's funny that McK would relay such information since she _wasn't_even_at_the_party. Actually, I had to leave earlier than I might have liked and therefore missed the events in question. I had to get Matt home. He was all depressed because he had already dated every woman at the party and therefore didn't want to stick around any later. What people must have witnessed was Cowboy's exclusive "Shiv Blow-up Doll". You see, when I run off to sleep in the bed of one of my many womenfolk, Krusty gets a little sad. I special ordered this little gift for him to get through those tough times. In this case, he got it out so that there would be someone he could match up against when playing hotbox. From what I hear, he still got schooled by my plastic-and-air namesake. -jtf ______________________________ Reply Separator _________________________________ Subject: RE: royal assholes Author: Non-HP-Christopher.D.SHERIDAN (Christopher.D.SHERIDAN@odot.state.or.us) at HP-Corvallis,mimegw03 Date: 1/27/99 9:46 AM On the contrary, I waggled all over your plastic love toy. What really pissed me off was that the thing was scorin on all the chicks. I last saw it walking upstairs with Kama, Daniel and Stacy. You shouldn't have modeled its anatomy on the jello surpise analog of yours truly, schooly. Krusted out... ______________________________ Reply Separator _________________________________ Subject: Inflatable Flynn Industries Author: JEFF-FLYNN-at-om (JEFF_FLYNN@HP-Corvallis-om3.om.hp.com) at HP-Corvallis,mimegw03 Date: 1/27/99 6:02 PM Ladies and gentlemen, Kelley "Texas Tornado" Hamby contacted me upon hearing talk of Chris "Cowboy/Krusty" Sheridan's escapades at J-Rad Cahner's going away party related to a certain inflatable version of some ultimate player. ("...I waggled all over your plastic love toy. What really pissed me off was that the thing was scorin on all the chicks. I last saw it walking upstairs with [several eligible and attractive women]...") Here is what Mister Hamby had to say: ================================================== Shiv, In one of your earlier e-mails you mentioned an inflatable likeness of yourself. I believe you said that The Krust had one as sort of a security blanket apparatus a la Linus VanPelt. Now McKinley and I have been thinking about a menage a tois (sp), and I'm thinking what better way to get started. We could use a doll of you, whom we both know and neither of us find sexually threatening, as a jumping off point for this whole three way extravaganza. What would one of these dolls cost? is it actual size? is everything actual size, if you hear what I'm saying? Does it come with any special outfits or shoes? What do they use for hair, because we want the real stuff and we want it all over the place. Anyway you get back to me with a price sheet. texas t ================================================== KellEY, Today is your lucky day because there are actually several versions available from the Inflatable Flynn Industries product line. Just take a look at our first edition catalog and pass the word along to friends who might be interested: (The Original) Inflatable Flynn - Cuddly and warm, this model captures all of the things that people who only know Jeff in passing or as a fond memory. Average height, stout frame with just a hint of pudge in the belly. (Hey, we've all got a bit, and he's not afraid to let you poke at his.) He's good for a smirk, a little wit (although he does not talk, he does come with an 8 page booklet of cleaver sayings) and a hug or unquestioning companionship when you're feeling a little low. Blow-Me-Up-Shiv - Just released last year, our newest in the series has that hard edge that appeals to today's youth (and the occasional aged pervert.) This doll has a complete array of clothing and accessories including: Everyday Outfit: jeans, colored thermal undershirt and black band t-shirt Two full ultimate outfits: Skin&Bones "Superman" ensemble complete with downhill skiing jacket [as seen at the '98 co-ed regionals in Vancouver, BC], Adidas German soccer league hat and nearly knee-high colored athletic socks Corvallis "scrappy league" attire highlighted by three choices of sleeveless shirt and shirtsleeve hat. and a random collection of party clothes including: "crazy" shirts (borrowed from friends) "wild" colored pants (dyed in his own bathtub) and other props ("Lucky Irish" paint sample card, "Take Me To the Next Level" neck signage, double fisted bottle of vodka/cup of water [try guessing which is which!] and many more!!!) To complete the theme, Blow-Me-Up-Shiv comes with a pull-string to make him utter such common phrases as: - "Your life is pathetic." - "...well, what is your point?" - "That's funny because I'm only 24 and make twice as much money at a job that I love." - "Please stop talking. I _want_ to like you." - "Your favorite band sucks." - and many more!!! Bedtime Jeffie - Not actually inflatable, this life-sized pillow will be at the top of every woman's shopping list this year. All of the comfort of cuddling with a man throughout the night without the concern that he will "have to" run off first thing in the morning (or "disappointment" in his performance during late night activities.) Uber-Real JTF - Ultra-realistic Shiv for those whose imaginations aren't what they ought to be. This model is for anyone who wants "the real thing". (Yes, everything.) We won't both with details because this is, as they say, "the shit". That concludes the current product line, although we are always developing new items. Pricing is variable, as this is an ultra-specialized industry. However, with the boom we are expecting this year, it is best to get your orders in early. Discounts are available to some parties. (You know who you are.) Call today! Sincerely, Jeff "Shiv" Flynn CEO and President, Inflatable Flynn Industries ****************** Latest News: ******************** We are currently looking to hire several product testers. The job entails evaluating products for function, durability and realism. No experience necessary. We will train. Plenty of "perks" for motivated, flexible and enthusiastic individuals available. ______________________________ Reply Separator _________________________________ Subject: RE: Inflatable Flynn Industries Author: Non-HP-Christopher.D.SHERIDAN (Christopher.D.SHERIDAN@odot.state.or.us) at HP-Corvallis,mimegw03 Date: 1/28/99 8:16 AM Alright, it's time I let the cat out of the bag. It is untrue that there is a real Shiv and a plastic likeness of Mr. Shiv. In point of fact there is ONLY the plastic Shiv. If any of you have felt that you could somehow enjoy all of Shiv's good points (ummm...oh yeah, his CD collection) without dealing with his many less-than-special features (i.e. actually having to talk to him (say about his last tournament experience again and again and again, or how great Portishead really is, bla bla...) you are mistaken. You should have realized that that tell-tale squeek when he walks is not actually a robot in his butt (nor a futon), but the sound of plastic on plastic. My apologies for any inconveniences this may have caused, and please please do not smoke around Mr. Shiv anymore. ______________________________ Reply Separator _________________________________ -----Original Message----- From: Miss McKinley [SMTP:mmckin@email.msn.com] Sent: Friday, January 29, 1999 1:04 PM To: SHERIDAN Christopher D; JEFF_FLYNN@HP-Corvallis-om3.om.hp.com; mmckin@msn.com; indiachr@hotmail.com; chuckh@amaa.com; stblmstr@internetcds.com; Hubb3775@aol.com; meredith_1@hotmail.com; sechlert@ucs.orst.edu; kamasue@hotmail.com Subject: Re: Inflatable Flynn Industries Fuckin' Flynn tsk, tsk, tsk.... I knew that mofo was a robot. It' all starting to make sense. The guy's got legs like a four foot tall baby doll... you know, no bendable knee, all plasticy looking, with a ton of that fake hair that's made out of fishing line. The guy's good for about two minutes of conversation and then no one can understand a word he's saying..."So Jeff, do you like girls or what?" "Sure, I think I might" "Anyone here in particular?" " I like Tom Sanchez, she's cute" "Tom Sanchez is a man not a girl. I'm asking if you like any girls here?" "Kama is nice but I think Tom Sanchez is a better dancer" "Jeff are you feeling o.k.?" Jeff, now with facial ticks and shouting, "INTELL INSIDE !!!! 486 MEGAHERTZ, TRANSDUCING NOW AT 6 OHMS,SUPER-DONUT DANCER, DANCER, DANCER, FILE CORRUPT,HAS ANYONE SEEN MY PANTIES? MY LOVELY,LOVELY, PANTIES? I AM A GIRL" Seriously, hang with Jeff at any party for ten minutes and some of that crazy shit will start happening and it will clear the room. And unless you are hooked-up full-time, like yours truly, if you are standing around "Jeff" you will automatically not get laid by anyone that has ever so much as touched a frisbee. Use that information in whatever way you like. You never see Chris's Jeff ever run off to the bath room or perform any other imparitive human biological function, other than drinking. I've never seen the guy eat a bite of food, or blow his nose, or adjust his unit. I think Chris"Krusty" Sheridan was just having a little fun and the whole thing got out of hand. Hey, I think it was some what of a sucess on an obviously limited budget, We've all ran out of steam on big projects and wound up trying to beat a woodscrew through four pieces of sheet metal, using a brick for a hammer because we were to tired or lazy to go get the right tools. I think you did a wonderful job on the "Little Plastic Shiv in a Box", better luck next time. One question though; Why did you shape him like a four and a half foot tall bowling pin? T.T. ______________________________ Reply Separator _________________________ Subject: Inflatable Flynn Industries Author: Christopher.D.SHERIDAN@odot.state.or.us Date: 1/27/99 6:02 PM Although my first model was deemed only marginally successfull, I suppose that now is the time to finally unveil - The Spirit This (TM) line- * Disc-Wagglin, Insult Drawlin' Texas Kelly Hamby Doll-press the button on his back and watch as he hocks up chaw and witticisms. Comes with several drab outfits for night time or 'ulty' time. Carefull-this doll is NOT fully interchangeable with other dolls. Also not suggested for children under 35. (Uses extreme language and crotch grabs). * Techno-diggin, cradle-robbin Kama Doll-Push the button on her back (or anywhere else) and watch as the sparks fly with young people (young boys mostly). Real "no, I'm STUDYING" action. Comes with far more outfits than above dolls, and multiple hours of internet time. Note-this doll may not be compatible with the rest of the Spirit This Line, as the Kama group has been bought out by industry giants SchwaTell. * Beer-schwillin, suave satanic Sanchez Doll-massage his belly and this doll shotguns a PBR. Not to be confused with other beer swillin dolls of lesser quality (Head-bustin, party-winnin Oetter doll or the Barely-Sober-Dots-Lovin Jared doll). This doll should not be left alone with female dolls of the Spirit This line. * The hard-livin, rarely-workin' Stacy Doll-A potential new addition to the Spirit THis Line, this doll comes with velcro clothes closures, over fifteen outdoors outfits and enough PBR to keep the Beer-schwillin, suave satanic Sanchez Doll out of trouble for over an hour. (Note: attempts to actually use this doll's PBR with the Sanchez Doll may lead to compatibility problems. Spirit THis inc. is not responsible for Sanchez Dolls broken in this manner). * The loose and lusty JP Doll-please PLEASE don't push the button on his back. We just cleaned up from the last time. * Rude, Crude Krusty Doll- The sexiest doll in the Spirit This line, and a perennial crowd pleaser. Push the button on his back and cover your ears, throat and privates. The Real karate-chop action can be modified for use in the push-pass cloud or other swill. Real cloggin action will make you wonder what the word stack really means. Comes with a multitude of scummy, never-washed outfits and taped together gear, just enough PBR to become beligerent, and a large book of disparaging remarks to use on other Spirit This models or your parents. Not recommended for children or adults who have not finished puberty. * And of course you all know the Cute-n-Sassy, music-snobbin', Self-swill-lovin Shivy Doll. ______________________________ Reply Separator _________________________________ Subject: Re: Inflatable Flynn Industries Author: JEFF FLYNN at HP-Corvallis,om3 Date: 2/1/99 3:34 PM Tex - I'm 5'8" if I'm an inch! Sure, you got the proportions right with the babydoll bit, but at least give me credit for eating my veggies and growing enough to differentiate myself from an Oompa-Loompa. Although I'm here to get the facts straight, I'm trying to avoid giving you more fodder for your endless diatribe. I understand how you've kicked into overdrive since being introduced to the internet. The only easy way you knew in the past to communicate with a large number of peers was to carve messages into the bathroom walls of Tulsa, OK strip bars. Now you've commondered McKinley's email account and are just pumping the net full of your smut until the feds pop by your place and drag her away to the state pen. I'm a big fan of the girl -- what with her music thing and that engineering hobby we share. I would hate to see her spend time behind bars because I instigated a retort from a man who loved llamas a little too much. Sure, that's a cool sound they make when getting packed by a fresh batch of God's Country Texas Sausage, but I have the self discipline and know enough about the bible to realize that there are no exceptions granted that condone such activities. Stuff like that is bound to warp your perceptions of right and "not quite as right". I just hope we can get you in for a servicing and replace some of those oil-tainted components they swapped into you back in your Gulf coast homeland. We would all love to welcome you back to "our" reality. Krusty - I understand how you like to push people's buttons, but this is, as Tigger would say, "redicerous". Artificial folks are not to be made in order to live out your fantasy of being able to manipulate everyone. We're not numbers, we're free beings. Besides, what the heck were you thinking when you made virtually every one of these monstrosities incompatible or difunctional? I'm just glad that you stocked our one nearly normal product (I-Swear-I'm-An-Asshole Stacy) with enough PBR to fend off our other figures. [Out in Newport yesterday, I saw a delivery truck with a nice big logo that read "PBR me ASAP!"] We better work some serious real-life kung-fu action into the soon-to-be-released Tara "I'll Rock Your World In A Way You'll Never Understand and Leave You Begging For More" Sechler capstone doll. Your favorite action figure sucks, shiv ______________________________ Forward Header __________________________________ Subject: RE: Inflatable Flynn Industries Author: Non-HP-kamasue (kamasue@hotmail.com) at HP-Corvallis,mimegw03 Date: 2/1/99 4:27 PM Dear Inflatable Flynn Industries: I would like to purchase one of your dolls, basically as a conversation piece for my living room, not for any sort of personal sexual satisfaction (thus I have ruled out the Krusty doll) and/or public humiliation (thus I have ruled out the Texas Kelley Hamby doll). But I have some additional questions about the newer models you recently unveiled. Re: the Rude, Crude Krusty doll -- does that one come in a "Humboldt Harvest" edition? Complete with at least one set of mud-permeated ultimate wear, dayglo party dress, and swilly teammates? You press the button on its back and it shows you the Catch of the Day? Re: the Kama doll -- does that one come with ego or without? If with, is the ego inflatable also, or does that depend on whether the SchwaTell merger goes through? If I buy the entire "Spirit This" line, what might potentially happen to my living room? Are you prepared to give me a warranty on this line, or would I have to sign a waiver indemnifying Inflatable Flynn Industries for any bodily fluids, singed hair, molten plastic, and/or PBR that end up on any surface of my house? Keeping in mind the JP doll fiasco, of course... Thank you for your time. ______________________________ Reply Separator ________________________________ Subject: RE: Inflatable Flynn Industries Author: Non-HP-Christopher.D.SHERIDAN (Christopher.D.SHERIDAN@odot.state.or.us) at HP-Corvallis,mimegw03 Date: 2/2/99 8:37 AM Cradle-robbin,techno-lovin Kama does NOT come with an inflatable ego. We at Flynn Industries Found that even with significantly large molded feet filled with sand, this doll was "Maxxed out" in that regard already. Any attempts to further inflate this doll's head will only lead to what we call the 'reverse weeble' syndrome, causing her feet to wiggle pointlessly in the air as she rotates around her engorged cranium. Concerning purchase of the entire Spirit This line, we strongly suggest if you are to do this, that you also purchase the Spirit THis Playhouse (TM). THis expandable house has * softened, plastic covered surface (perfect for JP Doll or Oetter Doll (made by a competitor) to do what they do best (worst?). * Many corners for Disc-Wagglin, Insult Drawlin' Texas Kelly Hamby Doll to corner other dolls in and frighten with his 'uniqueness'. * A frig with real live PBR (and Kama Doll's Thai food from last month) * Secluded spots for Doll-Doll interaction (handi-wipes included) * A painted-in hot box section for when all these dolls start droppin trousers * A score -counter to keep track of party winners at Spirit THis Playhouse * An internet chat room where all the dolls, especially Disc-Wagglin, Insult Drawlin' Texas Kelly Hamby Doll and the Original Inflatable Flynn Doll, fight over who will next waste net space.