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Let's share good stuff! Let me know if you have good things to share!
My sincere APOLOGY if its too much for you to handle!
A young man was crossing a road one day when a from called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over,
picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week. "The man
took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into
his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you
I'm a beautiful princess. What more do you want? Why won't you kiss me?"
The man said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a firlfriend,
but a talking frog is cool."
Teacher's Pet
One the last day of kindergarden, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said,
"I bet I know what it is - some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy. Then the candy owner's daughter
handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said,
"I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!" "That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor storeowner's son. The teacher held it up
and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
"It is wine?" she asked. "No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
"Is it champange?" she asked. "No," the boy answered. "What is it?" she said.
"A puppy!"
Once upon a time, there was a man home very late and very drunk every night.
His wife decided to teach him a lesson, so she dressed up like Satan and hid in
the dark to scare him when he got home. When he finally came stumbling across
the lawn, his wife jumped out in front of him and howled like a demon.
He just looked at her and slurred, "You don't scare me; I'm married to your sister!"
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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh!, Killed any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, and 2 females", he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He said, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.
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At one point during the little league game, the umpire said to
his young son who was playing the game,
"Do you understnad what coorperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"Do you understand what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So, "the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you are out at first,
you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the boy nodded yes.
"Good, "said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."
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A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished,
but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says,
"Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right.
This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."
The man replies, "Ho yes, I agree with you completely." The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says,
"And here's another miracle. Shomehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat did't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this Scootch and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods this head in agreement, opens it, and
chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
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Eleven people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging
rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount
Everest.
Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.
As a group they decided that one of the party should let go.
If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone
would perish.
For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.
Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she
would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.
The software engineering field is staffed primarily by men; the
ratio of male to female software engineers is on the order of
15 to 1. This makes it pretty easy for women to find potential
mates among their peers.
However, software types have a well-earned reputation for
being, well, a little strange. While discussing the prospect of
working in the software industry, one woman commented to
another:
My grandmother, who lived in Tucson, was well-known for her
faith and lack of reticence in talking about it. She would go
out on the front porch and say, "Praise the Lord!"
Her next door neighbor would shout back, "There ain't no Lord!"
During those days, my grandmother was very poor, so the
neighbor decided to prove his point by buying a large bag of
groceries and placing it at her door.
The next morning, Grandmother went to the porch and,
seeing the groceries, said, "Praise the Lord!"
The neighbor stepped out from behind a tree and said, "I
brought those groceries, and there ain't no Lord."
Grandmother replied, "Lord, you not only sent me food but
you made the devil pay for it."
In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten
together to discuss some important issues. About midway
through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up
and spoke her piece.
One of the old farmers stood up and said, "What does she
know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows
how many toes a pig has?"
Quick as a flash, the woman replied, "Take off your boots sir,
and count them yourself!"
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One Singh was enjoying the sun at the beach in America.
A lady came and asked him, " Are you relaxing?"
Singh answered, " No, I am Banta Singh."
Another guy came and asked the him the same question.
Singh answered, "No, No, Me Banta Singh!"
Third one came and asked him the same question again.
Singh was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.
While walking he saw another Singh soaking in the sun.
He went up to him and asked, "Are you Relaxing?"
The other Singh was a lot more educated and answered,
"Yes, I am relaxing." The Sing slapped him on his face and said, "Stupid,
idiot. Everyone is looking for you and your are sitting over here!"
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Jasmeet Kaur caught her husband Santa Singh
Searching high and low all around his living room.
Jasmeet: "What are you searching for?" Santa: "Hidden cameras!"
Jasmeet: "And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras
here?" Santa: "That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing. Why
every few minutes he keeps saying 'You are watching the Star World
channel'. How does he know that?"
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Three men were stranded on an uninhabited island.
One was Hindu, one a Muslim, and the other a Singh.
The only way back home was to swim 100 miles to the next island,
which was inhabited. The Muslim was so determined to get home that
he tried to swim. He made it 50 miles, got tired, and drowned. Then
the Hindu tried. He made it 75 miles, but got tired and drowned,
too. The Singh thought he could make it all the way, so he started
swimming. He swam 50 miles, but started getting tired, so he swam
all the way back to the island.
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Having lost his donkey a Singh, got down to
his knees and started thanking God. A passerby saw him and asked,
"Your donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for ?" The Singh
replied "I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the
donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too."
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Two Singh went into a pub and after ordering two beers took some
sandwiches out of their pockets and started to eat them. "You can't
eat your own sandwiches in here," complained the pub-owner. So the
two sardars swapped their sandwiches.
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It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman,
entered the fourth grade in the US. The teacher said, 'Let's begin by reviewing some American history.
Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hands up.
' Patrick Henry, 1775.' he said. Very good!
Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?
Again, no response except from Suzuki: 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863.', said Suzuki. T
he teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country,
knows more about its history than you do.' She heard a loud whisper:
'Screw the Japs.' 'Who said that?' she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up.
'Lee Iacocca, 1982.' At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares and asks, 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again, Suzuki says,
'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.' Now furious, another student yells, '
Oh yeah? Suck this!' Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,
'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!' Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said,
'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice,
'Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001.' The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the
teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble! ...and Suzuki said, 'The Taliban! 2001.'
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Sun Bathing
Sarah, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her
vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first
day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and
she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard
someone running up the stairs.
She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me,
miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running
up the stairs.
"The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much
appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make?" Sarah asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up
here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight.
3 guys were introduced to a girl:
3 guys were introduced to a girl:
Hi, I'm Peter not a saint.
I'm Paul not a Pope.
I'm John not a Baptist..
The girl replied: Hi! I'm Mary not a Virgin.
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What was the cause of the break up between Prince Charles and Lady D?
Lady D discovers that not all rulers have 12 inches.
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Virgin male on his honeymoon phoned his mom asking what to do.
MOM: Put your biggest thing on her hairiest thing.
SON: OK. I got my nose in her armpit. Now what?
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OLD MAN: Can you give me an erection?
FAITH HEALER: I can make the blind see, make the lame walk and I can even
cure cancer, but I'm sorry I cannot raise the dead.
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2 employees were caught naked and having sex in the office by the guard.
GUARD: Aha! Violating company rules!
MAN: What rule?
GUARD: Not wearing uniforms.
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Q: What is the difference between Biology and Sociology?
A: If the baby looks like the father, that is biology. If he looks like
the
neighbour, that's sociology.
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Define Impotence?...Nature's way of saying "NO HARD FEELINGS"
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A husband was asked: Do you talk to you wife after sex?
His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone.
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At the movie house.
GIRL: Honey, the man beside me is masturbating.
BF: just ignore him dear.
GIRL: I can't. He's using my hand!!!
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Why was the 2 piece bikini invented?
To separate the meat section from the dairy section.
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Boy 1: why did you run away from the naked lady?
Boy 2: because my mom said that if I look at a naked lady I will turn to
stone, and a part of me was already getting hard!!
A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the afternoon
with her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he
does not have any cash with him, but that he will have his secretary
write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that
the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send
a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:
Dear Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment.
I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the
apartment, I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there
wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for
$ 250 with the following note:
Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful
apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is
plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the
apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough
furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.
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DA NEW (In Mandarin means Big Bull) is a very talented
man, he has the ability and the intelligence to
accomplish almost anything. But DA NEW has one fault
in his character, he is very lazy.
When it is time for DA NEW to get married, he does not
bother to look for wife. Finally his parents decided
to act for him, they put an ad in the papers looking
for a partner for DA NEW. In the ad, they put in all
his talents and good points. That obviously run into many lines.
Strangely no one responded to the ad. The following
day his parents place the ad again, still no one
responds to the ad. This went on for a few weeks and
his parents lost hope. Therefore they decided to go to
China to look for DA NEW's wife.
In China, they place the same ad (in mandarin this time),
but still no one responds. This again went on
for a few weeks. Then his parent sat down and thought
very hard, they concluded that no one believe in the ad.
This is because they have put into the ad all DA NEW's
talent and good points, which it is all true. So they
decided to put in his only fault, his laziness. In the
next ad, they added ? DA NEW (big bull) PI JIAO (is a bit) LAN (lazy)?.
This time girls from all over China came in bus and
truck loads. There were so many girls until DA NEW's
parents couldn't decide who is the best girl for him.
Out of shock they asked one of the girls why is the
respond so good after they have added DA NEW's
laziness. The girl didn't understand that they were
asking. She said that in China, people read from right
to left and not left to right, and the ad reads, LAN
JIAO (penis) PI NEW DA (bigger than bull).
Finally DA NEW found his wife and they lived happily
from then on.
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A man was complaining: Oh Lord, please have mercy on me,
I work so hard, meantime my wife stays at home,
I would give anything if you would grant me one wish "switch me into my wife"
she's got it easy at home I want to teach her a lesson of how tough a man's life is.
As God was listening he felt sorry for this soul and granted his wish.
Next morning the "new woman" wakes up at dawn, makes lunch boxes,
prepares breakfast, wakes up the kids for school, puts a load of clothes in the washer,
takes the meat out of the freezer, drives the kids to school,
on his way back stop at the gas station, cashes a check, pays the electricity and phone bills,
picks up some clothes from the cleaners, quickly goes to the market.
It was 1: 00 o'clock already, he made the beds,
took the clothes out of the washer and put another load in, he vacuumed the house,
made some rice, went to pick up the kids from school had an argument with the kids.
As soon as he got home he fed the kids, washed the dirty dishes,
he hung the damp clothes he had washed on the chairs because it was raining outside.
He helped the kids with their homework, watched someTV while he ironed some clothes,
prepared dinner, he gave the kids a bath and put them to sleep.
At 9:00 o'clock he was so tired and he went to bed. Of course there was some more duties and
some how he managed to get them done and finally fell a sleep.
The next morning he prays to God once again: Oh Lord, what was I thinking when I
asked you to grant my wish, I can't take it anymore. I beg you please switch me back
to myself, please oh please. Then he heard God's voice speaking to him,
saying: Dear son, of course I'll switch you back into yourself but there's one minor detail:
you will have to wait 9 months because last night you got pregnant.
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A man decided to buy a new telescope for his rifle.
He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man,
"This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill".
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house", the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house.
Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets,
I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets,
shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off".
The man takes another look through the scope, and says,
"You know what? I think I can do that with one shot
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Sharon lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't
gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly
calling her and urging her to get back into the real world.
Finally, Sharon says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies, "Mom ! I have someone for you to meet.
"Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,
he asks her to join him for a weekend away.
Their first night there, she undresses as he does.
There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties,
he in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?"
She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,
but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario.
She's standing there with the black panties on,
and he is in his birthday suit........except that he is wearing a black condom.
She looks at him and asks, "What's with this...a black condom?"
He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
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On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field
with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give
milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And
God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door
of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give
you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be
barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed.
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do
monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."
Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so.
Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex,
enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years." Man
said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my
twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten
monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex,
enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to
support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain
our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.
Click Here to See my HOMEPAGE.
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