The other day i walked into a Meijer in the great city of Belleville, Michigan - a redneck toxic waste dump - and to my surprise, i saw the funniest looking lady ever. I don't mean that this woman was kinda goofy, or whatever. This was funniest looking lady ever. I didn't know what to do. Should i stop & reflect upon this monumentous moment? Surely others around me had to know what was going on, right?
In the end, i just stood there and clapped. Humble as always, she tried to pretend the applause wasn't for her, but deep down, i know she knew. And so did that old guy.
This one's for the guys:
Question. Have your balls ever shrunk up so quickly & violently that it actually hurt? The other day i woke up & immediately hopped in the shower. The water, however, was not quite as warm as i thought it would be. Or as warm as my nuts thought it would be. They retracted with such force as to actually cause me to double-over in pain.
Have you ever been driving down the highway, and you notice a single shoe sitting on the side of the road? What the hell is going on here?
You know how sometimes businesses or organizations putting on special events will paint footprints on the ground to show you where to go? I like to follow them, step for step. Question is, have you ever followed one that doesn't force you to either walk like a retard, or like you have a stick up your ass?
Does anybody remember the trailer from the original Major League movie? There was a scene where Tom Berenger tells Charlie Sheen, "That ball wouldn't have made it out of every park." To which Sheen replies, "Which one?" And Berenger says, "Yosemite." But this scene was never in the movie. I felt raped.
Totals For The Year:
276,364: Times i used the phrases, "What's up?", "Whattup?" & "Word."
2: Ankle injuries.
6: Spikes.
7: Blisters.
988: Sheesha's smoked.
3: Sheesha pipes spilled.
3: Pipes bought.
0: Joints rolled.
3: Moves.
1098: Cans/bottles/glasses of cola drank.
320: New pieces of music.
78: New 45s.
118: New LPs.
9: New 8-tracks.
32: New cassettes.
83: New CDs.
1: New dog.
401: Dumps in the yard by said dog.
13: Dumps in the house by said dog.
109: Leaks in the yard by me, while taking said dog out.
4: Naked times, official.
7: Naked times, unofficial.
5: Fatty-Steak nights.
1: Semester-o-Fun undertaken.
0: Semester-o-Funs completed.
581: Drinks drank.
96: Times drunk.
6: Drinks spilled.
500: Showers taken.
7: Baths taken.
9: Baths drawn.
1: Engagement.
71: Surprised people.
69: Funny numbers.
44: Mad Libs completed.
17: Mad Libs declared as "The Funniest One Ever!"
1: Cushion eaten.
1: Jethro Tull concert.
Too Many: Hours logged in front of this computer or playing video games.
31: Promises made.
4: Promises kept.
27: Angry people.
127: Naps.
2: Jobs.
1: Friend lost.
Too Much: Procrastination.
17: Parties gone to.
2: Parties enjoyed.
11: Trips to The Edge.
11: Trips to The Edge while drunk.
1450: Hours logged listening to music.
3: Total mental, physical or spiritual breakdowns.
38: Partial physical breakdowns.
0: Dunks.
203: Times i had to deal with it.
1049: Times others had to deal with it.
1: Horrific day, for all of us.
8686: Consecutive days stayed alive, by me.
17: New bands discovered.
2: Cats forced to put up with.
4: Trips to Canada.
1: Afro wig stolen.
3: Wishes.
1: Love.
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