STORY 1:
At work there is only one (men's) bathroom, & only one toilet in that bathroom (along with 2 urinals). So i go into the bathroom to take a shit & when i sit down i realize that it's going to be a heavy duty release. So i get comfortable. Then, about a minute into my shit, i hear the door to the bathroom open. I give a couple of "camo-coughs" just to be safe, but asshole goes for the stall door anyhow. Luckily there's a lock & asshole can't get in. So i recommence my dump & then about another minute & a half later i hear the bathroom door open again, & this time asshole immediately turns around & leaves. Then, about 2 minutes after that, he comes in again & lets out a, "For chrissakes... c'mon!"
Had i not been sitting on the toilet with my pants around my ankles i probably would have shit my pants, cos i thought this was pretty funny, even if it was mildly annoying. Luckily for this guy i was just about done. So i finish up & wipe, etc., ect... & before leaving the stall i make sure to take off my name badge... & i smear shitty toilet paper on the seat. I go over to the sink & start washing my hands &, sure enough, just as i'm drying them off, asshole comes in yet again & finally gets to the seat. Against all better judgment, cos he probably knew i worked there anyway, i just had to say something. So as i was leaving i give him a, "Enjoy the shit smell you impatient bastard."
I laughed about it all day.
STORY 2:
I walk into the break room during my afternoon break & the room is empty. I notice on one of the tables someone has left a slip of paper for someone else, what appears to be a recipe for some sort of chili or something. The list is like...
1 can - tomatoes
2 cans - beans
...etc, etc. My first thought was that i've always thought it odd that people say stuff like, "You'll need 1 can tomatoes." Why don't they just say, "You'll need a can of tomatoes."? Is it such a burden to add the "of"? Then, brushing that whole thought totally aside, i grab a pen &, trying to copy the handwriting the best i could, write at the bottom of the list...
1 can - Whoop Ass
...& i nearly did a spit-take with the Coke i was drinking cos i thought it was REAL funny. But the more i thought about it, the reason i thought it was so funny wasn't the obvious fact that whoever this recipe was for was going to read it & get to the last line & think that whoever gave them the recipe actually wrote: 1 can - Whoop Ass. That is definitely funny, of course, but i like the idea that - being that this was a recipe for chili, which you usually equate to being really hot & "kicking you in the mouth", in a manner of speaking - the person reading the recipe might actually think that you DO have to add a can of Whoop Ass, just for extra kick. Does this make sense? I mean, i'm not sure if it's just me, but i think this concept is a fucking hoot.
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