It took a movie this bad for me to break out my first... and possibly last movie critique.

-cpb 12/19/01

I recently had the misfortune of viewing, in its excruciating entirety, the movie Pearl Harbor. I�m not going to begin to delve into the fact that this quote-unquote �movie� totally commercializes a horrific American tragedy and turns it into a putrefyingly gay love story, just the fact that this film sucks a shit-smeared ass. I�ve heard a few people say, "Yeah, it sucks, but the action scenes make it worth seeing.� Bullshit. Yes, the action sequences are good, but they in no way make the rest of this god-awful movie even remotely bearable. The �love story� in this movie is so clich�/gay/predictable/idiotic/blah, blah, blah... that � given the choice between paying 25� to see all three hours of this rubbish, or paying 25� to see five minutes of cheap porno while standing in a come-soaked booth at Dick�s Gay Porn Video Shaft, I�d cry... then put in two quarters and watch 10 more minutes of Rickey Gets Rear-Ended.
If you want to watch a three hour movie containing great action scenes from WWII, then go rent Saving Private Ryan, and save your nutsack from shriveling up and possibly falling off.