| The Owner tries to turn the tables & help out Shan-O with a little problem he was having... but did he succeed? A conference of e-mails between The Owner & Shane. |
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From Shane: Bogner, I've got a problem and a question. First the question: Do turtles dive? There is a small pond near the teacher�s room where I work and while walking to my car Monday I could swear I saw a turtle dive from one of the rocks. Not like it fell or anything, but like it actually went to the trouble to jump out from the rock and dive headfirst into the little pond. Like for amusement. If I wouldn�t have forced this image out of my head as quickly as it entered it might have still been plaguing me at night. But then, leaving school yesterday, I spotted the turtle perched again at the top of the rock, all ready to dive and with his head bobbing slightly like the little fucker was taunting me. So I stopped of course, because the whole situation was really bothering me. I mean - do turtles, or do they not, dive? So I was caught in this stalemate for some time, the little shit bobbing his head and me drop jawed in expectation. He didn�t budge of course. Or maybe he did, but I wasn't there to see it. Fucking turtle and his patience of steel. I quickly walked off cursing the turtle, cursing the fact that I had been more or less �bitch-slapped�, and, well, cursing life in general. Fucking cocky little turtle with his shit-eating grin. You know the one. Just like Doug-E used to pull when he beat me in Super Tennis. But what can you do? I�ve made it a point to avoid the pond altogether, in the hopes that I might heal in some way. The Owner's reply: S.P. McGee, There are a few things i need to address. First of all, the main question - do turtles dive - can be answered in 4 words - not a fucking clue. I even "asked Jeeves" on the internet & he basically blew me. So, in that respect, i can't help you. But something else you mentioned i can back up. This sentence: Fucking turtle and his patience of steel. Besides being funny as hell, this statement is also true... as hell. When i was a kid i had quite a few turtles. My dad used to find them around the place he worked at & brought them home. I had as many as 4 at a time. We kept them in a baby pool with an "island" of sand right in the middle. This information is vaguely irrelevant, but fuck you anyway, i'm reliving my childhood here. Anyway, one day i come home from school & i'll be damned if one (or more, there were 4 of them at the time) of them didn't get out. This was no big deal, except they had gone up into my room & were playing Contra on my Nintendo. This, again, was no big deal, except that one of them threw one of the controllers and ripped one of my Don Mattingly posters. This was totally fucking unacceptable! So i marched back downstairs into the back porch & confronted the little bastards. I just said, "Alright, fess up. Which one of you threw the controller? Listen, i realize how frustrating Contra can be. It's hard. I'm sure it's even harder with your little, scaly hands & long nails. But that doesn't mean you can go throwing controllers around. Now, i wanna know who ripped the poster, cos you're gonna have to pay for a new one. I'm not made of money, here." Of course, none of the little bastards said a thing. So i said, "Fine then, i'm sitting you all in corner until someone fesses up." I sat those fuckers in the corner for 7 straight hours & not one of them budged. Fucking asshole turtles & their patience of steel. What a waste of a fucking evening! And also, as far as healing in some way - don't count on it. I read a study somewhere by some guy that said some thing. Something about turtles being the hardest creature on earth to get out of your psyche. That's all for now. Shan-O gets back, but isn't really sure: Bogner, Seriously, what the fuck is up with turtles and their manipulative schemes to fuck with my head. Unfortunately I was just out at the school pond again where I nearly had a breakdown. You see the turtle was there again but it was staying perfectly still. And for a few moments I thought the whole head-bobbing bit had been imagined and that what I had been dealing with was a yard decoration of sorts - a ceramic or plastic turtle and that the splash that had occurred in my peripheral vision was merely a playful fish which complicates everything because then my whole turtle story is bunk and �Jeeves� is justified in not answering our question and I would have been �bitch slapped� not by a turtle, but much worse, by a lawn ornament. But then, having intentionally let me proceed into this train of thought, the son of a bitch looked at me, smiled, then splashed down into the water. Sort of like a dive but not enough to verify if what I actually saw the other day was a turtle diving or not. So I cursed him once again, raised my fist in the air and yelled, �Damn you turtle!� I wanted to yell something like �I�ll get you,� also, but it didn�t seem appropriate at the time. I then left with my head low, kicking the ground and wondering why turtles exist at all. To which The Owner replied this lame-assed reply: What the hell are we going to do about these goddamn turtles? Seriously. I thought i had left the whole "Turtle Dilemma" in my past, my childhood. But now you've brought the subject up again. If anyone else, with maybe the exception of 4, i would have just ignored the whole inquiry. But you are a close friend. I must commit. To what, i don't know. We WILL be returned to the Land of Hope & Glory. I'll tell ya that shizate RIGHT now. Get back to me if you come up with a "plan of attack". And Shan-O assures... or at least we can hope... for now, that the Turtle Dilemma 2003 is in check: Well Bogs, the turtles have been leaving me alone, and I them... I think the best thing we can do here is just stay the hell away from them. I mean, they may or may not be able to dive, but they sure as hell can't jump the fence around the pond and come threaten me in the office. Anyway, out of sight out of mind. Or at least I wish the weight of "Turtle Dilemma 2003" wasn't eating at me. |