THE ARGUMENT
Having no where to else to turn
Sancho Panza seeks money to burn
Promises by his World famous knight
Came to nothing as they might
Embodied in a poor man's cloak
He found himself in New England, broke.
But aided by the Jeffersonian-Hamiltonian
Team of Politicians he was made a new man
Money flowed from all quarters
Cornering the market's a good place for starters.
Now rich and (in)famous to degree
As Dexter; he sets out to leave a legacy.
Timothy Dexter; born industrious and humble, but wise,
Was none other than Sancho Panza in disguise.
With business success he added the title
Of "First in the East" to his Lord Dexter mantle.
Timothy Dexter made his fortune by,
The old fashion way -- by buying low and selling high.
Following Alexander Hamilton's lead
He cornered the market for legal specie.
He exported bed warmers to tropical paradises.
Why bed warmers to a place like the Indies?
Luck would have it, or as we shall see, �twas heaven sent
As the molasses trade was in need of equipment.
Thus a bed pan and its lid
Was modified by the local talen - ted.
Skimmers and ladles they did become
For refining of molasses (And, oh yes, rum.)
He shipped woolen mittens to the tropics as well,
And as usual made a fortune as he knew how to sell.
Dexter's mittens found their way to Russian maids
As shipping was and is, made up of international trades.
Dexter had his estate, loyal dog, horses and fine carriage,
All he lacked was success in marriage
Which gave him a son not too bright
And a wanton daughter, a suitor's delight.
As a patron of the art,
He put the horse before the cart
On his estate, he wanted marble statuary
To establish his place in history.
Alas, he discovered the great cost
And his sculptor convinced him that nothing's lost
In doing the carvings in wood instead
And painting would add color to a lifeless head.
His sculpture garden became the "wonder" to see
Tourist flocked to Newburyport Massachusetts by the sea.
They were always welcome, the pretty ones especially
Who had to keep an eye on the Lord who had want to dally.
It is fair to say that the Massachusetts blue-noses
Tried to ignore Mr. Dexter and his wooden poses.
But as he wisely invested vast monies in properties
In the area, there was no avoiding him with propriety.
Far in advance of the Rockefeller, Dodge, and railroad barons,
Timothy Dexter supported the arts in his environs.
He had a resident poet who composed verse about,
Who else? Why Lord Dexter, of course, need we tout.
To preserve for posterity
That which he knew with clarity
He wrote A Pickle for the Knowing Ones,
A book in which he pulled no bones.
When we are following Lord Dexter's well placed lead.
The "First in the East" would have us freed,
From rules of writing as they are taught
For Lord Dexter, they came to naught.
Its good to note that each time
We seek words to rhyme
Or misplace a punctuation mark,
Or seek synonymes in the dark,
Misspell a word,
Unable to follow rules absurd,
Use improper capitalization,
And create run-on sentences in desperation,
Writing that which seems perfectly clear to us
But is an enigma to others, we'll make no fuss.
Not to worry if you please,
We'll learn from Dexter's idiosyncracies.
What genius Timothy Dexter (Sancho Panza) did possess
To anticipate our educational system at its best,
wher ifn it fels gud do it
Is the motto of those who are with it.
Sidi Mahtrow
06.12.2002
Here ends Sancho Panza's (or Timothy Dexter's if you prefer) tale of fortune making. Timothy Dexter, aka, Sancho Panza, First in the East, author, patron of the arts society scion, astute investor and exporter. Most men would be pleased to be remembered for having a single stroke of genius which enriches himself and the world, but Timothy Dexter was not like most men.
As an author he should best be remembered by his book, A Pickle for the Knowing Ones that lead the way for James Joyce, e. e. cummings and others. This small rare volume avoided the problems of punctuation, capitalization, rules of grammar and the like. Lord Dexter (and surely he deserved the title, although self anointed) wrote free-style, one long sentence from beginning to the end of the book. And in recognition that perhaps the learned reader would miss the punctuation so prevalent in other writings, the Lord added an additional page to the book when it was reprinted. The following is a quote from all printings after 1838: "fourder mister printer the Nowing ones complane of my book the fust edition had no stops I put in A nuf here and thay may peper and solt it as they please
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(From A Pickle for the Knowing Ones. Published in 1848. This section, not to be found in the original 1802 issuance by the author was added sometime later.)
"How did Dexter make his money ye says bying whale bone for staing for ships in grossing
How did Dexter make his money you say? Buying whale bone for stays for ships weighing
three houndred & 40 tons � bort all in boston salum and all in Noue youk under cover
three hundred and forty tons. I bought all in Boston (Salem) and all in New York under cover.
oppenly told them for my ships they all laffed so I had at my -
Openly (I) told them the stays were for my ships and they all laughed, so I bought them at my
oan pris I had four Counting men for Rounners they found the horne as I told
own price. I had four Counting house (bankers) men for runners. They bought the lot, as I told
them to act the fool I was full of Cash I had nine tun of silver on hand at that time �
them to act the fool. I was full of cash, had nine tons of silver on hand at that time �
all that time the Creaters more or less laffing it spread very fast here is the Rub �
All that time the creatures were more or less laughing. It spread very fast. Here is the rub �
in fifty days they smelt a Rat � found where it was gone to Noeebry Port � spekkelaters
In fifty days they smelt a rat. Found (the whalebones) were sent to Newberryport. Speculators
swarmed like hell houns � to be short with it I made seventy five per sent � one tun and halfe of
swarmed like hell hounds. To be short with it, I made seventy five percent -- one ton and half of
silver on hand and over � one more spec � Drole a Nuf
silver on hand and over. One more speculation, drove them nuts.
I Dreamed of worming pans three nites that thay would doue in west inges I got
I dreamed of warming pans three nights, of what they would be used for in the West Indies. I got
no more than fortey two thousand � put them in nine vessels for difrent ports and tuck good hold
about forty two thousand. Put them in nine vessels going to different ports and sold them.
I cleared sevinty nine per sent the pans thay made yous of them for Coucking � very good
I cleared seventy nine percent. The pans they were used in cooking. Very good
masser for Coukey � blessed good in Deade missey got nise handel Now burn my fase the
for cooking molasses. Blessed good indeed, missy, they have a nice handle. Durn my face, the
best thing I Ever see in borne days. I found I was very luckky in spekkelation.
best thing I ever saw in all my born days. I found I was very lucky in speculation.
I Dreamed that the good book was Run Down in this Countrey nine years gone so low as halfe
I dreamed the price of the good book was run down in this country for nine years. It had gone
prise and Dull at that � the bibel I means I had the Ready
so low as half price and the market was not interested at that, in the bible I mean. I had the ready
Cash by holl sale I bort twelve per sent under halfe pris thay Cost fortey one sents
cash to buy wholesale. I bought at twelve percent under half price. They cost forty one cents
Each bibble � twentey one thousand � I put them into twenty one vessels for the west
for each Bible. Twenty one thousand dollars. I put them into twenty one vessels for the West
inges and sent a text that all of them must have one bibel in every
Indies and sent a message that all of them (the West Indians) must have one Bible in every
familey or if not thay would goue to hell � and if thay had Dun wiked flie to the bibel and
family or if not they were going to hell. And if they had told wicked lies to the Bible and got on
on thare Neas and kiss the bibel three times and look up to heaven annest for forgivnes
their knees and kissed the Bible three times and looked up to heaven and asked for forgiveness
My Capiteans all had Compleat orders � here Coms the good luck I made one hundred per sent
My captains all sold out. Here comes the good luck, I made one hundred percent
& littel over then I found I had made money anuf I hant speckualated sense
and a little over. I found I had made money enough and I haven't speculated since.
old time by government secourities I made or cleared forty seven thousand Dolors � that is the
Old time with government securities, I made or cleared forty seven thousand dollars. That is the
old afare. Now I toald the all the sekrett No be still let me A lone
old affair. Now I have told you all the secrets. Be still and let me alone.
Dont wonder Noe more houe I got my money boaz.
Don't wonder no more how I got my money, boys.
And with this we leave Sancho Panza as Lord Dexter in his pursuit of the good life (and a few ladies if they were willing). First in the East, Indeed! Irving Wallace's book, The Square Pegs and Samuel Knapp's Life of Lord Timothy Dexter; Embracing Sketches of the Eccentric Characters That Composed His Associates; Including "Dexter's Pickle for the Knowing Ones are worthy references. Knapp's book is only occasionally available through book sellers on the Internet.
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