1: The rush hour train was packed. Standing pressed up against a beautiful young lady was a creepy looking man. "Will you stop pushing that thing at me" She whispered angrily. "It's only my wallet," he replied. "Well you must have a bloomin' good job, you've had three pay rises since we left Waterloo."
2: A man went for an audition at a local club. "You' better not be a hypnotist, they're not welcome here." "No I'm not, I'm a singer, why, what's wrong with a hypnotist?" "Well we had one a couple days ago with 10 people on stage in a trance when he tripped over the microphone wire and shouted 'S**T'. We've been clearing up ever since."
3: A very attractive woman walks up to the bar in a local pub smiling seductively. She signals for the barman to come over. When he does, she starts to run her fingers through his hair and whispers. "Are you the landlord?" "No. I'm sorry, he's not here at the moment" And he gets all hot and flustered as she brings her fingers down through his hair and begins to gently stroke his beard. "Is there anything I can do?" he whispers. "Yes, will you please give him a message?" By this time, she's put her fingers in his mouth and he's sucking on them sexily. "Will you please tell the landlord that there's no toilet paper in the Ladies."
4: Constipation is when you ask someone "How you are?" but you don't give a s**t.
5: A very pretty young girl was just about to walk into the church in a topless dress when the vicar turns towards her. "I'm afraid you can't come into the church dressed like that" he said. "But I have a divine right", she replied. "Yes, I agree," nodded the vicar, "You have a divine left as well but you still can't come into the church.
6: "Now listen, sons" said daddy
hedgehog. "You're old enough to leave home and there are many dangers
out there, the worst one being that busy road. If you ever need to cross it,
but a car comes along before you get to the other side, just make sure you're
standing in the middle of the lane and it will go over you without causing
harm. Look, I'll show you."
The hedgehog went out to the middle of the lane and waited for an on-coming
car. "Here comes one!" he shouted. "Now watch how it ..."
but that's all he had time to say before there was a sickening crunch and
poor dad was flattened. "Oh dear," said on of the sons, "I
forgot to ask him about three wheelers.
7: Did you know that there are men so tight with their money that they ring up hookers asking what night they're free?
8: You know when you've nearly kicked
the bucket when you try to straighten out the
wrinkles in your socks and realise you're not wearing any.
9: Did you know that the reason Snow white
had to leave Fairy land was because she was caught
sitting on Pinocchio's face saying "Tell a lie, and another, and another."
10: "Mummy, mummy, I didn't know birds were made of metal." "Why do you think that, son" "Because I just heard dad telling his friend that he would like to screw the arse off the bird next door.
11: A little boy went unannounced into his mothers bedroom whilst she was undressing "What big balloons you have", he said "Why Johnny, do you call them that." "Well, I saw daddy blowing up the maid's yesterday, when you went out."
12: A Little boy goes to his mum looking confused. He asks, "Mum, is it bad to have a willy?" "No, dear," replies mum. "Then why is daddy in the bedroom trying to pull it off?"
13: "Mummy, why has daddy got his willy in the biscuit barrel?" "Take no notice dear, he's f**king crackers."
14: A man thought of a very clever way
to make money. He has a unusual anatomy in that he has three balls. He went
to the pub and stood on a table and shouted to the barman to come over.I bet
anyone in this bar that me and this barman have 5 balls between us.People
rushed forward and soon alot of money had changed hands. At that point
the barman turned to the man and said "Wow, it's amazing to find a man
with 4 balls, you see I've only got the one."
15: A lady at the far end of the bar waves
her arm in the air to get the attention of the waiter and by doing that, exposes
her hairy armpit. Down the other end of the bar is a very drunk man who says
"Hey, get the ballerina a drink would you."
"How do you know she's a ballerina?" "Well, no one else would
get their leg up that high."
16: A big, hard man, very drunk and angry throws open the doors of the pub and shouts loudly "All you on the right side are cock-suckers and all you on the left are motherf**kers!" Suddenly a man runs from the left to the right. "Where are you going wimp?" Roars the drunk. "Sorry sir, but I was on the wrong side."
17: A couple have been apart for nearly six months and when they eventually embrace again at the railway station he says, "FF," but she says "No, EF." He replies, "FF" and at that point the ticket inspector taps him on the shoulder and says "I couldn't help but overhear, whats going on?" The man replies, "She wants to eat first."
18: The young couple have been married for six months and one day when they are in bed he asks her if she is happy. "Oh yes," she replies. "Everything is wonderful." "But is there anything that bothers you?" he persists. "Well...only a couple of things. You're always picking your nose and we always make love with you on top." "I can explain that." he says. "When I was growing up my father gave me two pieces of advise which I try to follow - 'Keep your nose clean and don't f**k up."
19: Two men talking in the bookies: "What's wrong Charlie? You don't look so good this morning." "It's the bloody wife: she's keeping me awake at night dreaming of this driving test she's taking next week. Every so often she grabs hold of my willie and moves it around like a gear stick. It's no joke." "I've got an idea Charlie. Next time she starts, turn her over and stick it up her backside - maybe that will stop her." The next night, Charlie does as his mate suggests, turns her over and gives her one up the backside. "£5 of 4-Star, please." she says.
20: "Oh John, do you remember, the last time we were up here was 25 years ago and we made love for the very first time near an old disused barn. I wonder if we could find it again." "I shouldn't think it'd be here after all this time." he said, "but we'll go and have a look." Suprisingly enough, the barn was still there. "Look Doreen, I sat you on that fence over there and we made love, let's do it again." She agreed and he sat her on the fence and began the business. Doreen went completely wild, thrashing her arms in the air and waving her feet around. "Wow, Doreen, you didn't do that last time." "I know" she stammered, "but it wasn't electrified then."
21: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lickalotapus.
22: What do you call a man with a one inch willy? Justin
23: What's the definition of indefinitely? When your balls are bouncing off her arse, that's when you're in-definitely.
24: What's pink and hard first thing in the morning? The Financial Times crossword.
25: The devil tells a man who's just arrived in hell that he must choose one of three doors to enter and in the room beyond he will spend eternity. The man is very worried that he will choose the wrong door so he eventually persuades the devil to let him have a quick look behind the doors before making his choice. Behind the first door he sees everyone standing on their head on a wooden floor. He doesn't fancy doing that for eternity but the second door is even worse. Everyone is standing on their head on a stone floor. However in the third room everyone is standing around drinking tea, ankle deep in manure. Oh well, thought the man, at least I'm not standing on my head, so he tells the devil his choice is room 3. He goes into room 3 and just as the door slams shut behind him he hears the devil shout out, "OK everyone, breaks over" Get back on your heads."
26: A block of flats are on fire and a woman with a baby is trapped on the eighth floor. She is leaning out of the window, screaming for help. Below her on the pavement, the crowd are urging her to throw down the baby, saying they will catch it, but she is afraid it might be dropped. Then along comes a world-famous goalkeeper who persuades her that the baby will be safe in his hands. So at last convinced all will be well she throws down the baby and to much cheering and clapping he catches the baby... bounces it twice and boots it up the street.
27: Did you hear about the disappointed nymphomaniac? She volunteered to put up some of the men from the visiting football club. Six of them should have arrived after the match but one called Dix injured himself during the game and had to go to hospital. On hearing the doorbell, she opened the door and greeted them enthusiastically. "So how many do I get?" she said. "There are five of us here without Dix," they replied. And she slammed the door in their faces.
28: Now, listen son, we can't afford to get you injured before the Cup match next week. So I'll put you on for 45 minutes and pull you off at half-time. "Wow thanks boss, all I got from my old club was a bag of crisps at half-time."
29: A bloke was drinking in a club bar and complaining about his morning's golf. "I only hit four balls properly this morning," he moaned. "Ay," came a voice from the other end of the bar, "and the other two of those were when you stepped on the garden rake."
30: What's a sure way of giving a person amnesia? Lend them money.
31: A wife's face was so badly injured in an accident it required plastic surgery. "We can do it," the surgeon said, "but it will cost you 200 grand and we will need to use skin from your backside. The husband agreed to use his skin and the operation was a great success. A few days later the surgeon rang the husband to tell him that he paid 500 pounds too much for his wifes operation. "Oh no" The husband said, "The extra is for the extra pleasure I get everytime I see my mother in law kiss my arse."
32: The professor of Science turned to a young student in his class and asked her what part of the body becomes 10 times its normal size when under emotional stress. The young girl blushed profusely and said she'd rather not answer. At this point the young student next to her volunteered the answer - it was of course the pupil of the eye. "That's right," said the professor and turning to the young girl he said, "My dear, your refusal to answer tells me three things. First you haven't studied your homework, second you have a one-track mind and third, I'm afraid you're going to be sadly disappointed."
33: A man boasts to his mate: "What has 250 teeth and guards a monster? My trouser flies."
34: One word of advice to men with small dicks: Always marry a girl with small hands - it makes it look bigger.
35: Out on their first date, an arrogant man took the girl back to his flat for a coffee. "You don't talk much," She said. At that he dropped his trousers and proudly said "This does all the talking for me." "Well, that doesn't have much to say either," She retorted.
36: Have you heard about the local flasher who was going to retire? He decided to stick it out another year.
37: What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
A blowjob with handlebars.