Family Jokes
Welcome to the sites Clean Jokes Page. These jokes were submitted by Olliver Burley and approved by me for publishing on this site. I chose this selection of jokes because they will basically make you die laughing. Any way enjoy!
Two nuns are sitting in a trafic jam, waiting for the lights to change, when a vampire suddenly appears in front of the windscreen. "Oh no, what shall we do," stammers the younger nun. "Don't worry sister," replies the older of the pair. "Simply show him your cross." So the younger nun winds down the window, and yells, "Get lost, you blood-sucking little git!"
Q/ "What do you call an aardvark who gets beaten up by a smaller aardvark?"
A/ "A vark"
Q/ "What do you call an aardvark who beats up ten other aardvarks?"
A/ "A well-aardvark"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are out camping. As they lie looking at the stars, Holmes says, "Tell me Watson. What do those stars tell you?" "Well Holmes," replies the doctor, "They tell me a number of things. Firstly, the universe is made up of numerous balls of hydrogen, all burning at thousands of degress centigrade. Also, they tell me that in an infinite universe, we are small and insignificant. Lastly, they tell me it is a clear sky, and we will have good weather tomorrow. Why, Holmes, what do they tell you?" "Elementary, my dear Watson," replies Holmes. "They tell me someone's nicked our tent."
A polar bear is sitting on an iceberg with his mum. "Mum," he asks, "Am I really a polar bear?" "Of course dear," his mum replies. A few minutes later, he aks again. "Look," his mum replies, "I'm a polar bear, your dad's a polar bear, so you're a polar bear!" Another couple of minutes go by, and he asks again. Annoyed, his mum shouts "Yes! Why do you keep asking?" To which the baby polar bear shrieks back; "Because I'm absolutely freezing!"
"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed your case carefully," said the divorce court judge, "And I have decided to award your wife a sum of £500 a month." "That seems to me more than fair, your honour," replies Mr Smith gratefully. "I'll try to chip in a few pounds for her and the kids each month myself"
A boy is walking home from school one day when a car pulls over. "If you get in," the driver says, "I'll give you £10." The boy refuses, and carries on walking. A bit further along, the car pulls over again. "How about £20 and a packet of sweets?" The boy tells him to get lost, and walks on. A bit further along again, the car pulls over. "This is my final offer. £50 and all the sweets you can eat." The boy stops, and walks over to the car. "Look," he hisses, leaning into the window, "You bought the Skoda, Dad, and you have to live with it!"
Q/ Why did God create Adam first?
A/ To give him a chance to speak
Two bats are out for a midnight feast. After a while, they meet in the belfry. Boris is still starving, having not been able to find anything to eat. But Brian comes in licking his lips, with fresh blood dripping from his mouth and fangs. "Wow," says Boris. "I couldn't even find a mouse to eat. Where did you get all that blood?" "I'll show you," replies Brian, and they fly off into the night. After a few moments, Brian slows down to a hover, and says "Right, see that tree?" "Yes," says Boris, licking his fangs in anticipation. "WelI," says Brian, "I didn't."
The woman's husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, but she has faithfully stayed by his bedside every day. One day, during a spell of consciousness, he motioned for her to come closer. As she sat by him, he whispered to her, his eyes full of tears. "My dearest, you have always been by me. Through all the bad times: when I got fired, you were there. When my business failed, you were there. When we lost the house, you were there. When my health started failing, you were there. You know what?" "What dear?" she asked, smiling as her heart filled with warmth. The man feebly lifted his head. "I think you're bad luck."