Jokes About Men

There once lived a perfect man. The perfect man married the perfect woman and they became the perfect couple. One day they were driving down a road and they came upon Santa Claus. The perfect couple ask Santa why he isn't delivering the presents to the children. He tells the perfect couple his sleigh broke down and now the children will not get their presents. The perfect couple don't want the kids to be sad, so they help Santa deliver the presents. They get in an accident. Only one person survives. Who is it?

It can't be Santa because everyone knows there is no Santa.

It can't be the perfect man because there is no such thing as a perfect man.

It's the perfect woman.
But the reason they got in a car crash is because the woman was driving.

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So, there is this guy who had just came back from his honeymoon with his wife. When he gets home he finds that his wife is acting pretty strangely. He asks her what's wrong and she tells him that her dentist had just quit.
Knowing that his wife had a tooth problem and he himself had a medical degree in body parts, the man goes ahead and gets all the dental equipment that is needed.
When he comes back his wife tells him which tooth is hurting. He touches one tooth and asks "This one"
She says "No that's not it"
He touches another tooth "This one"
She says "No that's not it"
He touches another tooth "This one?"
She says "That's not it"
He starts getting annoyed and asks "What tooth is it"
She says "I'm not sure"
Now really annoyed the man says "What does the dentist always do!"
Now his beautiful wife replies "Dang it, I don't know but he always tells me that I have bad teeth and that he needs to rub my body. Then, he always tells me to get a toothpick and chew on it while he does his work."

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1)What is the thinnest book in the world?
A)What men know about women.

2)How many men does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
A)One, I will screw anything!

3)How does a man take a bubble bath?
A)He eats beans for dinner.

4)Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?
A)Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

5)What is a mans idea of foreplay?
A)A half hour of begging.

6)How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
A)He is breathing.

7)How do you save a man from drowning?
A)Take your foot off his head.

8)What is a man's idea of house-work?
A)Lifting his feet so you can vacuum under them.

9)What does a man consider a 7 course meal?
A)A hotdog and a six pack of beer.

___________

40 things NOT to say to a naked guy


1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.

___________

Top Ten Reasons Trick or Treating is Better Than
Sex:

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something
in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it
again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get
some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who
gave you candy.

6. Person you're with doesn't fantasize you're
someone else.

5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9
months.

4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks
you're kinky.

3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and
groaning.

2. Less guilt the next morning.

and, the #1 reason trick or treating is
better than sex...

1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU
CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!

___________

Men are always whining about how we women suffocate them. Well, in my opinion, if you can still hear them whine, you're not holding the pillow hard enough!

___________

WHY IS IT BETTER TO BE A MAN?

1. Phone conversations last 30 seconds
2. You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes
3. A 5-day vacation requires only one suitcase
4. Bathroom lines are 80% shorter
5. You can open all your own jars
6. Old friends don't care if you've lost or gained weight
7. When clicking through the channels you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying
8. You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere you go
9. Your last name stays put
10. You can leave a hotel room bed unmade
11. You can kill your own food
12. The garage is all yours
13. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
14. You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment"
15. Cleaning the toilet is optional
16. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes
17. Wedding plans take care of themselves
18. If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend
19. Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3
20. None of your coworkers have the power to make you cry
21. You don't have to shave below your neck
22. You don't have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night
23. If you're 34 and single, no one notices
24. Chocolate is just another snack
25. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat
26. Flowers and/or duct tape fix everything
27. You never have to worry about others' feelings
28. Three pair of shoes are more than enough
29. You can say anything and not worry about what people think
30. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day
31. Car mechanics tell you the truth
32. You don't care if someone doesn't notice your new haircut
33. You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking, "He must be mad at me"
34. One mood, all the time
35. You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to look like him

___________

Why do men prefer INTELLIGENT women?


Opposites attract.

___________

How do you know when a man is about to say something smart?


He starts his sentence with, "My girlfriend once told me..."

___________

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while, one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed! "What happened then?" they asked.

"She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'"

___________

How are men like computers?

They don't work until they are turned on

___________

Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television
remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If
the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole
show looking for it, though one time I was able
to survive by holding a calculator.

Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the
car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and
ignore your suggestions that we call a road
service until long after hypothermia has set in.
Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I
will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I
know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows
up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be
able to fix these things, but now with all these
computers and everything, I wouldn't know
where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need
someone to bring me soup and take care of me
while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as
sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to
purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk
or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic
items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know these
are the same thing. And never, under any
circumstances, expect me to pick up anything
for which "feminine hygiene product" is a
euphemism.

___________

What is 6 inches long, has a big head, and drives
women wild?

A hundred dollar bill.

___________

Everyday I give thanks to God I was born a man
instead of a broad.

When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV I don't
shave my legs, I stand up to pee.

I go to a barber, not a beauty salon

I don't pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them
back on.

I don't wax my pubes so I can wear shorts

I use my turn signal, I understand sports.

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, Tell you the reason I am.
I don't go through a phase Every 28 days.

I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons
Don't take a lot of friends when I go the the
john.

I don't throw a fit when I break a nail

I don't buy a lot of shoes just because they're
on sale.

I don't apply makeup in my rear-view mirror

I don't think of Bambi when I'm out hunting deer.

I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass

I don't ask my friends about the size of my ass.

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, Tell you the reason I am.
I don't face the pain Of water-weight gain.

I don't spend two hours getting ready for a date

I don't play with dolls unless they inflate.

When someone asks me my age, I never lie

After sex in bed, my spot's always dry.

I don't read about orgasms in Vogue magazines

I don't mind if my dates try to get in my jeans.

I don't spend a fortune on French lingerie

This is the same underwear I wore yesterday.

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, Tell you the reason I am.
I don't take a pill I don't use Massengill.