Humorous Jokes


This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast food establishment. They hired him. NAME - Greg Bulmash DESIRED POSITION - Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY - $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION - Yes. LAST POSITION HELD - Target for middle management hostility. SALARY - Less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT - My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes REASON FOR LEAVING - It sucked HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK - Any PREFERRED HOURS - 1:30 - 3:30 pm, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes DO YOU SMOKE? Only when set on fire WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? No, but I dare you to prove otherwise. SIGN HERE Scorpio with Libra rising

This guy was in a bar talking to his hand. The bartender came to him and said, "I do not want weirdos in my bar. I might ask you to leave." The guy said, "I'm talking to my cell phone. I got tired of carrying my cell phone so I had it imbedded into my hand." The bartender did not believe him, so the guy had the bartender dial a number and then talked into his hand. The bartender said, "How cool!" As the evening went on the bar got more crowded. The bartender looked up and noticed the guy was gone but his drink and cigarettes were still there. The bartender got worried and went looking for him. The bartender went into the bathroom and saw the guy on the floor with his pants down to his knees and a roll of toilet paper up his butt. The bartender asked, "Are you OK? Who did this to you?" The guy replied, "I'm OK, just waiting for a fax!"

An anonymous girl lets call her Jen, is a junior in college attending school in Colorado, like all college students, she is wrapped up in the partying and the wilderness college life has to offer. Jen being the computer science major that she is does however have a lot of work to do on her computer so when she's not out having a good time, she's working her butt off designing computer programs and installing software. One day, soon after she had broken up with her boyfriend, she was home alone on a friday night for the first time in the three years they had been dating. She was sad alone and depressed, so she decided to make a new homepage. she was playing on the net when she decided to get onto a chat line, being the wild psycho she is she decided to get onto a sex line. So Jen got onto a sex chat line and started playing around on it. Over the line, she met a guy who identified himself as Jeremy, she started playing with him, she gave a false name, saying her name was 'Katie' and started getting into detail about what she would like to do to him with her tongue. he responded by telling her to picture being naked while his hands ran over every square inch of her body. Soon they were having cybersex. This went on for awhile, and then she got off the line agreeing to meet him back online the following night. Saturday night rolls around, and Jen is online with Jeremy again, they become even closer this night, so they continue like this for a week. At the end of the week, they started talking about other things, and got into very intimate issues and feelings. they became close, exchanging their lives, Jen didnt' tell Jeremy she was in college, because she was afraid of sounding like an immature college girl. She felt guilty, but after a few weeks, she really liked this guy. This went on the two of them like this for months, and months turned into a year. By the end of the year they had exchanged the most intimate thoughts, and yet had never even spoken on the phone. They were afraid of ruining the mystery. They had done everything sexually possible over the net, they were affectionate as well, waiting for the day that they could some day be together. They finally decided they had had enough. They wanted to meet each other, they were in love and they had to meet. They didn't care about age or looks or anything but each other. Jeremy told Jen he thought she could be his next wife. Jen was weary at first but decided she didn't care how old he was or how ugly she loved him, he was the only one she could feel comfortable with. So...they planned a trip to meet in Vale, Colorado. They were going to spend the weekend together and finally meet. Jen didn't want the hassle of having to find him, so she said, why don't you just get the room and we'll meet in the room that way there will be no mistake. Jeremy agreed. Jen showed up at the resort first, and checked into the room telling the desk lady to hold the key for the next party, so she went into the room. She wanted things to be special so she lit some candles, put on some music. She stripped naked and climbed into the bed under the covers, deciding to surprise jeremy when he got there. The time soon came the lights were out, the mood was right, and she heard a key in the door, she heard someone walk in and around the corner, and she whispered, 'Jeremy', Jeremy said, 'Katie?' (this was the false name she had given him.) yes she said, so he fumbled for the light, and turned it on to see Jen on the bed naked before him. Then... next thing heard around the world were two blood curling screams. Jen covered herself up, and with her most humiliating voice and said, 'Dad?' and Jeremy said, 'JEN!!!'

Two guys met at heaven. First one asked, 'How did you die?' Second one said, 'I died because of heart attack, 'What about you?' 'I died of exposure, but were you a heart patient?' 'No, one day after returning from the office, I heard my wife talking to a man inside my house. I knocked down the door and went inside. I searched every corner of my house, but wasn't able to find anybody there. Because of my guilty feeling that I had suspected my wife of infidelity, my heart broke and I died.' 'Ooohh. geesh, you should have opened the fridge, neither of us would have died.'

This woman at a party walked up to this man and told him, "If you were my husband I would poison your drink," and the man says, "If you were my wife I would drink it."

 

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