WOMEN Jokes!
Good girls loosen a few
buttons when it's hot.
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it.
Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.
Good girls wax their floors.
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie.
Bad girls know they could do it better.
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.
Good girls wear high heels to work.
Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
Good girls say, "Don't... Stop..."
Bad girls say, "Don't Stop..."
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Two people in a nursing home, both in their 80's wanted to get married. The doctor of the nursing home found out about this and took each one into his office separately to try and talk them out of it. First he called in the woman and he told her that the man had already had two heart attacks and was very unhealthy and could die at any time, she told the doctor that she didn't care and she left. then the doctor called in the man and he said to him that the woman was suffering from acute angina, and he said " I know , I peeked".
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Two guys were talking.
The first one said, "I would like to see a woman dentist."
"Why so?" asked his friend.
"Because it would be a pleasure to have a woman say, 'open your mouth'
instead of 'shut up.'"
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Why are Beers Better Than Woman?
1. You always know if you are the first one to open a beer. 2. A beer never gets jealous if you grab another beer. 3. A beer never gets angry if you arrive smelling of beer. 4. The colder a beer, the better. 5. You can always share a beer with your friends. 6. A beer does not get upset if you arrive at 3 a.m. 7. You can choose a beer from a box, and if you change your mind, you can pick another one. |
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Why doesn't a woman need a car?
Because she doesn't need a car to get from the bedroom to the kitchen.
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When a man talks dirty to a
woman, it's called harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.99/minute
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How are women and parking
spots the same?
All the good ones are taken, and the rest are
Handicapped.
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Why did the woman cross the
road?
More to the point -- why was she out of the kitchen??
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Women are like lava lamps. Fun to look at but not that bright.
______________________
How do you know when a
woman's going to say something intelligent?
She starts her sentence with "A man told me..."
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What's the difference between a beer and a woman? You can have more than one beer and not feel guilty.
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Hey, did you know that I'm a
sex object?
Ya, every time I ask a girl for sex she objects.
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Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry.
By taking a few minutes each day for the week preceding the exam and doing the
following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And best of all, you
can do these simple practice exercises right in the privacy of your own home.
Exercise #1:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into
the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends
together as hard as you can. Repeat with the other breast. Set an appointment
with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.
Exercise #2
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main
box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible
and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Do
this again in case the last time wasn't effective enough. Then repeat with the
other breast.
Exercise #3
Visit your garage at 3 a.m. when the temperature of the concrete floor is just
perfect. Take off all your warm clothes and lay comfortably on the floor with
one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back
the car up until the breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and
repeat for the other breast.
CONGRATULATIONS!
Now you are properly prepared for your mammogram.
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Why has no woman been on the
moon?
Because it doesn't need cleaning yet.
______________________
Why do women rub their eyes
when they wake up in
the morning?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
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What's the difference between
a tribe of pygmies
and a women's track team?
The pygmies are a pack of cunning runts.
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In a crowded city at a
crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked
out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware
that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the
bus' first step. So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus
driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this
would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step
onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more
embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little
more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her
chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So with a coy
little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a
little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up
easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she
went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him "How dare
you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!! " At this the Texan
drawled " Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you
unzipped my fly three times, I kind of figured that we was friends."