DIRTY JOKES

One day, shortly after having her ninth baby, the good Irish lady ran into her parish priest. He congratulated her on the new offspring, then said, "But isn't having nine babies a little much?" "Well," she said, "I don't know why I get pregnant so often, it must be something in the air." "Yes," replied the priest, "your legs."

A very rich man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said," That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10-meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No," she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal..."

One day 3 Asian guys go to find a prostitute. They walk into a club and are approached by a lady. The lady explains to the that she charges $10 to do it on the grass, $30 to do it behind a car, AND $60 to do it in a hotel room. So the lady asks the Chinese fellow how much he is willing to pay and he replies "$10 and no more". The lady then says "Forget about you, you have no class". Then she shifts gears and questions the Latino man about how much he is willing to pay, and he say "$30 ". The lady was not satisfied, and finally asks the Persian man how much he will pay, the Persian guy say "$60 BABY". The lady says "Oh I will take you, you have so much class". BUT the Persian guy then says "CLASS MY ASS I WANT SIX TIMES ON THE GRASS"

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?" The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer. "Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket." "Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied. "So what happened then?" the man asked. The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left." "And then?" "Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket." The man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man asked. "I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right." "And then?" "Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail." "Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said. "So, what did you do?" the man asked. "Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in ... Some things you just can't explain."

What do breasts and electric trains have in common? They're both meant for children but it's usually the men who wind up playing with them.

Q: Did you hear about the lady who wanted to buy a new butt? A: Her old one had a crack in it!

What has 100 teeth and holds back a monster? A zipper.

Little Tommy runs into the bathroom one day to
find his mother taking a bath. He points at her
bush and asks, 'What's that Mommy?'
A little embarassed, she tells him that is is her
sponge. Tommy is satisfied with that answer and
goes back to playing with his toys. Some time
later, Tommy catches his mother in the shower
shortly after she has shaved her bush for bikini
season. Tommy asks her, 'Where is your sponge
mommy?'

__________________

Again embarassed she tells him that she lost it
but will probably find it soon. Tommy is a little worried and promises his mommy that he will help her find it. His mother says OK and goes back to showering. Soon, Tommy comes running back in and says that he has found his mother's sponge.
__________________

'What do you mean you found my sponge? Where?'
'The lady next door has it and she's washing
Daddy's face with it!'

__________________

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come inpacks of 3,
9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
'Well,' he said, 'I've been seeing this girl for
a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms
because I think tonight's 'the' night. We're
having dinner with her parents, and then we're
going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get
lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want
me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12
pack.'
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with
his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he
might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins
the prayer, but continues praying with his head
down for several minutes after everyone starts
eating. The girl leans over and says, 'You never
told me that you were such a religious person.'
He leans over to her and says, 'You never told
me that your father is a pharmacist.'

__________________

How much calcium is in a woman's breast?

Enough to make a bone 8 inches long!

______________________

Sex is like a card game. If you don't have a good partner you better have a good hand!

__________________

The Rules of Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is completed. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

_______________

Why did Minnie Mouse get kicked out of the sand
box?

She sat on Pinocchio's nose and said, 'Lie to
me! Lie to me!'

Children in the back of the car cause accidents. Accidents in the back of the car cause children.

Hosted by www.Geocities.ws