Computer Jokes

For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think,
something from Microsoft shipped on time: Jennifer
Katharine Gates, weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces when
she was downloaded, er, born on Friday, April 26
at 6:11pm.

And what do Baby Gates and Daddy's products have
in common?

1. Neither can stand on its own two feet without a
LOT of third party support.

2. Both barf all over themselves regularly.

3. Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft
Tech Support won't help.

4. As they mature, we pray that they will be
better than that which preceeded them.

5. At first release they're relatively compact,
but they seem to grow and grow and grow with each
passing year.

6. Although announced with great fanfare, pretty
much anyone could have produced one.

7. They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate
documentation.

8. No matter what, it takes several months between
the announcement and the actual release.

9. Bill gets the credit but someone else did most
of the work.

10. For at least the next year, they'll suck.

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Netscape Navigator:

This program has performed an illegal operation
and will be arrested. Please contact it's
attorney immediately.

Arrest
Charges: Overflowing CPU
Possession of System Resources
Overdose on URLsd
Murder of 'MicroSoft Internet Explorer'
Surfing on Private Property

_____________________________

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system. We are currently building a data center that will contain all firm data that is Year 2000 complaint. The program is referred to as the "Millennium Year Application Software System". (MYASS).

Next Monday at 9:00 a.m. there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. As for the status of the implementation of the program,
I have not addressed the networking aspects, so currently, only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after
MYASS expands.

Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find he had his nose buried in MYASS.

I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MYASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say, "I'm a little nervous. I've never put anything into MYASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through, she admitted it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she
was ready to kiss MYASS.

I know there are concerns over the virus found in MYASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however,
protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business.

So, as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be common place to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS." This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company. In a recent audit, an employee was asked where he had secured the numbers on the report. He proudly exclaimed, "I just pulled them out of MYASS."

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A computer flashed a message to its user: "I give up! I can't handle it anymore! Let the chips fall where they may!

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