| AFFC: (4) T-BIRD2 (4-9, 644 points) at (1) JAYHAWKS (11-2, 879 points) | |||
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The Storyline: Two old rivals meet at "The Nest" (not to be confused with "The Nest2") in Clayton, N.C., in a first-round AFFC matchup. All-Time Head-2-Head Results: The 'Hawks own a 10-4-1 advantage, including Week 4 and 12 wins in '03. Postseason History: The fifth-ranked 'Hawks took a 1999 semifinals matchup in an upset over the top-ranked 'Bird before losing in the Tech Bowl. T-Bird has won Tech Bowl crown (1996), the Jayhawks have none (3 trips, 3 losses). The Line: Jayhawks by 18 |
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| Starters | Who Has the Advantage? | Starters | |
| QB | Manning | T-Bird2 ... Marc Bulger emerged from his funk Sunday vs. the Vikings (the perfect "get-well defense"), but Peyton has been fantasy's most consistent, reliable quarterback over the past five seasons, and he's tied for second in individual player scoring this season. | Bulger |
| RB1 | R. Williams | Jayhawks ... No knock on Ricky, but Portis has been a bit better this year. In his past two games he's accounted for 178 and 177 yards, respectively. | Portis |
| RB2 | M. Cloud | Jayhawks ... Man, somebody is going to have to bite the bullet and spend a quarter! Now that Dunn's done and Hearst is hurt, T-Buzzard has no one else to turn to other than Mike Cloud, who, I'll venture to say, is no Deuce McAllister. | McAllister |
| WR1 | Chambers | Jayhawks ... Chris Chambers has had a nice breakout season, so the difference between these two isn't that great, but Marvin's a name brand, and has T-Bird's quarterback throwing to him. | Harrison |
| WR2 | R. Wayne | Jayhawks ... Wayne's been a pleasant surprise for the 'Bird, but Keyshawn's cousin Chad is one of the top three receivers in the AFFC, and the best the Bengals have had since Carl Pickens. | C. Johnson |
| WC | Hilliard or Moulds |
Jayhawks ... When was the last time Eric Moulds did anything? The 'Hawks have plenty o' solid options to choose from. | S. Davis or Westbrook or K. Robinson or Toomer |
| TE | Becht | Push ... Vick's back! But Crumpler still hasn't done squat since Week 2. Plus what the hell kind of name is Alge? Becht's pretty blah himself though. | Crumpler |
| K | Kasay | Push ... Kasay couldn't hit the broad side of a barn against Philly, but whenever Tim has Kasay on his team, you have to be concerned! (The two teamed up to win the '96 overall championship and Tech Bowl title.) | Graham |
| D | Giants or Redskins |
Push ... Nothing special to see here, folks ... Keep moving. | Chiefs or Vikings |
| Prediction: When it comes to the playoffs, the Jayhawks are the Buffalo Bills of TFFL franchises. Three trips to the Tech Bowl have ended in three bitter losses -- but at least they've been getting there! T-2 has already reached one of his goals this season, making the playoffs by the hair on his chinny-chin-chin. It would take a miracle for him to not meet his other goal (not finishing in last place), so Tim should be happy with what the 'Birds have done and call it a season. El Diablo will attempt to rally his troops with some extra motivation -- it's the 100th head-2-head matchup in this story franchise's history -- but it won't be enough to pull the upset. 'Hawks win, but won't cover the 18-point spread. | |||
| AFFC: (3) CAROLINA KILLERS (7-6, 650 points) at (2) BERSERKERS (8-5, 799 points) | |||
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The Storyline: Don't make a shopping trip to the Qwikie-Mart this Sunday -- the door will be locked. The action will be up on the roof, where Jay and Silent Bob will be spewing smack-talk and hitting on anything that moves. All-Time Head-2-Head Results: The Berserkers own a 5-3 all-time advantage. The two split the '03 series, with the 'Zerks romping to a 58-point win in Week 6 and da Killahs getting revenge in Week 12. Postseason History: CK rolled in a 1997 first-round battle, 66-27, en route to the Tech Bowl title. The Line: Berserkers by 11 1/2 |
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| Starters | Who Has the Advantage? | Starters | |
| QB | Hasselbeck | Carolina Killers ... In fantasy terms, Matt Hasselbeck has been almost as hot as his brother Tim's wife! Well, almost. Brady's been pretty good lately too. | Brady |
| RB1 | Henry | Berserkers ... You think Travis Henry is worried about losing his job to Willis McGahee? The guy is out there playing with a broken leg, for Chrissakes, and looking good doing it. LT2 has been one of the best backs this year, however, and he hasn't been weeping it up on 60 minutes like the real LT. | Tomlinson |
| RB2 | Hambrick or Garner |
Berserkers ... Tiki was pathetic Sunday vs. the Bills, and fumbles about as much as Rashaan Salaam did, but Garner's washed up and Ham-bone is pretty mediocre. | Barber |
| WR1 | Owens | Berserkers ... Who would have thought Santana Moss would be third among receivers in scoring this season? But the numbers don't lie. And all the star-stomping, Sharpies, pom-poms and sideline rants ain't gonna change that. | S. Moss |
| WR2 | A. Johnson | Berserkers ... Andre Johnson's been good for a rookie, but Hines Ward is, well, a Steeler! | H. Ward |
| WC | S. Smith | Push ... Mason had one huge week, but has been otherwise average. Smith isn't a bad option when he's not punching teammates in the face or moaning about a new contract. | Mason |
| TE | McMichael | Berserkers ... Someone must have pointed out to Dick Vermeil that he had Tony Gonzalez on his team a few weeks back because he's been on fire lately. | Gonzalez |
| K | Vinatieri | Push ... One seems like a nice guy who comes through in the clutch and was a big part of his team's Super Bowl run. The other is a fall-down drunk who has to drug women to get laid. Sounds like a push to me! | Janikowski or B. Cundiff |
| D | Rams or Seahawks |
Push ... Eenie, meenie, miney, moe ... | Patriots |
| Prediction: The Berserkers are hosting a playoff game for the first time ever -- but how much of an advantage is that? Leave it to Jano to spike all the free Gatorade during pregame warmups (another "Clerks" reference). Tomlinson could be comatose and still run all over the Lions defense, but Hasselbeck is going to torch the Vikings secondary and the Cardinals aren't going to stop Terrible Owens. Killers win in a tight one. | |||
| NFFC: (4) SPRINGFIELD ISOTOPES (5-8, 601 points) at (1) GAMBLERS (11-2, 838 points) | |||
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The Storyline: The Isotopes make their inaugural playoff appearance at "Dave's Casino and Resort" (where the quarter slots pay off in free agents). All-Time Head-2-Head Results: The Gamblers swept the '03 series. Postseason History: None. The Gamblers reached but lost the '01 Tech Bowl. The Line: Gamblers by 18 |
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| Starters | Who Has the Advantage? | Starters | |
| QB | Bledsoe or T. Green |
Gamblers ... I'm not quite sure why I put Trent Green as an option, since the 'Topes haven't changed their lineup in several weeks, even as brutal as Bledsoe has been. Gamblers have the luxury of playing matchups with a couple of MVP candidates (and one of them isn't Favre!). | McNair or Favre or Kitna |
| RB1 | Barlow | Gamblers ... I guess you could make the case that Kevan Barlow has some good upside now that Hearst is out, but this is ridiculously lopsided. | S. Alexander |
| RB2 | Pittman | Gamblers ... Edge may look like a dirty toilet bowl brush but at least he doesn't try to run over his wife and kids with an SUV. Oh yeah, plus he's a better running back. | E. James |
| WR1 | R. Moss | Push ... Ah, the two best fantasy receivers in the land! Moss has been dyn-o-mite this year, and Torry finally has the touchdowns to go along with his always great yardage totals. Speaking of yardage, Holt's on pace to rack up about 1,850 this season! He da man! | Holt |
| WR2 | Boston | Gamblers ... After qualifying for "Bust of the Year" for much of the season, Boston has actually been serviceable for the past few weeks. All three of the Gamblers' choices have been having very good years, however. | Horn or D. Jackson or McCardell |
| WC | Burress | Gamblers ... Talk about your busts -- Plaxico didn't do didley between Weeks 2 and 13. Meanwhile, the Gambler has more nice options to choose from. | D. Davis or D. Jackson or McCardell |
| TE | Sharpe | Springfield Isotopes ... Jake the Snake is seriously going to miss Sharpe when he retires after this season. Shannon's been better than any tight end not named Tony Gonzalez. | Graham |
| K | Wilkins or J. Reed |
Gamblers ... For an idiot kicker who gets liquored up and mouths off on Canadian TV, then barely survives a training camp battle for his job, Vanderjagt's been pretty good! | Vanderjagt |
| D | Ravens | Springfield Isotopes ... I just can't get excited about breaking down team defenses. | Panthers or 49ers |
| Prediction: After taking the typical new team hot-start, cold-finish path, the Isotopes have been good enough to stay out of the NFFC cellar. But you aren't going to survive the first round with Kevan Barlow and Michael Pittman as your running backs. The Gambler picked up Jon Kitna and got 23 points out of him last week, so he's definitely got his mojo working. The 'Topes will take heed of the Gamblers' theme song -- "know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, and know when to run" -- as the home team romps easily and covers the spread. | |||
| NFFC: (3) WILE E. COYOTES (6-7, 575 points) at (2) HEELBILLYS (7-6, 769 points) | |||
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The Storyline: The defending Tech Bowl champion 'Yotes travel "o'er the hill" to face the sheep-loving Heelbillys. All-Time Head-2-Head Results: The 'Yotes own a commanding 5-1-1 all-time advantage, including Week 4 and 12 wins in '03. Postseason History: The 'Yotes won a semifinals meeting last season, 49-34, during their miracle Tech Bowl season. The Line: Heelbillys by 15 |
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| Starters | Who Has the Advantage? | Starters | |
| QB | Pennington or Vick |
Heelbillys ... After making Michael Vick his No. 1 pick way back in mid-August, Billo finally has the option of using him. But will he? Pennington has been just as good as anyone not named Hasselbeck, Manning or Culpepper over the past four weeks. Speaking of Culpepper, he plays Hasselbeck and the Seahawks at the Metrodome on Sunday. Shootout! | Culpepper |
| RB1 | F. Taylor | Heelbillys ... Just in case anyone is counting, "Fragile Fred" Taylor has been healthy for almost two full seasons now! He's not in the same class as Holmes, however, who isn't quite the same back as he was last season but is still good enough to lead the league in scoring. | Holmes |
| RB2 | Bennett | Push ... Bennett's been a nice No. 2 runner for the 'Yotes since coming over from the 'Hawks in the Marvin Harrison deal. But he's either boom or bust, getting a long touchdown or nothing at all. Thomas has been steady, when he's not ill (if you played on a team named Heelbillys, you'd be sick too). | A. Thomas |
| WR1 | Bruce | Push ... Lav has had the better season, but the chances of him scoring with Tim Hasselbeck as quarterback are about as good as the Commish's chances of scoring with Tim Hasselbeck's wife. Bulger tosses the rock to "Bruce Almighty" every once in a while. | Coles |
| WR2 | P. Price | Heelbillys ... The Price is wrong, bitch! Even with Vick back, either Smith is looking better. | R. Smith or J. Smith |
| WC | L. Jordan or Tr. Brown or Lelie |
Heelbillys ... Hey, the 'Yotes are in ninth place for a reason. You don't want to have to start any of those three. Billy boy actually has some decent options to choose from. | R. Johnson or Dillon or J. Smith |
| TE | F. Jones | Heelbillys ... Not much of an advantage, but the quarterbacks throwing them the ball are Brett Favre and Jeff Blake. Enough said. | Franks |
| K | Carney | Wile E. Coyotes ... Isn't it nice to have a solid kicker, someone you can just plug in and not have to think about a matchup or playing a backup? Heelbillys seems to keep starting the wrong guy. | Elam or Mare |
| D | Broncos or Eagles |
Push ... Don't expect much here. None of the matchups are all that attractive. Analyzing this matchup wasn't what I had in mind when I started this preview. | Dolphins or Cowboys |
| Prediction: Unlike Bunting's boys over in Chapel Hell, the Heelbillys actually reached the postseason, and have been good enough to be considered the favorite. The 'Yotes have to tote the Tech Bowl down I-40 to the badlands, but the incomparable Mike Vick will be doing the carrying. Unfortunately for the Wiley one, Culpepper will be in a shootout with the Seahawks this week, and the Broncos aren't going to stop Priest with their two best linebackers out for the season. The 'Yotes will put up a valiant effort but fall in another close one. | |||