To be the man, you have to beat the man. That's what Ric Flair used to say. Last year, Dave Depratter was the man, and his Gamblers were the Four Horsemen that left the rest of the league in their apocalyptic wake. Can Dave defend his title in 2002? Will another team rise from the ashes like a Phoenix? Why does some chewing gum lose its flavor? The answers to all this and more start to be revealed on Draft Day Aught Deux. With that in mind, we take a look at how the first round might go in our annual mock draft.
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| Steve's neighbor ... or Tim's starting tight end? Don't you wish I could show you the rest of this picture? Is anyone actually reading this, or are you just staring at the chick? |
Pick: Marshall Faulk Says Batcho, "Mmmmmm mmmmmm mmmmm mmmmmm mmmbbbblllllle!" Roughly translated: "I hate this pick. It sucks!"
2. Berserkers: Kev's in trouble. Amanda, his draft guru, hasn't made it to the big shindig this year, and Kev's knowledge of the game proves to be a bit limited. You always wondered what would happen if Amanda weren't around to draft Broncos. Turns out Kev goes for the most famous horsey he can think of.
Pick: Secretariat. Says Kev, "If he can carry a jockey to victory, he can carry my offense there too."
3. Heelbillys: Like Amanda, Wayne is AWOL from the draft. He's forced to put a quarter in the slot and crank up Auto-Commish early & often. Knowing Wayne's affinity for ex-Carolina guys, Kinger picks a Tar Heel that we'll all be seeing way too much of every Sunday.
Pick: Stuart Scott. Says Wayne, "That pick (Boo yow!) is cooler than the other side of my light blue, ram-fleeced pilly."
4. Wile E. Coyotes: Unfortunately, time expires on Bill to make a pick while he is trying to clean up all the various spills he has caused so far. Kinger's carpet is forever stained, as is Bill's team after Auto-Commish kicks in for the second straight pick, resulting in a pick that's fleet of foot, but sorely lacking in good hands (or any hands, actually).
Pick: Mineola (Bill's cat). Says BillO: "Pass the Brawny, I've made a mess of my team and the floor!"
5. Carolina Killers: I would just like to point out that Steve is in this spot because his lily-white team of anal assassins choked a big one at the end of last year and got beat out in the standings by the Mighty-Mighty-Mediocre Meteorologists. You'll forgive me for talking smack about ole Steve, but when you never finish higher than fourth like I do, it's important to never miss a chance to try to make fun of someone else. Anyway, this pick is an easy one. Hodges, who always picks guys about three rounds too early, then watches them have career years, has had his eye on a certain Mark Bavaro clone ever since the first preseason game.
Pick: Jeremy Shockey. Says Steve: "I have no idea who Mark Bavaro is, but if he was good, I bet he was Greek."
6. Weathermen: Well, of course, ole Bubba is still pissed about Batcho not trading with him. Only 8 months, 30 days, 23 hours and 32 minutes to go until that gets cleared up. Nothing like a little gamesmanship to keep the league interesting. In the mean time, the Meteorologists know that there's one man in all of football that can turn a foul up into a first down, a fumble into a touchdown and a coin toss into a Thanksgiving turkey.
Pick: Phil Lucket. Says Bubba: "If a bad call can send the Pats to the Super Bowl, maybe I can at least win a week with the world's worst ref."
7. T-Bird2: Am I the only one who thinks that Steve's neighbor and Tim need to get together to share trade secrets? (For the uninformed, she's a stripper at Pure Gold, Tim used to be a male stripper, and, oh yeah, he likes naked women too.) This is a match made in morality quiz heaven. What does this have to do with Tim's pick? Nothing really, but as I write this, Steve keeps IMing me pictures of his neighbor taking a shower with two other women. I am, quite understandably, having a tough time keeping my mind on the task at hand. But since we're talking about TFFL's version of Hugh Heffner.
Pick: The Playboy Bunny. Says Uncle Timmy: "There's more than one way to score, boys. Hold the interceptions and pass the beaver pelts."
8. Jayhawks: The Commish invokes the archaic Avogadro Rule (so called because it is supposedly located in section 6.02 X 10 to the 23rd power of the TFFL constitution), which says that in even-numbered years when the draft's host has the eighth pick, he may use his first round selection to take his three favorite TFFL players of all time with one pick. There is a brief discussion of reviewing the official rule book to check whether or not this rule actually exists. However, since the only copy at hand is located in a footlocker guarded by Jason's hell spawn of a cat, the notion is quickly dismissed. Luckily, Kinger's three favorite TFFL players all turn out to be Corey Dillon.
Pick: Corey Dillon, Corey Dillon, Cory Dillon and Cory Dillon. Says Jay: "I'll trade at least two of them to Baysden later anyway."
9. Jellypop Fighters: Before Todd can announce his selection, Batcho announces that he has waived Marshall Faulk and wants to pick up Trung Candidate in his place. In a deft bit of commishioning, Jay approves the transaction and announces he has picked up Faulk off the waiver wire. Turns out, Todd actually got bored with the draft 30 minutes ago, right after the cheese dip ran out, and left for Durham (which is 15 hours from King's house). He did, however, leave the word "Rosebud" written in cheesedoodles on the dinner table. Rosebud sounds a lot like "Rose Bowl" and since Jake Plummer once played in a Rose Bowl with ASU while in college, Auto-Commish thinks it's pretty clear who Todd wants.
Pick: Jake Plummer. Says Todd: "I coulda been a contender." Wait, wrong classic movie. Like anybody will know the difference anyway.
10. Gamblers: The defending champ is a Gambler. Brett Favre is a riverboat gambler of a quarterback. Last year they teamed for fantasy greatness. So what if all Brett's receivers are playing for the Rhine Fire! As Tim once said.
Pick: Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Says Dave: "Jen's gonna love the Maui vacation we can afford with the winnings!"