THE COMMISH: SIX QUESTIONS

The Commish: Six Questions
Posted 8/01/01

I've been bugged lately by that big blank space where columns are supposed to go on the site front, so ...

Here's six questions I have about the upcoming TFFL season. And if the world were perfect, here's how they'd play out.

6. Whose No. 1 pick will go down with a season-ending injury the week after we draft?

The pain! THE PAIN!

Reality bites: The past is littered with the carcasses of players who suffered broken bones or ligaments and the owners who suffered broken hearts and dreams because of it. Witness: Terrell Davis, Jamal Anderson, Steve Young, Vinny Testaverde, TD (again).

Utopia! Directly after the draft, we flip the TV over to ESPN News, where they announce Batcho's top dog has just bit the dust! Ron goes nuts and slays Steve's parakeets (who we couldn't get to shut the hell up during the draft). Then the ESPN anchor comes back and says the report was false, Ron calms down, and we all have a good laugh while enjoying our bird-ka-bobs.

5. UNC-CH vs. Oklahoma on Draft Night. How bad will it be?

Reality bites: The Tar Holes get first crack at the defending champs. New guy Wayne (Chapel Hell alum) has "good feeling." But the Holes have recent opening losses to Virginia (20-17 in '99) and MIAMI OF OHIO (13-10 in '98). Imagine what will happen when they play a real team!

Utopia! All the Na Browns and Alge Crumplers in the world can't stop this massacre. Ronald Scurry gets hit so hard he wets his baby blues, while Julie Peppers tastes the salty tears of defeat in a 64-0 thumper.

Jake Plummer sucks

What? I'm a Jellypop Fighter? Oh, no!

4. At what point of the draft will Billo and McGee nod off to sleep?

Reality bites: After Round 13, those two might have well been drafting pee-wee players for all they knew. Darrin Chiaverini, Keith Poole, J.R. Redmond ... these are the dregs of any fantasy magazine's draft cheat sheet.

Utopia! The 'Yotes and Jellypops purchase the Commish's "special edition" draft publication and build their teams around the likes of Jake Plummer, Tony Banks, Travis Prentice and Torrance Small.

3. In what week will Bubba make his first threat to quit the league?

Reality bites: In '98, his team sucked. In '99, we had the great tight end debate. Then in 2000, luck had too much to do with it.

Utopia! Baysden is in first after one week, threatens to quit because the league is too easy, then sinks like a rock and writes a nice, fat check at the end of the year. Better him than me!

2. What will be T-Bird2's margin of victory in the final standings?

Reality bites: The Great One has this "even-year good, odd-year bad" thing going. Witness:

Season 2: 2 out of 8, 36 points behind Steve (oh, the shame!)

Season 3: 8 out of 9, 291 points off the pace

Season 4: 1 out of 10

Season 5: Rock bottom! 10 out of 10, a whopping 535 points back of yours truly

In case you haven't noticed, kiddies, we're in an even year. Cry!

Utopia! Up, down, up, down ... it's making me, dizzy (ahem). In the interest of Tim's 2002 season (and our wallets), the Big 'Bird settles into a nice intermediate pace ... say, 5th place from now until forever.

1. What's a pitcher-perfect season?

Reality bites: The Commish will be enjoying a free pitcher of beer after the season, courtesy new meat Wayne. You've heard by now about Wayne's humble prediction: "Third or better, guaranteed." He backed up his boast to the Commish by wagering a pitcher of suds.

Utopia! Newcastle is sounding yummy to my tummy.

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