"There are things known, and things unknown. In between are the mock drafts."
Jim Morrison said that. OK, actually he said that "in between were 'the doors.'" But he was jacked up on hallucinogenic mushrooms mixed with monkey sperm at the time, so he didn't know what the *$%@ he was saying. We know what he really meant.
Mock drafts are tantalizing because, as Jimbo said, we know some things -- like who will go in the top four or five picks -- yet some things remain maddeningly unknown: what order they'll go in. We also know that whomever Bubba drafts will be a bigger bust than Jasmin St. Claire's chest, and that no matter what jabronie Steve "Lucky No. 7" Hodges takes will somehow end up having a career year. We also know that Ron "Big Sexy" Batcho will end up dissatisfied with his pick, usually about five seconds before he actually makes it.
On the other hand, we don't know whom expansion owner Wayne McPeters will pick, nor even what his team will be named (our guess: "Ram Pumpers"). Ditto for Kevin & his Ringers, who always manage to baffle everyone from Mel Kiper to draft groupie Amanda.
With that in mind, here's our humble opinion of how this year's first round will go:
1. The Thunder Buzzards are coming off their worst-ever season. This bodes not well for the rest of the league; the last time the Domineer of Dominance finished in the bottom third, he turned around and won the league the next year. Old favorite Brett Favre ain't what he used to be, and Terry Allen is making cabinets for Randall Cunningham somewhere, so El Diablo goes with Rams running back Marshall Faulk.
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| "Oh man, did you hear what happened to Kurt? That was awesome!" |
3. The Blowpop Lighters had a tough inaugural campaign, despite having the cutest mascot ever. After watching the Wolfpack in action last year, owner Toddy McGee knows that the secret to success is an overwhelming passing attack directed by an offensive mastermind on the sideline. If you thought Chow-Robinson was a lethal combination, wait till you see Holmgren-Robinson. Lighters take Seahawks wide receiver Koren Robinson.
4. The Meteorologists have moved more than any other TFFL franchise. Not even Al Davis has been this transitory: the W-Men played their inaugural season in North Raleigh's Kiwanis Park, and played half of season two there. But after Hodges' Murder, Inc., started sharing the stadium in season two, it was obvious the facility couldn't support both franchises (this wasn't exactly the Meadowlands we're talking about). Both clubs then played in the indoor soccer dome across from Fred's Beds off Western Blvd. for two and a half years. Both elected not to renew their lease last year, with Hodges opting to poach Ringer's fan base in Cary, while Bubba moved to virgin territory (well, in the TFFL sense anyway) in sunny South Florida. Now he's moving the team back to North Carolina, most likely in a new stadium in the W-Men's old North Raleigh haunts. Despite all the moving off the field, the Meteorologists have had little movement in the standings, staying solidly in the middle of the pack every year. Hoping to relieve the glorious season his team captured the coveted Tech Bowl Title, Bubba uses his first pick on Rams quarterback Kurt Warner.
5. Just four picks into the draft, Acme, Inc., is already bored with the whole process. Bill0 is more concerned with finding the Yankees game on TV than making a pick, so he opts for the cruise control of Auto Commish. Knowing Bill's affinity for high-scoring Giants, Kinger obliges by selecting Barry Bonds for the Wiley One.
6. Before Big Kev can make his first mistake of the afternoon, a trade is announced. Kenny Rogers sends the rights for Edgerrin James to the Commish for a custom-made, two-story doghouse complete with climate control and ISDN line. Talk about your self-fulfilling prophecies ... Undeterred, Kevin's Ringers forge ahead with another classic first-rounder. Big Kev wants a proven winner at quarterback, so he goes with world champion and new Seahawk Trent Dilfer.
7. Murder, Inc., taking the advice of such great draftnics as Jackson Dunn, B.B. Harrell and the immortal Matt Pitzer, selects Rams backup quarterback Joe Germaine. Everyone laughs hysterically.
8. Bottlecaps owner Ron Batcho makes two huge announcements: 1. From now on, he wants to be known only as "Pooty Tang" or "The owner formerly known as Ron Batcho." Secondly, he hates his first-round selection of (drum roll please) ... Colts wide receiver Marvin Harrison. Batcho, err, I mean "Pooty," using only a blender and a crowbar, promptly destroys Steve's canary collection in a fit of rage.
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| "Let me tell you about our ram-pumping insurance." |
10. The Ram Pumpers, knowing defense wins championships, are pretty upset about the Dre' Bly trade. Wayne decides to wait until round two to pick up the Raiders defense though, and instead goes with the best QB he ever saw: former UNC signal caller and current free agent (not to mention used insurance salesman) Chris Keldorf.