| ��� | No. 1 Jayhawks 1117 points 11-2 record |
| No. 4 Bottlerockets 793 points 6-7 record | ��� |
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THE COMMISH'S SEASON V DOWNRIGHT DIRTY SEMIFINALS PREVIEW PLUS OBITS
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Locale: The Nest (where the 'Hawks never lay an egg)
Head-2-head: The 'Hawks won a Week 7 meeting at the Nest, 80-70. After the game, Batcho demoted QB Chris Chandler to third string. Six weeks later, Chandler's real team -- the Falcons -- followed suit. Ron's response: "I told you so!"
Postseason history: These two are like the Knicks and Heat -- every year, they meet. The 'Hawks won Round One battles in Seasons II (48-32) and IV (77-50), but the 'Rocks own the ultimate prize -- a Season III Tech Bowl win, 73-50.
The line: 'Hawks by 23 1/2.
Player edge to: Jay. Sure, Kurt Warner played like a Food Lion stock boy last week, but we'll still take him over Shaun King or Charlie Batch. Maybe not Aaron Brooks though (441 yards?!?) ... Contrary to last week's report, "Everyone needs a Wycheck." ... Wait a sec, now that Matt Stover and the Ravens 'D' are back, the 'Rocks are looking pretty damn good! I'm changing my vote to slightly Jay.
Coaching edge to: Push. There's only one thing to say to Warner after last week's goose egg: "Get the damn ball to Randy Moss." ... Batcho has drawn up a winning plan, too: START BROOKS ... Ron is the only one who even comes close to GM Jay in "stupid move of the year," with the Week 3 release of Jeff Garcia (third in points) placing runner-up to the Week 1 trade of Daunte Culpepper (second in points) for Cade McClown.
Intangibles: Batcho. In even seasons (II, IV), the 'Hawks win playoff matchups with the 'Rocks. In odd seasons (III), Ron wins. (Yeah I know, that's lame ... it's called writer's block.)
Prediction: In the pregame warmups, Batcho gets "the bird" from thousands of 'Hawks fans after attaching a bottlerocket to a toy Jayhawk and blowing the stuffing out of it. Thrilled at the response, he tries it again -- this time with disastrous results. Benchwarmer Carl Pickens ends up in six different pieces, leading the crowd to chant "Ripe for the Pickens" and "Do Faulk next!" Ron blows it off as a "pregame sacrifice" and orders his troops to scarf down a Piece o' Pickens. "Carl cannibalism," the coach calls it ... The game is a doozie, coming down to the last play. Time expires as the 'Rocks try to make something happen on a kick return -- Wycheck laterals to Kevin Dyson, who gets flagged by the refs because he's not even on a TFFL roster anymore. But the game can't end on a penalty, so on the re-kick, Faulk gets the ball and streaks down the sidelines ... only to tumble down at the 1-yard line with a torn ACL.
What's next for the victor: Winner of No. 7 Weathermen and No. 3 Carolina Killers.
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Locale: The Carolina Killing Floor (Where "knifing through the defense" takes on a whole new meaning)
Head-2-head: After the Killers romped 70-34 in Week 4, Bubba exacted some revenge with a Week 9 kiss-your-sister (or ex-roommate) tie, 62-62.
Postseason history: It's somewhat of a surprise, but these two members of the "Original 4" have never met in the playoffs. Both have one Tech Bowl title each.
The line: Killers by 3 1/2.
Player edge to: Killer. I didn't feel like doing much research here, so I'm using backup kickers as the tie-breaker. And since Bubba don't have one ...
Coaching edge to: Killer. If for no other reason, see Insult No. 1 below, under "Intangibles." And since we're bringing draft results into this, anyone heard from overall pick No. 5 lately? Oh yeah, that was him on the sidelines in street clothes watching Jayhawk Mike Anderson roll up 37 points Sunday.
Intangibles: Killer. Can you say bulletin board material? Bubba whipped out the serving spoon and piled up a plate full of motivation with a nasty e-mail that included the following insults: (highlight here for bulletin board fodder)
(end highlighting) ... Now, it's not just Steve who's upset here. Take a look at Insult No. 1. This has several ex-Killers who own Tech Bowl rings from Season II angry as well. Brett Favre, Marshall Faulk, Ricky Watters, and even current Whithermen Corey Dillon and Antonio Freeman are planning a visit to the Baysden residence to remove a couple of vertabrae from the chief meteorologist, decreasing his already "vertically challenged" frame to a meager 4-foot-2.
Prediction: The Killers ensure a sad Christmas for mother Mona, who will get no gift from her only child (see subnote 1). To make matters worse for mother dearest, Steve bitch-slaps Bubba back into the womb with a vicious backhand that looks as painful as the Arizona Cardinals trying to stop Fred Taylor.
What's next for the victor: Winner of No. 1 Jayhawks and No. 4 Bottlerockets.
Subnotes: 1 -- "Mom was most definitely rooting for the Meteorologists. She likes Brian, but he ain't buying her no Christmas presents. And neither will I if I don't pull out this Tech Bowl Title ..."
Commish's Round One picks: 3-1
Versus the spread: 1-3
These teams saw their Tech Bowl title hopes die in Round One:
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No. 5 Berserkers: 41-30 loss was one of the ugliest games in TFFL playoff history. Fittingly, Edgerrin James (pictured at left), one of the ugliest players in TFFL history, put up a big fat zero for the week.
No. 6 Wile E. Coyotes: After the first half (1 p.m. games) of their battle with the Killers, the 'Yotes fans that had made the trek from the Desert to the Killing Floor were screaming "We like our upsets well-Dunn ... Warrick Dunn!" The second half was a different story, as the CKs responded to the uprising with a "Wrong Said Fred -- Taylor, that is." Sporting a bracelet with the letters "WWWDD" (What Would Warrick Dunn Do), Taylor matched Dunn's 23 point-effort to carry Carolina.
No. 8 Jellypop Fighters: Phew! Somebody needed to change their diaper after finding themselves on the wrong end of an 84-30 stinker.
