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THE COMMISH FROM SEASON V: JELLYPOPS OR COLLARDS?
Never before has TFFL had a 100 percent return rate from its owners. We thought we'd make history in 2000, but the Collard Greens ruined everything with a stunning decision to call it a career.
We've already ushered in old-school Technicianite Todd McGee as a replacement, but the question begs: Is the league better off with the two-headed Green monster of Matt Lail and Kevin Brewer, or with another new guy?
So excuse the obvious Nick Bakay column-style rip-off and do the math.
Subject: Cold, hard cash
McGee: Anyone who is new to fantasy football is as sure to lose lots of money as Terry Glenn is sure to break a nail and miss five games.
Collards: They won Season III and ruined Christmas for the rest of the league.
Advantage: McGee. Duh!
Subject: Team mascot/logo
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McGee: The proud papa has little Ellis Henry. Yeah this is football and all, but how can you say anything other than "Awwwwwwwwwww!" when you see that mug?
Collards: A rip-off of the Jets' green ball. Phew!
Advantage: McGee. Points for originality, plus the cuteness factor goes a long way. I'm willing to bet the Jellypappy had much more fun making his mascot too.
Subject: Torry Holt
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McGee: The Fighters have proclaimed No. 88 won't go any lower than pick No. 11. That means if you want Torry, you're going to have to spend a first-round pick on him.
Collards: Let's face it, Brewer called the shots for the Collards. And since Torry's not a felon or Doug Flutie, he'd rate low on the Greens' draft board.
Advantage: Collards. Everyone was thinking one thing for their third-round pick: HOLT. Damn you, Todd!
Subject: The T-Bird factor
McGee: Uh oh. Timmy and Toddy were getting in trouble together at Technician in the early to mid-1980s while the rest of us were in grade school. This sounds like trouble to me. Toward the end of the season, as the Jellypoppers toil in the cellar, The Great One will whip out a trade proposal to the effect of "You trade me (fill in best player here) or I'll tell the rest of the league about that time you (misspelled your own name in a byline/interviewed the chancellor while intoxicated/found out that girl you were dating was a guy)."
Collards: Even if you had some dirt on Lail, you'd never use it, 'cause Matt's too nice a guy. Anything you've got on Brewer probably isn't very interesting anyway.
Advantage: Collards. T-Buzzard does well enough on his own, he don't need no farm system.
Argh! It's a push! Nice late rally by the Collards, but there's no storybook ending here folks. A Reggie Whitish coming out of retirement party doesn't seem likely for the Greens, even though they could hook up with Hodges in a three-way (!) and call it the Killer Collards. My guess is the Fighters will be of favorable opinion after they beat the pants off the Weatherwomen in Week 1, but popular sentiment will sway after their nifty free agent steal of future stud/Browns starting back Rahshon Spikes. If I were Todd, I'd play it safe: Do the right rookie thing and finish near the bottom. It's the popular thing to do.
