BUBBA BAYSDEN'S SEASON V MOCKERY DRAFT
1. Kevin's Ringers: Is this guy still alive? People say I don't pay attention for a whole year. At least I play the first four weeks and the last four. Kev's like Christmas and sex among married folk - he only comes by once a year. Speaking of marriage, Kev would be wise to bring his special advisor/wife to the draft -- her Steve Young selection
a couple years back (even though she actually thought she was picking John Elway) was the best pick in Ringers history. According to TFFL records, Kev has never picked a running back with his No. 1 selection. He's gone Super Bowl-level QB twice (Drew Bledsoe and the aforementioned Forever "Retired" Young), and receiver once. The receiver pick last year (Antonio Freeman) was the worst of the bunch (let's face it, this team lost more in the 90s than the Bengals), so our guess is he'll go after another Super Bowl QB.
Pick: Trent Green, QB, St. Louis Rams
2. Acme Inc.: What a difference a year makes! The Wiley one did manage to improve his draft position considerably this season, thanks to a team full of jabronies so hapless they couldn't escape his namesake with a pair of rocket skates and a can of dingo repellant. BillO's receiving corpse was a real liability last year (it was worse than Bubba's, and that, my friends, is dawg-ugly bad), so he's looking for power there this season. Having already heard that the Blowpops have their eye on his favorite receiver, BillO knows he's gotta go Ram early and often, and makes another St. Louisian his top choice.
Pick: Torry Holt, WR, St. Louis Rams
3. Swamp Thang: Richlands' second most famous native son got messed up last year when Hodges grabbed the guy he wanted one spot earlier. This leads to a question: If you were planning on picking somebody Steve wanted, wasn't your draft strategy pretty freaking flawed anyway? Luckily for homer Swampy, the 'Skins and the Panthers are both good this season, meaning he can't go wrong. Or can he? Unfortunately, another team loyalty skews his thinking again this year. Blame it on Brian's undying devotion to Coach K. Too bad he doesn't produce football players like he does basketball pros.
Pick: Scottie Montgomery, WR, Carolina Panthers
4. Kenny Rogers: Rumor has it Dave has an affinity for another Panther. Stunning Steve Beuerlein's numbers have seduced this Gambler faster than strip poker with Dolly Parton. Hey, you're saying to yourself, that's a legitimate pick. I say to you: Wait till the end of the year. The Diceman cometh up short again.
Pick: Steve Beuerlein, QB, Carolina Panthers
5. Weathermen: Now we get to the interesting part of the draft. By that, of course, we mean the part that deals with me. After a championship season in 1999, the Weathermen have elected to relocate to reap maximum profits from our winning ways. Our Miami stadium deal was twice as good as the relocation deal Thunder Buzzard got, and let's not even go into the Jayhawks' ramblins. Neither the Clayton nor Gastonia fields (definitely not stadiums) even have indoor plumbing for gosh sakes (Honestly, Jay moves around more than Al Davis). A new stadium means new revenue, which also means the Meteorologists can afford a true franchise player -- in this case a young back who has plenty of gas left in the tank. Since no other RBs have been picked yet, we get the pick
of the litter. Looks like I'll have another Tech Bowl championship ring after this year.
Pick: Ricky Williams, RB, New Orleans Saints
6. Bottle Caps: Leery of drafting a QB in the first round, lest he get injured and (horror of all horrors) Roncho be forced to pick up an even better QB in free agency, the Soda Topper goes for a player that will never get injured (although deportation is likely).
Pick: Sebastian Janikowski, K, Oakland Raiders
7. Gayhawks: Who cares who he picks? He'll have him traded before
the second round is over. My guess is that his love affair with Joey Galloway is finally over after last year's debacle and subsequent trade. But receiver still ways heavily on Jay's mind, and he loves 'Hawks, homosexual or otherwise. Since he's undoubtedly got his eye on a project QB later in the draft -- that Kitna character I imagine -- Kinger goes
for the lesbian seagull combo.
Pick: Mike Pritchard, WR, Seattle Seahawks
8. Hodge-kin's Disease: How did a guy who never knows who he's gonna pick end up near the top again? Well, even a blind squirrel (Steve) finds a nut (Peyton Manning) sometimes. Hodges wants Manning super bad, but when he can't get any of the top three to trade him their pick, he has to go in another direction. Even though Manning is available here, Steve is so flabbergasted that the Colts QB wasn't taken earlier that he figures there must be SOMETHING wrong with him. Hodges sticks with his pre-draft plan and goes for another second-year QB guaranteed to produce the same results as Peyton did last year.
Pick: Ki-Jana Carter, RB, Cincinnati Bengals (Wait, you say, Ki-Jana's a scab running back, not a second-year QB poised for a breakthrough year. You know that. I know that. But does Steve know that � ?)
9. Thunder Buzzard: Die die die!!! Oh, sorry, lost my composure for a minute there. All better now. The Thunder Buzzard is back after becoming the first TFFL team to win the overall title twice. But don't worry, there are ways to deal with success like this. Under new rules enacted to sponsor "competitiveness," the Commish is authorized to pick for Tim, who is bound and gagged and stuffed in the corner with nothing but a Pug Beanie Baby (no, we're not talking about that flaky guy from Gastonia) to keep him company.
Pick (Via Commish): Jose Laureano, QB, Florida Penal League Team #8675309
10. Blowpop Lighters: Well, well, well, one thing we can say about the Blowpops already: They suck. Get it? Blowpop? Suck? My genius is wasted on you people ... However, they do have a cute mascot and an NCSU degree to their name, so we'll cut 'em some slack. Still, the 'Pops are a first-year franchise (replacing the now-defunct Brussels Sprouts, may they rest in peace in lunch lady land), and those guys never do well. Dismayed that Torry Holt is already gone, 'Pops decide to go with another well-known ACC receiver who's guaranteed to be a star.
Pick: Dez White, WR, Chicago Bears
Dennis Miller he's not, folks. But you can read the comedic stylings of Bubba Baysden all year on TFFL 2000. Wait, you're right. But at least he wrote one column for us! E-mail Bubba at [email protected].