The Commish's Season IV Q & A
Holiday greetings from the Commissioner's Office! This week the Commish warms up for the playoffs by answering some of the league's most burning on- and off-the-field questions.
Question: Commish, my skin turning a neon-shade of yellow. What's the problem and is there a remedy? -- Green MachineThe Commish: Sounds like your suffering from Gunther Cunningham Spectacles Syndrome. It's a rare disease that strikes teams that have lineups devoid of Chiefs. I suggest grabbing a Chief or two -- say, Elvis Grbac or Andre Rison -- and inserting them into your starting rotation. That should turn your skin into a nice bright shade of red that perfectly reflects the holidays and the embarrassment you'll feel at having a starting QB of Elvis' caliber.
Q: Commish, a couple of weeks ago I received an e-mail from another owner saying he was coming after my spot in the standings. Since then, my kicker has practically outscored his entire team. I'd like to talk some trash, but I'm just not well-versed in today's jive. Is there some sort of proper etiquette I should use here? -- Turkey-Bird2
TC: First off, let me say I'm shocked, just shocked, at the audacity of this e-mail. Trash talk, obscene gestures and the trading of beaver pelts are strictly off-limits! We at the commissioner's office just interrogated every league owner and no one would admit their guilt! Let me just say, I won't rest until the killer, er, guilty party is found. As for a response, I think maybe you should leave this one be. I mean, not that I would know first-hand, but I'm sure this owner's embarrassingly low score has been punishment enough!
Q: Commish, I'm looking into getting a new personalized license plate for my car. Any suggestions? -- News Ed
TC: I think "4THPLACE" would look real sharp.
Q: Commish, I got suckered into joining this league and now I'm hovering just above the league cellar! Is there any way for me to win anything? -- ACME Enterprises
TC: Great question, ACME. Of course, you can always win money on a weekly basis by outscoring the other teams. Just maybe if you have a little State red in you, you can win the Tech Bowl (worth 20 percent of the pot). The top 8 teams at the end of the regular season (which runs through Week 13) are playoff bound!
Q: Don't ever order anything from the ACME toy company! I sent off for a QB at draft time and the one I got broke right after I started playing with it! -- Bottled rage
TC: I just spoke with an ACME representative and she says they replaced your busted Testicleverde with a perfectly good Warner Bros. game. I'd take that deal anyday! If you're listening ACME, I think my Johnson is broken!
Q: Boxers or briefs? -- C. Kissers
TC: Both on really cold days. I prefer a thong on hot ones.
Well folks, that just about empties the mail bag, except for a couple of letters addressed to some guy named Fantasanta. I'm not sure who he is, but NO, Mr. Kenny Rogers, I will not be delivering a running back to your home on Christmas Eve. And didn't you already receive the gift of Jeff George, Scoreless in Swampattle?
Tune in next week for a playoff preview!