The Commish's Season IV WHAT-TO-DO-WHEN-YOUR-TEAM-SUCKS TIPS
Halfway into my one-week vacation, constant rain has left me with nothing but time to ponder my current predicament:
My fantasy football team sucks!
Unless your team is loaded with Redskins or Colts, you're in the same boat as me. Stephen Davis, 58 points better than Terrell Davis? Marvin Harrison, 4 points better than the combined output of the first 6 receivers (Moss, Freeman, Keyshawn, Owens, Carter, Moulds) taken in the draft? It's enough to make an owner break his car's steering wheel (careful, Batcho!).
But, brooding will do me no good, and I can't get anyone to trade me a quarterback, so here's five things to help you alleviate the my-fantasy-football-team-sucks blues:
5. Aggravate the commissioner by making as many transactions as possible.
This is an old trick I used to play on T-Bird2, back in Season I. There was no email or website back then, but he'd still have to type it in on his little sheet, so I'd walk into his office, pick up LeShon Johnson or somebody, then go back in two hours later and drop Johnson for Michael Timpson. The Great One never complained though, because he knew he was going to take all our money at the end of the season, plus he knew he could always trade crap for anyone I ever picked up that was good (see Anthony Miller for Antonio Freeman).
4. Threaten to quit. Repeat threat many times.
Made popular by the Weathermen in Season II, this trend is making a comeback! Just pick something and make an issue of it. Don't like the tight end? Your first-round pick is out for the year? Artificial turf got you down? You know the drill.
3. Rewrite your favorite rock classics to mirror your football season.
"Gimme Back My Billick" (for anyone with Vikings), "Once, Twice, Three Times the Touchdown" (for owners of Stephen Davis & Marvin Harrison), "Rocky Mountain High School Teams Could Beat Us," (Bronco owners), "I'm Too Sucky" (Wrong Said Fred Taylor).
2. Cast your fantasy bums in porn flicks.
"Six Is All I've Got" (Terrell Davis on his point production), "How to Go Down Proper" (starring Vinny & Jamal), "Cumcussion" (Hello, Steve Young), "Dropping the Deep Ball" (featuring Darnay Scott), "Getting the Shaft" (with Bubby Brister), "Can't Seem to Score" (Jerome Bettis, Ricky Watters).
1. Dream of next season.
If you've got the money, tank this year! You'll have the first pick of 2000, where you'll have the pleasure of saying ... Stephen Davis ...