Baysden's Season IV TWO WEEKS IN REVIEW
It's always risky to make assumptions after the first two weeks of the season, since it seems like that’s when the weirdest things happen. Troy Aikman, Kurt "Pop" Warner and Richard Huntley look like fantasy studs now, but may be wastes of quarters by the end of the season. It's impossible to tell, and that’s the maddening part about being an owner.
However, there do appear to be a few trends emerging, so I’ll go out on a limb and make a few fearless observations about the young season. Here they are, categorized for her pleasure (and your protection):
TALENT, OR LACK THEREBaysden’s receivers have caught fewer touchdowns than an option-based middle school offense. Of the approximately 25 receivers drafted by the Meteorologists, only two have caught touchdowns: Albert Connell, who is on IR, and Kevin Johnson, who Bubba released before Week 1. This air attack looks eerily familiar to the one at Duke right now ...
QUESTION OF THE WEEKWhat kills an offense faster, artificial turf or Ray Sherman?
MATH, BAYSDEN STYLETake my No. 1 pick -– please! Here's the stats from the top picks in the draft through the first two weeks:
1. Terrell Davis: 1 crappy O-line + 1 rookie QB = 1 TD and about 4 yards rushing.
2. Fred Taylor: 1 gimpy ankle + 1 worried Tom Coughlin = 0 touchdowns and a wonderful life for the resurgent Jimmy Stewart.
3. Randy Moss: Swing pass + handoff + pass interference = bust.
4. Brett Favre: Bad thumb + dome = 1 sad Bubba.
5. Jamal Anderson: Holdout + turf = Grounded Dirty Bird.
6. Randall Cunningham: See previous equation on Randy Moss.
7. Vinny Testaverde: 1 bad knee + 1 lost season = 1 scared steering wheel.
"I got a boo boo" or "Put some 'Tusen on it and get your ass back out there." (If that doesn’t make sense to you, you haven’t seen Chris Rock’s latest HBO special). ...
Jayhawk quarterbacks should have a "Fragile: Handle with care" patch sewn onto their jerseys. ...
When a player from most teams gets injured, it’s a regrettable -- but completely normal -- occurance. When a player from the Bottlerockets gets injured, it's part of a global, X-Files-esque conspiracy designed to prevent Ron Batcho from assuming his rightful place at the top of the TFFL standings. This all-powerful cabal includes fellow TFFL owners, the military, spy organizations from around the world, aliens and, of course, the U.S. government. ...
Hey buddy, can you spare a receiver? Maybe the reason Baysden’s receivers suck is because all the good ones are on Kevin’s Ringers. Big Kev has Antonio Freeman, Jerry Rice, Michael Irvin, Terrell Owens and Herman Moore. Sheesh man, can you help a brother out ...
Note to Peyton: Stop throwing the damn ball to Marvin! Remember, the grass is always Greener with the other receiver -- Can you say E.G.? ...
He’s picked up more guys than Devine Brown
Batcho has gone quarter crazy, picking up seven guys by Week 3.
"Sorry Mom, all you get for Christmas this year is love."
Following the tradition set by Bubba, fellow Richlands-ite Brian is already the biggest money-loser to date. If this keeps up, he won’t even have enough to get wrapping paper, let alone a bow. Been there. Done that.
Send a thank you card to D. Snyder
Norv Turner’s lack of job security is the best thing to happen to the Thunder Buzzards since Ace had the No. 1 pick in the draft. Suddenly, Stephen Davis and Michael Westbrook are beating defenses, instead of each other. Personally, I always liked the status quo.
Good advice, bad advice
Baysden to Jay: Start McNair in Week 1. Result: 4 TDs and a happy 'Hawk.
Baysden to Batcho: James Stewart won’t touch the ball this year. Result: Stewy's trapped on Rockets' IR while scoring like the high school QB on prom night. All part of the conspiracy ... HA HA HA HA!
Expanding the win column
The Browns should have hired Bill Overton instead of Chris Palmer. The Brownies (0-2) are getting eaten up by the rest of the NFL while the Acme wonders are undefeated at 2-0.
Don’t be afraid of the weather, be afraid of the Weathermen
Hurricane Floyd cancelled sporting events all over the East Coast, but it couldn’t stop the TFFL. Word has it the Gamblers and the Weathermen were talking trade the night of the storm. Even though no trade was made, it shows that not even a natural disaster gets in the way of league business. You gotta have your priorities. After all, there’ll be other hurricanes. But good trades don’t come around that often.