Kevin Brewer's Season III PLAYOFF PREVIEW
It's that time of year again. It's the TFFL playoffs, a tradition almost as storied as the Poulan Weedeater Bowl. The regular season is worth more money, but the playoffs are televised. If you're scoring at home, the first round will be carried by BET; the semifinals by Animal Planet; and the Tech Bowl will be seen on the Cartoon Network -- unless "Hong Kong Phooey" is on. Then it will move to A&E.
Let's get right to the first-round matchups:
This is not your usual 1 vs. 8 matchup. The Killers tied the best week in league history last week with 102 points -- but they may have used all their gas just getting a playoff berth. By the way, the Gamblers didn't make the playoffs after the Jayhawks front office drafted their team for them. "Thanks, Jayhawks." Sources close to the commissioner say there won't be a league investigation.
Note: The commissioner's office is also run out of the Jayhawks front office. The Gamblers are still in contention for the regular season crown, just 276 points off the pace.
The 'Hawks won the season series 2-0 with 25- and 19-point victories. If your betting on this one -- while that is not encouraged -- this may be the surest bet of the week. The 'Hawks are 23-point favorites, and the Killers haven't covered on the road after a home loss at night all year.
This week's marquee matchup. Throw out the Bowl Coalition Series and the strength of schedule rankings in this one. Wake the kids, phone the neighbors, then take the phone off the hook. This will be a dandy.
The Greens are No. 1 in points; the Beserkers are fourth. The Greens swept the regular-season series with 13- and 43-point victories. And the Berserkers closed out the regular season with a 29-point, six-zero performance. At the press conference, general manager Kevin Ring called it "the most embarrassing performance since Rocket Ismail's Burger King commercials."
On the other side, the Greens are playing their best fantasy football of the season. And Randy Moss calls Flutie Flakes "a balanced part of a healthy breakfast."
Take the Greens and give the 35 points. Terrell Davis is good for that many.
Key matchup: Former teammates (Bottlerockets QB) Brett Favre vs. (Bird QB) Mark Brunell. Both played for the Packers -- I'm not sure if they have been on the same TFFL team. The Rockets won the only meeting between the teams by 16 points.
Jerry Rice has complained about not getting the ball of late. And Birdman Tim Ellington has complained about Rice not getting the ball of late. While he is T-Bird's best wideout, he may be the third-best on the 49ers.
The Rockets are favored by 12. They will win, but they won't cover. T-Bird2 is one hell of a road team, mostly because their home fans hate them since the price of a 12-ounce Coke was raised the $12. But that comes with a free rubber chicken. Take the poultry and the 12 points.
Oh, BABY! All of Rich-LANDS will be watching this one. All 10 of them, but then again, that's counting the two owners. This one is being billed as the Civil War of the TFFL playoffs. The Weathermen won their Week 2 meeting by 23 points, but the Swampers have been one hot second-half team.
There are plenty of sub-plots here. The Swampers have home-field advantage, but the two teams share Swamp Marsh Stadium in downtown Richlands. So Hominy will get to choose which side of the field it will defend. The inside word is they like to defend the end with the quicksand pit. That will leave the Weathermen stumbling over the graveyard at the East end most of the day.
The Weathermen, don't forget, are also playing simply to extend the franchise's existence. Owner Bubba Baysden, the wealthy propane tycoon, didn't receive the funding for his new downtown stadium. So he's quitting. No firesale. No goodbye party. No exciting last episode. Bubba pouring propane over Weathermen headquarters and ... poof!
This one is too close to call. The Swampers are favored by 4. I say don't bet on it. Note to compulsive gamblers: This is the last game of the week. If you have lost money on the first three games, take everything you have left and put it on this one. Flip a coin: heads, Swampers; tails, W-men. But the coin flip should be best out of seven flips. Also, bet any money your spouse or kids have saved up, because this is your last chance to prove you know anything. You're going to get thrown out of the house if you lose anyway.
DID YOU KNOW? The league average's record was 7-6. So the 7-6 Weathermen were an average team. Four teams were better than average, four teams were below. That seems very symmetrical and even and beautiful. I would like to say something like "if this season was played 100 times, the same results would take place 100 times." But I'm no mathematician. And games aren't decided on paper, except for fantasy games. They are decided inside TV sets.
The league average's total points was 689. That would put the league average sixth out of 10 teams in total points, which would be definitely below average. That would make the W-men above average. Average's best week was Week 13 with 74 points.
The best week of the regular season was the Killers' 102 in Week 13. In fact, the next three best weeks (99, 97, 95) were all last week by the Greens, the 'Hawks and the Rocket men.
The worst week of the season was the Collard Greens' 16 in Week 7. The Greens 835 total gives them a weekly average of 64.2. The last-place Gamblers averaged a 43.0.