NSYNC Testicular Exams
By: Jen
I dressed up as a doctor and snuck backstage at an NSYNC concert. Hehehehehe...
First is Joey.
Jen: Hey Joey, can I talk to you?
Joey: Hey baby whassup?
Jen: Your girlfriend Kelly called me. She said when you two were goin' at it last night she felt a lump in your testicle. I need to make sure it's not cancerous.
Joey: Oh my God! Are you serious??
I snap on a glove
Jen: Yup. Follow me.
We walk into a dressing room
Jen: Drop your pants and spread 'em.
Joey: Spread what? My pants?
Jen: Your legs dumbass!
Joey: Oh, K!
We emerge 10 minutes later. Joey is limping, but smiling.
Jen: Ok, where's Justin?
Joey: Yo, don't I get your number or something?
Jen: Hello! You're a FATHER!
Joey: Oh. Right. K!
Jen: Now, off to violate--I mean diagnose Justin.
I find Justin sitting on the floor, meditating.
Jen: I don't wanna know.
Justin: Bitch! I be medi-medi- you know what I mean!
Jen: Justin, Britney called me last night. She said she felt some sort of lump in your testicle. I need to check it out.
Justin: Oh mah Eminem! I knew shavin' mah fro would cause a problem.
Jen: Ugh!
Justin: Aight, hurry yo ass up though. I needs to finish med-medi-
Jen: MEDITATING!!
Justin: Yeah!
I lead Justin into a dressing room. He screamed like a little girl.. I guess I squeezed too hard.
Jen: Alrighty, Now JC.
I start searching for JC. I find him in a corner. I catch a glimpse of some sort of glass tube.
Jen: What the hell are you doing??
JC drops the "tube" and it shatters
JC: NOTHING!!! Who the hell are you??
Jen: Bobbi/Bobbie/Bobbee called me. She said she found a lump in one of your testicles. I need to check it out.
JC: You have proof?
Jen: Huh?
JC: Can I see your license?
Jen: I left it at home.
JC: You ain't touchin' my balls then.
Jen: FINE!! I hope you get cancer and can't have kids! ASS!!
JC: *blank stare*
Jen: SCREW YOU!
I start looking for Lance. I find him in his dressing room singing "Girl were you alone?" into a mirror over and over again.
Jen: Hey hotcakes!
Lance: Eeeeeeeeeeeee!
Jen: WTF?!
Lance: You scared me.
Jen: SO sorry. Anyways, your bandmates could have cancerous testicles. So that means you're at risk too. I need to feel for any suspicious lumps.
Lance: Cancer isn't contagious.
Jen: So? What if you have ball tumors? If I don't check now, your nuts could turn into one big tumor.
Lance: Oh wow. I never thought of that..
Jen: Damn right. Now drop your pants.
Lance: I'm not wearing any pants.
Jen: Oh, whoa. Um, ok.
Lance cries. I turned him into a man.
Jen: Alright. Now Chris.
I find Chris standing in front of a wall, staring at it.
Jen: What are you doing?
Chris: JC told me if I watched this wall for long enough, it would turn different colors.
Jen: JC is a crack addict.
Chris: Oh yeah.
Jen: Anyways, Dani called me. She said--
Chris falls to the ground in a fit of sobs.
Jen: Oh yeah, you two broke up..
He lets out a high pitched wail.
Jen: Oh well, I've fondled enough testicles to last me a lifetime. PAYCE!
