NSYNC in the Army
By: Jen
The guys are sitting on a bus on their way to become military men.
Joey: Yo, man, I'm hungry.
JC: MUST you ALWAYS say that?
Joey: You know, I could eat YOU if I wanted to.
Lance lets out a shrill scream.
Joey: Chill, man, I'm just kidding.
Justin: Yo, if I get mah new Timbs dirty, I'ma bust someone in they ass!
The bus lurches to a stop, and the guys are kicked off. They stand in the middle of a small grassy field. A row of small shacks are visible.
Chris: Ok, so where's the instructor?
Jen comes walking up in army attire, a whistle around her neck, a clipboard in her hand, and a mean look in her eyes.
JC: Aw, HELL NO.
Jen: Aw HELL YES baby. I'M in charge now. You better believe it.
Joey: All right...
Jen: SHUT UP!
Justin: Yo, what the hell is this? Dis ain't fair. Didju plan this shit?
Jen: Yes I did, and if you don't shut your mouth, YOU WILL BE PUNISHED.
Justin: Got it.
Jen: Ok, roll call. Stand in a straight line boys, and say "present" when you are called.
Lance: Can't you see that we're all here?
Jen: SHUT YOUR MOUTH!! YOU'RE UNDER MY ROOF NOW BITCH AND YOU WILL ABIDE BY MY RULES!!
Joey: There's no roof out here.
Jen: DROP AND GIVE ME 20!!!
Joey: *shrugs* Ok.
He drops to the ground, reaches into his pocket and pulls out a 20 dollar bill. He hands it to me and stands back up.
Jen: Jesus, you're stupid.
Joey: AM NOT!!
JC: JOEY, yes, you are.
Joey: Oh... ok.
Jen: Now, say present when you're called. Justin?
Justin: Yo.
Jen: WHAT DID I JUST SAY?!
Justin: Ah mean, present...yo.
Jen: Josh?
JC: Can you call me J--
Jen: NO I WILL NOT!! NOW DROP AND GIVE ME 50!!!
JC moans and starts doing his 50 push ups.
Jen: Joey?
Joey: ...
Jen: JOEY?
Joey: ...
Jen: JOEY?!
Joey: Huh?
Jen: PAY ATTENTION YOU BRAIN DEAD BUCKET OF JELLO!!
Joey: Mmmm, Jello. That sounds good. When do we eat?
Jen: Chris?
Chris: Present.
Joey: Hey, I asked you a question.
Jen: Lance?
Lance: Present.
Joey: Uh, Jen, when are we eating?
Jen: Ok, now, all of you, back into a straight line.
They assume position.
Jen: Good job boys.. Now, here are the rules. You will listen to everything I say, and do everything I say. If you don't, there's something in my office called "The Pearlman." I'm sure your little imaginations can figure out what that baby can do.
Lance wets himself.
Jen: Ok, now instruction time. All of you, DROP YOUR PANTS!!!
JC: Is this really necessary?
Jen: JULIE!!!
Julie appears.
Julie: Yeah?
Jen: Take Mr. Sha-zez to my office and stick him in The Pearlman for an hour.
JC: SHHAAAAZZZAAAYYY!!!!!
Julie: An hour Jen? Are you sure? That could kill him!
Jen: Yup. He's a man, he can take it.
JC: IT'S SHAZAY DAMN YOU!!!
Jen: Make it two Julie.
Julie: Got it.
Julie drags JC off, as he's screaming "SHAZAY! SHAZAY! SHAZAY!"
Jen: Back to business. DROP YOUR PANTS!!
Joey takes his pants off, while the rest of them undo their belts and let their pants drop.
Jen: Good job. Joey, in my office now.
Joey: What'd I do?!
Jen: Nothing. I'm not gonna pass up an opportunity like this. You have no pants on. What else am I going to do?
Joey: Oh, got it.
Jen: And while you're in there, take off the rest of your clothes and handcuff yourself to the wall.
Joey: K!
Joey wanders off. I turn back to the rest of the guys.
Jen: Ok, now...spin in circles and sing "I Want It That Way."
Justin: Aw, HELL NO.
Jen: Aw, HELL YES. NOW DO IT BEFORE I SHOVE A HOT LADLE UP YOUR ASS!!
Justin: ...ok
Jen: Get spinnin' boys.
They begin to spin in circles and sing the song. Justin is crying, and Chris is twitching. Strangely enough, Lance seems to be enjoying himself. After about 10 minutes, I start getting sick of hearing the song, so I tell them to stop.
Jen: Ok, you can stop now.
They stop and Justin falls over.
Jen: GET YER ASS UP WHITE BOY!
Justin: But I'm...dizzy...
98* appears.
Nick: I wanna know, who you are, no more admiring you from afar. You walk by and I get weak in the knees. I get next to you and I get dizzy dizzy.
Jen: WTF?!
Nick: The way you look, the way you move. Your body's tellin me that I can't lose. You and me, we weren't meant to be. I get next to you and I get dizzy dizzy.
Jen: Ooo, more hot men to torment. GET IN LINE!!!
98*, scared, gets into line next to the three remaning members of NSYNC.
Jen: DROP YOUR PANTS!!
They begin undoing their belts.
Jen: Except you Justin. You're cool.
Justin: Oh, ok.
Jen: Ok, now, Lance, hop up and down, and...sing "The Call."
Lance: What's with all the Backstreet Boys songs?
Jen: DO WHAT I SAY BOY!!
Lance begins to jump up and down feebly and sing softly.
Jen: I DO NOT LIKE THE WAY YOU DO--
Drew: You've heard this a thousand times before, I'm in love with you. You'll hear it a million more. Baby--
Jen: KNOCK IT OFF!!
Drew: It's the small things that endear me. Every time you are near me. They way you laugh at--
Jen: I WILL BEAT YOU INTO THE GROUND IF YOU DON'T STOP, AND I WILL GIVE IT MY ALL BOY!!
All 4 members of 98*: I'll give you the moon at night. I'll give you the stars to light your eyes--
Jen: JULIE!!!!
Julie: Yeah?
Jen: PUT THESE FOUR WITH JC!!!
Julie: Alrighty.
Nick: Won't throw no shade on you! Don't wanna put you through!
Jen: NOW!!
Julie: Ok, ok.
Julie drags the members of 98* away, as they scream their songs at me.
Jen: Ok boys, I--
Chris and Lance are gone. Justin is still on the ground, throwing up on himself.
Jen: HELL NO!! Justin! Where did your ghetto ass friends go?!
Justin: *urp*
Jen: You're no help.
I begin looking for Lance and JC. I find Lance hiding in a trashcan, and Chris behind a bush. They were put with the other guys in The Pearlman to suffer. Justin disappeared, I don't know where he went.. but Julie disappeared about the same time he did. *shrug* As for Joey, he is chained to my closet, and is fed daily.
