Happy Birthday Joey!
I head on over to Joey's house around 7:00. Our date is for 7:30, but I thought being a little early might look good. When I get to his house, his mom tells me he's sleeping.
Jennifer: He's SLEEPING?!
Mama Fatone: Yes he is honey. Would you like me to wake him up for you deary?
Jennifer: That would be nice, we have a date in half an hour!
Mama Fatone: Ok sweetie. Hold on.
she turns towards the stairs
Mama Fatone: JOSEPH ANTHONY!!!! GET YOUR ASS UP RIGHT NOW!!
She turns back towards me.
Mama Fatone: He should be down any minute.
Jennifer: Oh, um, thanks.
I sit down on the couch. An hour later, Joey comes down, dressed in baggy jeans, a loose Nike T-Shirt, and a backwards hat.
Jennifer: Damn boy, you look tasty.
Joey: Tasty? Food? Where?
Jennifer: Ok, dumbass.
I roll my eyes.
Jennifer: I meant you look good.
Joey: Oh...I know.
He brushes his shirt off and goes into pimp mode.
Jennifer: Knock it off, can we go now?
Joey: You're not impressed by my pimpin'?
Jennifer: Um, no. CAN WE GO NOW?? Our reservations are for 8:30!! We already can't have our time at Sunset point! Uh, I mean...never mind...LET'S GO!!
Joey and I head out to the car and begin our journey to Sizzler. I decided to go to a buffet, considering I know how much that boy can eat.
Joey: OOOOOOOO!!!! SIZZLER!!!!!
Jennifer: Yes Joey, Sizzler. I don't want you taking advantage of the phrase "All You Can Eat." Got it?
Joey: You got it!! I want it!! I'll do whatever it takes!! You got it! I need it!! Your love--
Jennifer: JOEY!!! WTF?!
Joey: I dunno, I never get any solos. I felt the need to have one.
Jennifer: You're a dumbass. Let's go. We're late.
We get inside, and after Joey signs numerous autographs, we get to out table.
Joey: Time to grub!
He rubs his hands together and licks his lips.
Jennifer: Damn boy, as sexy as you look when you do that...no. You're coming with me to get your food.
Joey: K!
We get our plates and head to the pasta.
Joey: Nothin beats mah mama's pasta!! What the hell is this SHIT??
Jennifer: Joey, shh..
Joey: I ain't eatin' this!!
Jennifer: WHAT?? YOU?! Not eat?!
Joey: Uh well, when you put it that way..
He begins to shovel heaps of macaroni onto his plate.
Jennifer: JOEY! That's enough!! Save room for other stuff!!
Joey: Ooo, there's more food here, I forgot.
Jennifer: Yeah, there is, now come on dumbass.
We walk over to the chicken.
Joey: OOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Jennifer: Oh good Lord...
After we hit all the other sections, we finally get back to our table, me with one plate, and Joey juggling 6.
Jennifer: Hey dumbass, there's such a thing called "seconds."
Joey: Yeah, but that would mean I would have to get up.
Jennifer: ...and?... You need to work off them love handles boy.
Joey: More of me to love baby, more of me to love.
Jennifer: Didn't I already tell you that you're NOT A PIMP?
Joey: ...
Jennifer: That's what I thought. Now hurry up and eat your damn food so we can leave.
Joey eats his food...inhale is more the word...and he does end up getting up again, numerous times. I guess Mama Fatone doesn't feed him like I thought. To make a long story short, we get kicked out because Joey took "buffet" too seriously.
Joey: Soooo....now what do we do?
Jennifer: I need a drink...
Joey: YES!!!
Joey and I head to a bar.
Jennifer: I'll take three of the strongest thing you have please.
Joey: Mmm...I want a slow and comfortable screw!!
Jennifer: Later Joey, later.
Joey: Really..?!
I stare at Joey blankly for a minute before shaking my head and turning to my drinks.
Jennifer: Yea, really Joey.
Joey: YES!!!
Joey and I got dead drunk and ended up dancing on top of the bar, only to get kicked out by the bartender.
Joey: Thooooo..now whaddawedo?
Jennifer: Leth's go swimmin!!!!!
Joey: Uh, where?
I think for a minute.
Jennifer: Ooo! Get in the car!!
Joey: K!
We drive out of the city, and out to the Everglades.
Jennifer: Yes!!
Joey: Um, ok.
Jennifer: STRIP BOY!!
Joey: Oo, we gettin kink-ay?
Pause
Jennifer: No, I WANNA GO SKINNY DIPPIN!!!
Joey: Aren't there alligators in the everglades?
Pause.
Jennifer: I dunno.
Joey shrugs.
Joey: Whatever.
Joey and I strip down and jump into the water.
Jennifer: DAMN!! This shit is COLD!!
We splash around gaily like teenagers in love, when we hear that Jaws music. *dun dun...dun dun...dun dun*
Jennifer: What the shit is that..?!
Joey: SHARKS!!!
Jennifer: Dumbass, there aren't any sharks in the Everglades!
Joey: Oh...
Pause.
Joey: AHHHHHH!!!!!!
Jennifer: WHAT THE FUCK?!
Joey: AHHHHHH!!!!
Jennifer: JOEY!! What the hell is wrong with you?!
Joey: SOMETHING JUST SWAM BETWEEN MY LEGS!!!!!
Jennifer: I'm surprised you didn't enjoy that..
Joey: NO!!! It was a ALLIGATOR!! We need to get out of here!!
Jennifer: Um, ok. This is getting boring anyways.
We climb out of the water and begin to put our clothes back on.
Joey: Don't I get any action before we get dressed?
Jennifer: As much as I like you...no. You're dirty. Besides, wasn't the alligator action enough?
Joey: Damn..
Jennifer: Get in the car. I'm taking you home.
Joey and I get in the car and I drive him home.
Joey: Ok baby, good night kiss.
Jennifer: Ew no, get off me.
Joey: But it's my birthday!!
Jennifer: I bought you food!! Present enough!! AND YOU ATE IT ALL!!
Joey: When are we gonna make babies?
Jennifer: JOEY!!! I'm not going to have sex with you!!!
Joey: ...you're not?
Jennifer: NO!! I said that already!
Joey: ...you did?
Jennifer: Get out of my car.
Joey: But--
Jennifer: GET OUT!!!
Joey: Fine, geez...call me baby.
Jennifer: Don't count on it.
Joey pauses.
Joey: okay!!
..And there you have it, after that, I drove home and banged my head into the wall repeatedly. Warning: No matter how fine you think an Nsyncer is, don't go out with them. It will only end up in disaster. Joey isn't even going to get a CARD from me NEXT year.
