The Jacking Of Timberlake Street
By: Candice
Oh, I *know* this sucks. Well, anyway, in my town, there's REALLY a street called Timberlake St. Basically, this is a fictionalized account of me stealing this sign. As I said before, it sucks.
Scene starts at night. It's dark, and Candice is standing on a street corner, wearing a black toboggan with a star on it, dark sunglasses, a navy blue hoodie, and dark denim jeans. She's humming the "Mission: Impossible" and is holding a camcorder.
Candice: Okay, tonight's the night. I'm gonna do the most despicable, yet ballsiest thing an *NSYNC fan can do.
She turns the camera up to a street sign. In the light, we see "Timberlake Street" written in white letters.
Candice: I'm takin' that puppy and I'm putting it in my room, man. *cackles evilly*
She shimmies up the pole, and pulls a screwdriver and a blowtorch out of her pocket. She gets to work, trying to take the sign down.
Candice: Stupid sign... dammit, come OFF! *she shakes it a little*
She doesn't notice the big, burly police officer--who bears an uncanny resemblence to James Avery, Uncle Phil from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air--coming behind her.
Candice: DAMN YOU, SIGN! DAMN YOU!!!!!!!
She puts one fist in the air and shakes it menacingly.
Officer: 'Scuse me, miss, but... what the HELL are you doing?
Candice turns to see the cop.
Candice: Hehehe...
Officer: Get down from the sign.
Candice reluctantly climbs down the pole.
Officer: So, missy, you care to explain what you were doing?
Candice: *nervously* It's a funny story, really...
Officer: *in sarcastic voice* TRY me for funny.
Candice: *stammering* Well... I like *NSYNC. A lot. And, well, Justin Timberlake's in that group. And I think he's a hottie and all. So-oo, I wanted to take the sign, 'cause it says "Timberlake Street"... and... hehe, isn't that HYSTERICAL?
The cop isn't smiling.
Candice: Hehe... ohh shit.
Next Scene: Candice is sitting in a jail cell, sunglasses off, looking miserable.
Candice: This SUCKS... HEY! Don't I get my one phone call?!?!
Officer: *sigh* Yeah, ya do.
He pushes a cell phone through the bars.
Candice: THANKS!!!!!!
She quickly dials information.
Woman's Voice: Hello?
Candice: Look, I need you to give me Justin Randall Timberlake's number.
Woman: I'm sorry, but I can't do that.
Candice thinks for a moment.
Candice: Hmm.... *speaking in Britney-esque voice* Um, but this is like, Britney. Spears! His GIRLFRIEND.
Woman: Wouldn't you HAVE his number, Ms. Spears?
Candice: *still in Britney voice* I like, forgot it. 'Cause he changed it, you know?
Woman: Okay, okay...
Candice: Connect me, please?
Woman: Alright, alright...
A pause. Suddenly the phone starts ringing.
Candice: Pickuppickuppleasepickup...
Justin picks up.
Justin: Who dis be, yo?
Candice: Uhh, hi Justin. I'm Candice...
Justin: *shocked; in non-ghetto voice* Candice? Candice WHO?
Candice: Candice! My last name don't matter, look, I need you to do me a favor...
Justin: *gettin' ghetto again* What that be, boo?
Candice: Listen, you impudent little wigger. I need you to git yo' azz on the next flight to Dallas so you can bust me outta jail.
Justin: WHA?!?! JAIL?!?! OH HELLZ NO WOMAN!
Candice: YOU'D BETTER DO IT OR ELSE!!!!!!!!
Justin: Or else what?????
Candice: *in hysterical voice* Or else I'll jack yo' JRT necklace, fool! And THEN I'll take your car... and your sneakers... I'll give Britney to Nick Carter.... and FINALLY...
Justin: OKAY! OKAY! I'M COMING!!!!!
Static @ the other end.
Candice: Hehe. I'm so wrong...
About four hours later...
Candice: Where the HELL is he?!
Just then, Justin bursts into the room.
Justin: AIGHT! WHO BE CANDICE?!?!?!
Candice: *yelling* I'M OVER HERE!!!!!!!
Justin: HEY now... you FINE.
Officer: *noticing Justin* Can I HELP you?
Justin: Yeah, I'm here to bust dis fine ASS lay-dee outta jail, yo!
Officer: Alright... we'll let her out on bail for $100 dollars.
Candice: ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS?!?! ONLY ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS?!??!?!? I'M NOT WORTH MORE?????
Officer: Okay, make that $500.
Justin: FIVE HUNDRED?!?! WTF?!?!
Candice: Oops...
Justin gives Candice an evil look.
Officer: Are you going to pay it or not?
Justin: Yeah, I'll pay it...
He pulls out a credit card.
Officer: I only take checks.
Justin: OH HELLZ NO!
Candice: JUST PAY THE MAN, DAMMIT!
Justin fumbles around in his pocket, looking for his checkbook and a pen. He finally digs 'em out and writes the check.
Officer: Thanks for your time.
Justin: Whatever... *mutters* All dis fo' some bitch...
Candice: WHAT did you just say?! Boy I KNOW you did NOT just call me that!
Justin: So what if I did, ho?
Candice takes off her necklaces and shoes.
Candice: You are goin' DOWN, punk!
She jumps him and starts beating him shitless.
In the end...
Candice beat Justin up pretty bad. Because of this little fight, they both ended up serving 48 hours in jail. Justin refused to ever speak to Candice again, and Candice decided to leave the damn sign. Next time she gets in trouble for *NSYNC, she's calling Chris.
