Some modified cars actually look quite good, some appear reasonable; you can see the effect they were trying to achieve. But sometimes you are struck by the sheer stupidity of a vehicle that you are forced to ridicule it in public. Now, where did I put that oil drum?
The first street race...
The top 17th birthday present for every budding boy racer is either insurance on Mum's small car, or better, his or her own set of wheels. Once the examiner has said "I'm pleased to tell you...", then it's time to win your spurs in the nearest big town on a Friday night at the traffic lights.
The car's got to look good, sound better and go like particularly sloppy shit off an especially well-greased shovel!
As you spy your target car waiting at the white line, the first thing he must hear is your kickin' bass. A glance in the mirror should instil terror in his heart at the big lads banging the inside of the roof in time to Bohemian Rhapsody, and as you draw alongside he'll begin to visibly sweat. Your car looks so decrepit, it must hide a serious powerplant. He can tell it's going to be the race of his life, and he'll be thinking he should have replaced that K&N filter and sorted the rattle on the gearstick as it sticks dropping into second.
The traffic stops, the junction clears to show the first thirty yards of clear black racetrack, under the yellow glow of the streetlights. The lights drop to amber, the two racers stutter. As the green light begins to burn, the tail of the competition's car hits the deck and his front wheels scrabble across the tarmac as your front wheels jerk over the line and ... the whole scene is completely obscured by the smokescreen from the twenty-five year old diesel engine thrapping it's proverbial nuts out working to shift two tonnes of LandRover away from a standstill.
We've all seen them croozing round on a Friday night...
Below are a few tips to customise your Novo / 'Scort / Pola / Corsa / Mini on the shoestring budget most young lads and girls must work to:
Lowered - a big bill if done with new springs etc, but there are shortcuts. On a Metro, the hyrolastic fluid can be let out to drop the car for better handling, but for the ultimate 'slammed to tha deck' image look no further than a new lapbelt for the back seat and four lardy mates to festoon the inside. The handling goes to pot and it may strain the engine, but they'll buy you a drink when you get to the pub.
Wide wheels - find your local welder, and get him to cut the centres out of your old wheels and reweld them back but further out. Down at the tyre place while they're being balanced with a welder and lumphammer heads, see if you can get some fat rubber castoffs from Subaru Imprezas with legal tread. For the ultimate 'cotton reel' effect however, you already have everything you need - just jack up a corner, crack the nuts off and spin the wheel round the other way. Instant offset.
Alloys - while alloy doesn't weld well, they tend to be wide to start with, look cool and are correspondingly expensive. If you paint your old steels black, a silver spraycan can recreate the spokes to look like they're alloy. Use five dinner plates as a stencil for the spokes.
Flared arches - to keep the car legal and looking cool, the bodywork has got to poke out over the tyres. Once the rubber gets too wide, you can avoid the serious money of bodykits by getting a few lardy friends to give a gentle tug under the arch lip, until the skin stretches across your new castors. Sorted.
Skirts - to make the motor look mint, you need to wrap cheap plastic around the front and back ends, but the price can be extortionate. The same effect can be achieved with newspaper, but don't forget to felt-tip pen it the same colour (or close) as the car before you varnish it. If mountings appear problematic you can do the job properly with silicone sealant which sets like glue, or just wrap a ratchet strap around the flapping article.
Powerbulge & vents - Once looking around for a bulged bonnet off a similar shape car bears no fruit, look no further than the local Wilkos. �1.99 will buy you a roasting tin and a further 99p gets you the one-use riveter to strap it to the middle of your bonnet. A good slapping with the paintbrush renders it conspicuous, especially in a tasteful fluorescent green or orange.
Lights - the more the merrier. If they don't have reflectors they won't dazzle people and make them crash into you so they can be turned on all the time, and the corners of the car should be picked out in colours. Green looks especially mint, but blue is best left to those dodgy non E-marked headlight bulbs. Front foglights should be on night and day.
Big bore tailpipe - While this has no effect whatsoever on your performance, it looks good and can also provide amusement as a mortar launcher with the appropriate bore projectile. If the prices down at Halfords are a little rich for your blood, just reverse into a milk-bottle end on, or hacksaw the old'un off and silicone a bit of drainpipe under the back bumper. To look professional it should have an anodised coloured ring around it, but the same effect with felt-tip will last until it gets hot (but then it'll smell a bit)...
Spoiler - Back down Wilkos will get you a tea tray and change from a pound. A little creativity with Lawrence Llewellyn-Tosser's MDF will give you a whale tail of Escort Cosworth proportions.
Tinted windows - the pro job is costly, the cheaper film peels off. But mask out the body, get an aerosol of matt black paint and lightly mist the intended area for the same effect at a fraction of the price. You could even stencil your name and girlfriend's name across the top of the windscreen.
Air freshener - all boy racers use the same brand of air freshener - 'New Car Scent'. Get one.
Kickin' stereo - pukka ICE is hideously expensive, but you get what you pay for. If all you can muster is a few pence after you've filled it up, you'd do well to cruise down to the local car boot sale with your wallet and glance across the tables. Cheap stereos are good value, but beware of a BMW head unit, BMW amp and BMW 6 disc changer without manuals for �20.
Kickin' speakers - Back at the car boot sale, the best bargains are to be had at the budget speaker stand. Sure, they're out of someone's living room and they take up the whole back seat, but once secured with the seatbelt you'll be kickin' bass with the best, not the rest. Let's face it, if you're driving round and round in a lowered Nova, you're not going to pull.
For those with more MDF and spare time, a good bass cannon can be made with ...err... a bass speaker and a cannon, or anything cannon shaped, like an oil drum for example. Silicon seal it together, wire it up with some 240v cable off the fridge and throw it in the boot. Sorted.
Stickers - just remember, it's the sticker that counts, not the merchandise. Even if you think 'Alpine' is a mountain range, if the price is right then get it written foothigh across the back window. Body stickers down the door should emphasise the spec (ie. RS Turbo) not the model. The hardcore cruisers already know it's an Escort. Big is better and bright colours look the rudest.
So now it looks minter than ...err... a mint, and sounds like it looks (like a fleece then), you're sorted for a carpark cruise. At the traffic lights though, it's just not going to cut the mustard, and this needs some serious bodging-on-a-budget.
Obviously as cars get newer, the electronics take over and make the car run. A chip can be the only way to get the car to run better / faster / at all, but older carburetted cars have more scope for tuning.
"Nitro" boost - Nitro kits are expensive and illegal, but the same effect can be achieved at home with the right equipment (like a hired tart then). A quick zing of power can be had by grabbing the choke control (ahem) and giving it a sharp tug for that sudden spurt. Don't pull too far though.... Ezi-start into the intake works better but needs planning or a kamikaze racing freak hanging off the bonnet on the offchance.
Budget blower - For a simple turbo effect, connect your heater pipes to the air filter and turn the blower on. Adjust the cab heater controls to cold for the intercooler effect, and make large labels for the blower and temperature switches proclaiming them as 'Boosted Intake Gate' and 'Turbo Intercooler Temperature'.
Custom exhaust - If you've ever taken a car exhaust off and tried to blow down it hard, you've probably still got a black ring on your face. Apart from this, a free-flowing exhaust will make a noticeable difference, so cut off the four pipes which run into it at the manifold, and unbolt the now useless pipe, leaving only the tailpipe for custom effect. Sure, it'll be a bit louder, so just crank up those phat choones.
Reducing aerodynamic drag (aka DIY Cabrio) - As you go faster the air drag becomes bigger, so it follows you get a higher top speed if your car is more aerodynamic. While some manufacturers make slippery shapes from steel, less frontal area will always reduce the amount of air you've got to shift to move from A to B. For those cars which don't unbolt at the windowline, grasp Mr. Grinder firmly at waist height and walk around your car closely. Bash the sharp edges over, and pop around the block for a test drive in your new ragtop. Oh, and drill holes in the floor to let the water out again.
Acceleration - Around town you rarely top 30mph because that would be illegal, but as most cars are capable of going faster than motorway speeds, you're wasting all that power. Lower gearing will bring the acceleration up to tyre-snatching levels, with either spannerwork and another 'box, or just smaller tyres. People may shun them as looking shite, but they lower the car too, so just put lots of lights around them and dazzle critical onlookers.
Disclaimer - don't do any of this stuff; if it's not illegal, it's uninsurable or stupid. (If you do, send me a photo).
