Episode 4
"Payback"
Bret, a suave survivor -- Matt Grossman
Hans Niedelheimer, a former "chemist" -- Tom Morin
Maggie Simpson, a cold-blooded EMT with an usual background -- Noelle Kompkoff
Kenji Yoshida, the hitman son of a ruthless executive -- Paul Skavland
Roach, a diminutive martial artist -- Kevin Osborn
The party debates what to do next.
Hans: I know! Me and Roach will break into Tina's room and "borrow"
her guns.
Kenji: I'll watch your back. From over here.
Bret: I'll do research on the internet about these elves.
Maggie: I'll help.
JD: I'll go help the Jesuits. They're having trouble with some of
their irrigation pumps. [leaves]
Bret: Maggie, maybe you should loan your armored jacket to Hans?
Maggie: Why? I'm just going to get it back all nasty and covered in
goop.
Tina's door has a big padlock and a graphic photo of a person who has
been killed by a bomb.
Kenji: Bad ass. Is that his face?
Hans: Stand back. [fiddle fiddle fiddle click]. Hmmmm... Doesn't look
like it's trapped. Roach, let me borrow your sword.
Roach: No way! You're just going to get it blown up.
Hans: (uses a wrench to carefully nudge the door open).
Hans and Roach go into Tina's room, which is a converted men's room.
They cautiously walk across the floor towards the large metal chest in
the corner, which is where she keeps her guns.
Hans: [click whooosh]
Roach: What was that?
Hans: I think I set something off. Let's get out of here!
They run out of the room.
Maggie: What happened? You're sort of orangeish.
Bret: It's getting worse -- more orange.
Kenji: Like, uhh, highway cones. (snicker)
Hans and Roach have both turned a bright orange color.
Hans: [braaap] Sorry.
Kenji: Aw dude, that reeks!
Roach: [phroooot] Something's wrong...
Bret: They're orange and they're farting.
Hans: Can't hold it... [frooop] Ah.
Maggie: Well, other than being really nasty, whatever it is doesn't
appear to be lethal.
Kenji: What she said. Get in there and get me a bigger gun! You
stink.
Hans and Roach go back into the room.
Bret: I guess that was just so Tina would know whoever broke into her
room...
Kenji: Shh. There's someone down that passage.
They hear whispering.
Voice: They're in her room.
Bret: [loudly] Yeah, guys, remember we're just borrowing her stuff.
We'll bring it back after we've defeated the elves.
Voice: [giggle]
Kenji: I hope that worked...
Hans and Roach find a small motion sensor. The sensor apparently
triggered a small, bright orange aerosol canister. It is unmarked,
other the words, "Contents under pressure" imprinted around the
bottom.
They open Tina's weapons chest without further trouble. Unfortunately,
the contents are somewhat depressing. There are two sets of worn,
neatly stacked fatigues and a few over-the-hill guns, as well as
an old 20th century claymore mine.
Hans: I was hoping for an FN P90. Guess I'll just have to take this M4.
It's kind of old and worn, but it looks serviceable. (Works the bolt
a few times). Could use some oil. Only two clips for it.
Maggie: I guess I'll take one of the Slovakian knock-off .32s. It's
almost as good as a real gun. I can use it to scare kids.
Kenji: I'll take this light armored vest. Maybe it will slow the bullets
down.
Bret: No phased plasma rifle in the 40-watt range? [sigh] This gun looks
pretty fancy, though.
Maggie: That's the M43A1. It fires a 14mm, liquid-propelled shaped charge round
that's capable of penetrating half an inch of steel. Military's newest assault
rifle. The receiver's missing, though.
Roach: We'd better take the Claymore too. No sign of the night vision glasses.
Kenji: Come on guys, if she had lots of stuff, she wouldn't be living here.
They leave a note for Tina, lock up her room, and head back home. As
they approach their door they can see that the look has been pried
off. When they open the door, they see that their room has been
systematically trashed. There are piles of feces all over the room,
about half of the porn has been thrown out of the window, and rest thrashed.
The dog has been shot and is lying whimpering on the floor. Spray-painted on the
wall is: "This is for Hangnail! Your next!".
Hans: I hate it when people don't know the difference between "You're" and
"Your."
Kenji: Should I put your dog out of his misery?
Bret: Goodbye, Old Yeller. [snif]
Kenji: [blam]
Bret: Now I guess we can trade him to that noodle place.
Kenji: And we can find out who did this. Let's get to work! [Bret and Kenji
leave]
Roach: Hangnail... Hangnail... who the heck is Hangnail?
Hans: One of the many people we've killed in the past week? [phrrrp]
Roach: Sure, but which one? [braaaaap]
Maggie: Maybe that guy on the stairs? My eyes are watering. Can we
open a window or something?
Roach: That's gotta be it -- the guy I whacked with the sword.
Maggie: I'll see if I can fix that farting thing.
Hans: I'll see about getting into Madame Yu's place. Floyd said they
had a lockable door -- that's more secure.
Bret and Kenji drop off the dog at Wang's House of Noodles, and then
spend some time trying to find out if anyone has been asking around
about them, or saying that they are going to get them. At Russ' bar:
Gina: Don't tell anyone I told you, but you might want to talk to
Charleton over there. (points to greasy man in the corner). He was
complaining that someone offed this Hangnail guy. Maybe he's a friend?
Bret: Thanks. Come on, Kenji, let's leave and come back later.
Kenji: Leave? But I though we were...
Bret: Come on. We have to protect our sources.
Kenji: (glares at Charleton, who is too drunk to notice) What if he
bails while we're gone?
They come back about twenty minutes later. Charleton is still there,
although his mug of beer is almost empty.
Bret: Are you Charleton?
Charleton: No! I mean, maybe. Who wants to know?
Apparently, Hangnail owed Charleton money. After lengthy talk, and
promises of beer, Charleton tells them that a guy named "Bitchboy"
might know something about the trashing of their place.
Kenji: Who would call themselves Bitchboy?
Charleton: Now get me a drink, you damned dirty ape!
Bret: (buys him a drink)
Kenji: Let's get out of here before I kill this guy.
They head up to Bitchboy's place. It is silent inside.
Kenji: Open up! [kicks the door in]
They see a darkened room, and someone fleeing down the corridor to the
right.
Kenji: Dammit. (he runs around the corner, followed by Bret)
They see somone about to open a door at the far end of
the corridor. There is another door which is ajar, partway down the
corridor.
Kenji: [blam] Freeze! [blam] Don't move!
Boy: Ah! My leg! Don't kill me!
Kenji: Crap, it's just a kid. Just keep your hands up. (crawls down the
corridor)
Guy: (appears in open door and shoots at Kenji, missing him)
Kenji: [blam blam blam blam]
Guy: Urk... (still standing) Whathafuck?
Kenji: Damn, I shot him right through the heart. I can see daylight.
Bret: Shoot him again!
Kenji: No way, he's toast.
Bret: Shot him again, damn it! (runs up and fires his shotgun into the guy's
leg)
Guy: (still standing, blood pouring every where) Argle. Eflook. Ugluck.
Kenji: Goddammit! [blam blam]
Guy: [thud]
A pool of arterial blood slowly spreads around him.
Boy: Why did you shoot Bitchboy? What do you want?
Kenji: So that was Bitchboy...
Bret: It was self defense. What's your name?
Boy: Umm, they call me Sarah.
Bret: Ok, we're looking for the guys who trashed our place.
Hangnail's friends. Do you know where they are?
Sarah: Well, there's Freddy and Greg.
Kenji: Take us to them. Or else.
Bret: Man, you're a psychopath, you know that? You murderous bastard!
Sarah leads them up another floor, to an open door. There is the
sound of house music coming from inside.
Music: Whaka-Whaka-Boom-Boom-Whaka-Whaka-Boom-Boom
Sarah: This is Freddy's place.
Kenji: Your turn, Bret.
Bret: (opens door)
He sees a small room with a couch and a TV. A guy and girl are on the
couch, and there is a trashy porno playing on the TV.
Bret: (steps in and places his shotgun to the back of the man's head)
Freddy: Ahh! (jumps up) Who are you?
Kenji: You fucked with us!
Freddy: What? No way! Not me!
Bret: You crapped on our porn!
Freddy: Uhhh... so?
Bret: [blam] (shoots a hole the size of a fist through the Freddy's chest)
Freddy: [thud]
Kenji: He shot the dog too.
Bret: Oh yeah.
Girl: Errr....
Bret: [ka-chik] Bitches leave.
Girl: (grabs guy's wallet and leaves)
Kenji: Sweeet. We got a TV.
Bret: I always wanted to say that.
Kenji: See? Being a murderous bastard is sort of liberating.
Bret: Uhh... this was different. I gave him a chance to explain himself
after I kicked his door in.
Kenji: Whatever. It was rad! "So?" Blam! Heh.
They close and lock the door. Meanwhile, an angry mob is gathering
down the corridor.
Mob: [mumble mumble] They just walked in and killed him! [mumble
mumble]
Bret: Ahem. It was self defense. He and his friends threatened us.
And they crapped on our porn.
Kenji: And they killed our dog.
Bret: Oh yeah.
Mob: [mumble mumble] But you guys killed Hangnail. You busted into
his place and killed him and his ho.
Kenji: Oh, Hangnail must have been that abusive guy.
Bret: That was self defense too. When we went to his place, he fired
at us when we knocked on the door, then attacked us when we came in.
And he killed his girlfriend before we got there.
Mob: Oh, never mind. [disperses]
Kenji: That was close. Ok, Sarah, take us to Greg.
Sarah: Sure...
He leads them up another floor.
Bret: Your turn, Kenji.
Kenji: (tries to break down door and fails)
Bret: (tries to break down door and fails)
Kenji: (tries to break down door again and fails)
Sarah: Ahem. (opens door)
Kenji: Grrr.
Sarah: (winces) Don't kill me.
They search the apartment but it is empty.
Kenji: Greg had a lucky escape. Let's crap on his bed.
Bret: Umm, I don't want to wipe my ass on those sheets. They're
nasty.
Kenji: Dude, you're wussing out on crapping on the bed! I can't
believe it! Urrrrrgh! Ah... Oh, "Jugs 234", I remember this issue
well... (crumple crumple crumple)
After Kenji has finished, they leave.
Kenji: Ok, Sarah, you can go now. And say, if you need a sugar
daddy...
Sarah: [leaves]
Kenji: [sigh]
Bret and Kenji go and collect the TV from Freddy's apartment, then go
back to the base.
Hans: [braaaap] What happened? You're covered in blood.
Bret: We just had to take care of some stuff. I see you're still
orange.
Maggie: Yeah, I can't cure it. Fortunately, I rigged up a curtain.
They're sleeping on that side. It's not helping much, though.
Hans: I couldn't get into Madame Yu's place. Maybe some other day.
Roach: Cool, a TV!
Kenji: Even better, we've got porno DVDs! Damn, I've already seen
all these.
Bret and Kenji wash up, and the room is cleaned up as much as is
possible. The party then goes to sleep.
The next day they decide to deal with the elves.
Bret: We'll challenge their leaders to a duel, lure them up here, then
kill him. Put the claymore over there under that cardboard box. (in
Sindarin) I am the Mouth of Sauron! The Dark Lord challenges your
leaders to a duel!
There is a pause, then a man whispers up the stairs in English:
Man: Dude... I don't speak the geeky lingo. But, uhhhh, If you can
kill Beren and Celeborn, I'll become the boss. And I'll be cool. I'm
not a nutcase like they are.
Bret: Ok, what's your plan?
Man: Plan? Umm... I have a cunning plan... uhhhh... I can probably
get a couple guys to help.
Bret: Could we lure them up here by challenging them to a duel?
Man: They aren't so dumb that they'd come up there to fight a duel.
Bret: Where do they sleep?
Man: Well, Beren sleeps in the safe on the first floor. I don't know
where Celeborn sleeps.
Gonzales, proprietor of Gonzalez Tanpopo and head of the defense
draws them a map to help their planning.
Gonzales: It used to be an old bank. There's a big safe in the back
room. Good luck.
The party tries to figure out what their next step should be. They
decide to attack at dawn the next day by rapelling down the outside of
the building and entering through the first floor.
Kenji: We get to kill them all! Hoody-hoo!
Roach: [braaaap] This sucks.
The party spends the rest of the day resting and planning their
assault. The next morning at 3am they lower a rope and climb down the
side of the building. They climb down stealthily, barely avoiding
detection by perceptive "elves".
It is raining and they decide to take shelter across the street before
attacking at dawn. As they cross the street:
Tina: Hey, it's me, Tina!
She is camped out on the fire escape of a building accross the street.
She agrees to help them in their assault. She has a pistol and her night
vision glasses. She gives some extra ammo 12 gauge shells to Bret and 9mm
Hollow Point ammunition to Kenji.
Tina: I see you broke into my room.
Hans: Do you know how to get rid of this?
Tina: Sorry, nope. I forgot to ask for an antidote. It was a Chinese dude
down at the docks.
Hans: [braaaaap]
Tina: [snicker] You didn't get the rest of the M43, did you? I finally
got a receive for it.
At dawn they attack, crossing the street and sneaking in through the
loading dock. They find themselves in the back of a bank. They open
a door and see a bank vault. Tina loans Roach her night vision
glasses, and he approaches the vault. He quickly dispatches the two
guards sleeping outside with his sword.
Roach: (Spuck Spuck)
Guards: Gurgle.
Inside the value, Roach sees a man and two women sleeping.
Roach: Bet that's Beren.
As he enters the vault, the man jumps up and draws a sword.
Roach: Hiyaaa! [stabs Beren in the neck]
Beren: Urk.
Kenji: (turns on his flashlight)
Women: Eeek!
Roach: Dammit. [stab]
Beren: Ow.
Kenji: He's heading straight for us! [blam]
Beren: [thud]
Kenji: Look out! [blam]
Roach: Ow! What the hell?
Kenji: Sorry, I was aiming for the girl cowering against the wall over
there. Uhh... she might have had a gun or something.
Roach: I am... SO mad at you right now. [phrooot] Life sucks. Hollow
point rounds suck. Ow, ow, ow.
Maggie dresses Roach's wound while Tina ties up the elf women.
Tina: If you scream, we'll kill you.
Hans: [braaap]
They go into the front room of the bank:
----------------------------------------------
| |
| stairs
|
party |------
| |
| |
| |
| |
| |
| |
| ------\ |
| / \ |
|------------/ glassed \ |
in / |
area / |
- --/ |
| fire |
| bedrolls |
| |
| |
|----------------------------------
Kenji moves towards the glassed in area and starts to circle it, while
Hans and Bret move along the wall towards the stairs. Suddenly they
see three elves crouched behind the glassed-in area.
Bret: [ka-chik blam ka-chik blam] Wow. This is just like those team
building survival camps I used to go on with my company.
Elf: [twang]
Kenji: [blam blam blam blam]
Hans: [blam blam blam blam blam blam]
One of the elves is killed and the others fall back. Suddenly a bunch
of men run out of the stairs area.
Men: For Gondor! Yaaaa! For the light of Elendil!
There is a furious battle. Tina and Maggie lay down fire on the stairs area,
while Roach goes to assist Kenji.
Roach: I can't believe I'm teaming up with this guy again. [Blam]
Man: Urg, my fashe! (Falls)
Elf: We surrender!
Kenji: [blam blam]
Elf: You... you killed me! Urk. Gurgle.
Other Elf: (lunges at Kenji with a knife)
Kenji: [blam blam blam blam] Err... self-defense?
Roach: (draws his .357 Magnum and shoots a man charging him) [blam] I
just don't feel up to any sword fighting today. [phrooot] Dammit.
Hans: [blam click] (his carbine jams)
Man: Taste my steel, minion of Sauron!
Bret: [ka-chik blam ka-chik blam]
Man: Urk.
Hans: Thanks! [braaaap]
Bret: Don't do that near my face!
Hans: What?
Bret: I said, don't do that near my face! It smells real bad!
Hans: [phroooot]
Bret: Ugh. Loading! (Plunk plunk plunk)
Hans [Blam blam blam blam blam blam]
Maggie: (fires at men charging Bret as he is reloading) [blam blam
blam blam]
Man: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ohhh... [thud]
Tina: Wow, I guess that a .32 is almost as good as a real gun.
Maggie: Heh. Size matters not.
Soon all of the elves and men are killed, except for one who is still
lurking in the stairwell and occasionally shooting at the party with a
bow. All are deafened by the stunning concusion of the weapons fired in
an enclosed space, but their andrenalin has kicked in. The party surrounds
the stairwell and prepares to storm it...
Kenji: I wish we had some grenades.
Roach: [braaap] I wish I didn't have to team up with you! Try not to
shoot me again!
Kenji: Ok, ok! Jeez, some people.
TO BE CONTINUED...
