Episode 3
"Dukes and Defenestrations"
(c) 2003, Matt Grossman and J. Sage Schreiner

Bret, a suave survivor -- Matt Grossman
Hans Niedelheimer, a former "chemist" -- Tom Morin
Maggie Simpson, a cold-blooded EMT with an usual background -- Noelle Kompkoff
Kenji Yoshida, the hitman son of a ruthless executive -- Paul Skavland
Roach, a diminutive martial artist -- Kevin Osborn


The party finishes looting Rowley's lair over the next several days,
while the wounded characters recover. Bret takes care that the
party's exploits become known to the other inhabitants of the
building, while making sure that the party doesn't appear to be
bragging about their exploits.

JD: Ugh, I've got an awful case of the flu. I'm going to hang out. I can
guard the fort, I guess. Achoo.

Kenji buys more ammunition from Tina. He gets 9mm bullets for
himself, .25 ACP for Hans, and some 12 gauge shells for Bret.

Roach: I guess I'll take Rowley's .357 hand-cannon.
Maggie: I call dibs on the armored jacket!
Kenji: Hey, I wanted that!
Roach: Give the medic the armor. If she goes down, we're all in
trouble.

Hans and Maggie join forces to investigate Nastyman.

Hans: We know that he wasn't normal, because he could talk into our
heads.
Maggie: Ehhh... that's not the only reason he wasn't normal.

They discover that Rowley was from Idaho, that he had a Wa. state
drivers license, which was suspended for erratic driving, and that his
credit was good, although he pretty much stopped using credit cards
five years ago.

The cash card he had holds $200, non tracable, but was issued by
"CFM, Inc.".

Hans: Hmm... there are a bunch of outfits named CFM. The most likely
is the Christian Faith Militia, Incorporated, of West Seattle. Their leader is a
guy named Caleb McNab.

Rowley had a credit card belonging to Roger Beresford, of West
Seattle. Hans determines that it was canceled by a Mary Beresford,
of Spokane.

The cybereye was a six year old model made by Nakamura
Prosthetics Corportation, of Osaka. It appears to be a standard model.
Bret calls up Nakamura's LA Office and impersonates a clinic technician
in order to discover who bought the eye. He discovers that it should be
installed in a Mrs. Richter, of Los Angeles. They discover that a
Claire Richter, of LA, went missing while hiking in Idaho in 2019.
The missing person's description said that she had a cybereye.

Maggie: That's what you get for going to Idaho.

Bret impersonates a police officer and calls Mary Beresford. They
discover that her husband's credit card was stolen after he was run
over by a car and taken to the hospital. She canceled it, and
complains about how the SPD is not doing enough to fight identity
theft. She doesn't know anything about the Christian Faith Militia or
Caleb McNab.

Bret: It's called "human engineering".
Hans: Bah, my 3l33t h4ck0r sk1llz could have gotten us this
information.
Maggie: Look up Caleb McNab.

It seems that Caleb McNab is a rising young star in the militia
movement. He joined the 27th Idaho State Militia at the age of 18,
worked his way up in the ranks to Colonel, then moved to Seattle to
start his own militia. One of the pictures on his web site shows him
with some members of the 27th Idaho; one of the camoflauged
paramilitaries is Henry Rowley.

Maggie: So he came to Seattle, and Rowley came with him.
Kenji: It looks like Rowley wasn't always a total lunatic. Something
must have happened after this picture was taken to make him into what
he became.
Roach: I'll bet his insanity was caused by the chip in his brain.
Maggie: It wasn't actually in his brain, but at the base of the skull.
Hans: Well, Kenji shot it in half, so I don't think I'll be able to
figure out what it did, but I'll try my best.
Bret: Next time, aim for the groin.
Kenji: Bite me.

Next day, the character's continue their investigation. Bret calls up
Christian Faith Militia, Inc., and poses as a journalist.

Bret: I'm with the Stra -- I mean I'm with uhhhh jesusnew.com. Yeah.
Admin: Okay, I'll see if Colonel McNab is available.
Bret: Praise Jesus.

He is able to talk to Caleb McNab, and asks him several innocent questions,
which gives McNab an opportunity to enlarge on his philosophy.

McNab: The US has been taken over by Zionist financiers. The only
acceptable form of governmental authority is the county sheriff.
The Anglo-Saxon and Celtic races are the descendents of the lost
tribes of Israel. The UN is sending black helicopters to spy on us...
Bret: Interesting. Now, I understand that it was when you were in
Idaho that you met Henry Rowley?
McNab: [long pause] You're not who you say you are, are you?
Bret: ...
McNab: What do you know about Henry Rowley?
Bret: I know that he's a pretty... unique... guy.
NcNab: Under what circumstances did you see him?
Bret: Well, I was shooting at him.
McNab: Where?
Bret: I was aiming for his head, but I missed.
McNab: Heh. Ok... look, I would be prepared to pay $5000 for knowledge of
Rowley's whereabouts. I would like to point out that this is covered under
the Corporate Research act of 2014. 
Bret: Five thousand dollars, huh? That's all?
McNab: This reward is contingent on Rowley, and his possessions, being recovered
intact. Do you understand?
Bret: Sure. Is there a number I can call you at?
McNab: Just use this number.
Bret: (hangs up)

Bret reports the conversation.

Maggie: Five thousand isn't much, considering that this eye alone is
worth at least 20 thousand...
Roach: Corporate research, huh?
Hans: From looking at the chip, I can tell that it ties deeply into
the central nervous system. It seems to be composed of several
off-the-shelf building blocks, kludged together by a barely competent
engineer. I kind of get the impression that it's a knockoff, that
they're trying to copy something that they didn't completely
understand.
Bret: So maybe they got hold of a chip that would make a
super-soldier...
Hans: And tried to copy it, and ended up with a chip that made a
super-psycho.
Kenji: Anyway, at least we know that there probably aren't more of
these guys out there. Rowley showing up here was probably just a
fluke.

1/5/2023

Roach: Ow, my leg is still sore, but I can kind of limp around.
Kenji: I can use my right hand now.
Maggie: Don't keep getting shot. I have a limited supply of the
nanite healing-enhancers.
Hans: From my research on ebay, I've determined that our porn
collection is worth between five and ten thousand dollars. The
problem is selling it.
Maggie: I've been researching Madam Yu. Nobody knows anything about
her.
Bret: That's convenient.

That evening, two Roaches stagger up to the clinic. They have been
shot with arrows.

Roach#1: Man, they just ambushed us. We got 'em though. I killed
five of them myself. Really.
Kenji: Who ambushed you, Robin Hood and his Merry Men? [snicker]
Roach#2: These weird guys, they had swords and stuff. I'm telling
you, they were pretty tough! We kicked their asses though. Frickin'
elves.
Hans: Elves?
Roach#1: Yeah, they all had pointed ears. Like in the movies.
Bret: [snicker] When LARPers Attack...
Kenji: [snicker]
Roach#2: Hey, it's not funny!
Hans: Yeah, not funny!

Maggie bandages up the Roaches and they go away.

Maggie: Just when you think you've seen it all...

Later that evening a badly bruised four-year-old shows up at the door.

Kid: Mommy's boyfriend was mean to me and my brother won't wake up.
Kenji: Hey, little buddy, I remember you from a few days ago.
Roach: Let's go kick this guy's ass.
Bret: Now hold on, is our primary mission here really to "save the
children"? We can't save them all.
Roach: We can do some good at least. And I've been looking to kick
some ass.
Kenji: I've got your back, man.
Bret: If you've got it as well as you did last time, I'd be worried.
Kenji: He fell down a hole! It was dark! It wasn't my fault!
Maggie: (to kid) Can you take us to your mom's place?
Kid: Follow me.
JD: I'll watch the clinic.

The kid leads them down twenty-five floors or so to the Bowery, the
least desirable area of the building.

Kenji: This the door?
Kid: [nods]
Kenji: Ok, open up in there! [wham wham]

After banging on the door for a while, they hear a man's voice from inside.

Man: Fuck you!
Bret: No, fuck you!
Maggie: Oh dear...
Man: What are you doing out there?
Kenji: I'm drilling your mom!

There is a shot from inside the room and a bullet zings through the door
and smacks into the wall on the opposite side of the hall.

Kenji: That's it. Bret, blast the hinges off this door.
Bret: Ok. [shookshook blam shookshook blam] (he throws the door open)
Kenji: (leans around the corner, holding his pistol and flashlight at the ready)
Man: What do you want? (he is holding a pistol by his side)
Kenji: [blam blam blam blam]
Man: Urk. [falls, badly wounded]
Bret: Dammit, Kenji!
Kenji: What? Why are you looking at me like that?
Roach: What the hell was that about?
Kenji: He was armed! It was self defense! And I was aiming for the
groin!

They explore the apartment while Maggie patches up the man Kenji
shot. They find a dead baby under a table, a frightened child in the
corner, and a dead woman slumped outthe window. A huge roach runs
away from the woman's body and when they inspect it it looks as though
the blood has been drained.
Bret: Blood-sucking roaches?
Hans: Hmm, looks like both the baby and the woman were beaten to death
recently.
Kenji: Didn't she have another kid?
Maggie: Nope.
Kenji: Strange...

Roach: (grabs man) Ok, what happened here?
Man: What? Huh? I didn't do nothin'. She, uhh, fell.
Kenji: Let's chuck him out of the window.
Man: It's not my fault!
Hans: What was her name?
Man: Uhhh... why do you expect me to know? She was just my girlfriend.
Maggie: Okay, let's throw him out the window.
Man: Arrgh! (leaps at Bret, the weakest looking tormentor)
Bret: (steps back, and shrugs off the man's attempt to grapple with him)
[shookshook blam]
Man: [dies]
Kenji: Nice shooting. You hit him right in the head. 00-buck shot, from
five feet. That's ugly.
Bret: It was self defense! And I think this is pretty good proof that
9mm FMJ is not suitable for a combat handgun. It just doesn't deliver
a wide enough wound channel. Now if you'd been using hollowpoints...
Kenji: No, it shows that you've got to aim for the head. Which is
what I'll do, next time.

They drop the bodies out the window (after looting them first), then
drop the kids off with the Jesuit priests. Then they go back to
sleep, only to be woken up around 4am by heavy gunfire from the bottom
of the building. It seems that the elves are attacking the building
again.

The next day the party learns that the attackers, who call themselves
the "Sindarin" have succeeded in taking over the lobby level of the
building and are apparently thrashing the Roaches pretty badly.
Wounded Roaches stagger up to the clinic to be treated, boasting about
how they are winning, but somehow the Sindarin continue to advance.
By nightfall they have taken the bottom three floors of the building.
Nobody can go in or out, and the people in the "civilized" part of the
building are nervous.

The next day the party learns that Boss Wiggs, the generally accepted
leader of the "civilized" part of the building, went down to negotiate
with the Sindarin around 8am, and has not returned. The "Neighborhood
Watch" has set up barricades on the stairs. The Roaches appear to
have been thoroughly defeated.

By afternoon, when Boss Wiggs has not made an appearance, the party
decides to do something. They go down to the barricade.

Gonzalez: It's no good trying to talk to them, they don't answer.
Kenji: It looks like those elves have taken Boss Hogg prisoner,
and it's up to the Duke boys to rescue him! Heh heh.
Bret: Hmm... (surfs the web and finds an elvish dictionary) Let me
try.

He calls down a greeting in Elvish, and soon gets a reply.

Bret: Will you let Boss Wiggs go?
Elf: Uhh... no! He art going to be our hostage forever, verily. Yeah.
Bret: What do you want? Will you send someone up?

The elves send up a Roach that they captured.

Roach: And then they, uhh, knocked me out. But they said that they
were going to take 50% of everything that went in or out of the
building.
Bystanders: 50%? That's crazy! We can't live like that! We'll
starve!
Roach: They talk some weird lingo, so I had trouble understanding them.
But I could tell that their leader, uhh, "Kale-uh-born" or something was
having a hissy fit with one of his dudes, "Baron" or something. The
gangers seem to worship those two. I think they were like bowing and stuff,
and they got all wuss around those two. I also heard two girls arguing over
who gets to be �Luthien�. I think they were Baron�s chicks, or something.

Bret tries once more to open communications.

Bret: Can we talk to your leader?

After some delay, there is an answer in English.

Man: My name is Beren.
Bret: People can't survive if you tax 50%.
Beren: The fate of Easterlings is of no concern to men of the
Numenorean race.
Bret: But, uhh, if we all die you won't get any tribute. Anyway, how
do you know that we are Easterlings? We might be followers of Anor.
Man#2: I am Celeborn, the leader of the Sindarin. We know that you
are followers of the dark lord because you smell.
Kenji: [mutters] Bite me.
Celeborn: I heard that! Your fate is of no concern to us, unclean ones.
Bret: Will you at least let us talk to Boss Wiggs?
Celeborn: No. He's sleeping.
Bret: Well, wake him up!
Celeborn: No.

The party goes off to confer.

Bret: It looks like the elves have killed Boss Hogg... I mean, Boss
Wiggs.
Kenji: And now those revenuers are after Uncle Jesse's still. If they
get it, there won't be any moonshine in Hazzard County! [snicker]
Maggie: Come on guys, this is serious. This bunch of LARPers mean to
starve out the building. Maybe we could cut a deal with them and give
them the porn, in exchange for dropping their taxes.
Bret: Hmm... (surfs the web) holy shit! Bwahahahaha!

The party pauses to admire www.elfporn.com.

Roach: I guess they wouldn't be interested in our porn unless we drew
pointy ears on all the women.
Kenji: We won't starve that fast. I mean, we can eat the fallen. There
are a couple protein vats, and the jesuits have a garden.
Bret: We could arm the farmers and, uh, no. We're just going to have
to kill them all.
Kenji: Hoody hoo! It's what we do best!
Maggie: We're going to need guns. Lots of guns.

They go up to Tina's room, but find that it is locked. Apparently she
hasn't been seen for a couple of days.

Kenji: She's probably outside the building. I'm sure she wouldn't
mind if we broke in.
Hans: She wouldn't mind, but her booby traps might.

Al, at the Sign of the Hood, used to have some guns.

Al: Sorry, I sold all my stuff to the Roaches yesterday. So I guess
those elves have them now. Look on the bright side, they won't use
them. You hope.
Maggie: Maybe Madam Yu will help us. After all, they're going to be
starved too.

Floyd has been following the party around and overhears this.

Floyd: They're gone. I mean, the door is locked, but I climbed in
through a window and the whole top few floors of this building have
been cleaned out, except for some old bunk beds and some office
furniture.
Bret: So much for that idea.
Kenji: I wonder how those Duke boys are going to get out of this?

TO BE CONTINUED...