Episode 40 "Attack of the Crone" (c) 2002 by Matt Grossman and J. Sage Schreiner Nigil, noble from a far-distant land -- Kevin Osborn Tron, a resourcefull elf -- Matt Grossman Norel, a big ranger of the Adri forest -- Tom Morin Laurallie, an unlucky Elf priestess -- Claudia Darcy All others -- J. Sage Schreiner The party prepares to camp on a hillock in the swamp. The horses crop the marsh grass unenthusiastically. The dense fog rises, almost blocking out the sight of the moon. Tron has first watch, while the rest of the party sleeps. Tron: (peers into the darkness) Norel: Zzzz.. Ow! The ranger wakes to see a giant centipede has just bitten him. It is almost two feet long. Norel: [spuck] Yuck, I hope there aren't more of those things around. The party goes back to sleep. Horses: Neigh! Tron: What's happening? (sees that Gaspard's war horse is trampling another giant centipede into the muck) Whoah! A spider the size of a dinner plate drops on the elf and tries to bite him. Fortunately Tron brushes it off at the last moment. Tron: [spuck] Hmm, don't stand under the trees... Suddenly with a clatter of mandibles giant centipedes swarm onto the hillock from all sides and boil up from the ground. Some are the two foot long ones that the party has seen before, but there are several that are fifteen feet long. The party wakes and quickly defeats them, but not before several party members are bitten. Tron is the most affected by the monsters' poison. Tron: Oooh, I don't feel too good... Laurallie: Well, you have to keep watch. I need my sleep. [yawn] Tron: I wonder if this place is the sacred centipede burial ground or something. Ilde: Ick. Nigil: These things smell aweful. Time passes. The remaining moon (Luna) rises above the mists, and the characters can clearly see that there appears to be a bite taken out of it. Norel: That's not good. Laurallie: That must be the Devourer at work. Because of their uncomfortable positions in the mud and the huge number of biting insects, the party finds it basically impossible to get to sleep. Nigil: [slap] What do these things eat when they can't get adventurers? After four hours Tron's watch is over, and Laurallie takes over. Laurallie: See, we can rest our minds in the strange path of elven dreams, so we don't need to sleep as much as you humans. Sapphire: Hey, I need sleep too! Time passes... Laurallie: Wake up! Giant lobsters! And more centipedes! The party has been sleeping with their weapons in hand, and they spring to their feet as another horde of centipedes swarm the hillock. Behind the centipedes are four giant lobster-like monsters. Laurallie: Prepare the melted butter! [snicker] Tron: Mmmm, the battlefield sure looks good tonight! [snicker] Norel: Where'd I put my lobster cracker? [snicker] Ian: I dunno, those things look pretty bad... The centipedes are weak and do not pose much of a problem for the party, since the fighters are mostly strong enough to resist their venom. The lobstermen, however, are a different matter. Nigil: I see the buffet is restless tonight! [snicker] Lobsterman#1: (grabs Nigil in its claws and lifts him off the ground) [crunch] Nigil: Ouch! (drops his sword and stabs at the creature with his dagger) Uh-oh. (he sees his blows glance harmlessly off the lobsterman's shell) Lobsterman#2: (grabs Laurallie) [crunch] Laurallie: Arrgh! Help! Norel: Who put the cleric in the front rank? Ian: Umm, wasn't me. Sapphire: (drops her crossbow and closes with one of the creatures, dodging its claws) Take that! [stab] Lobsterman#3: (chitters menacingly at the gnome) Lobsterman#4: (grabs Gaspar) Gaspar: Nooo! (breaks free and hacks the monster with his sword) Lobsterman#4: (grabs Tron with its other claw) Tron: Ooops. Lobsterman#1: (brings Nigil to its tentacles, which are coated with paralyzing venom) Nigil: (struggles in vain to break the massive creature's grip). My wips ah num. Ilde: Hang on, I'll save you! [stab] Lobsterman#1: (grabs Ilde in its other claw) Lobsterman#2: (paralyzes Laurallie) Norel: We're in trouble now. The ranger sees that he cannot get close to the monsters without being grabbed by a claw. Norel: Good thing I carry a nine foot long spear with me everywhere. (readies this weapon) Come on! Lobsterman#2: (drops Laurallie and advances on Norel) Jainos: (casts a spell and rises into the air) Ian: Hey, he's running away! Gaspar: [hack chop] Tron: Urrgh! [breaks free of Lobsterman#4] Oathbow, I swear to kill this lobster dude! [twang] Dammit! Lobsterman#4: (grabs Tron) Tron: Not again! Lobsterman#1: (squeezes Ilde) [crunch] Ilde: Ugh. (falls unconscious) Nigil: (paralyzed) Tron: (breaks free from the claw again) That one is mine! [twang] Dammit! Gaspar: (charges the lobsterman holding Ilde) Die! [hack chop slay] Jainos: Ahem. [bzort bzort bzort bzort bzort] Lobsterman#1: [thud] The other lobstermen flee into the swamp. Jainos chases them down and kills one with his magic. Gaspar heals Ilde, and when Laurallie recovers from her paralysis she heals the wounded. Jainos: I saw what looked like a village about a mile that way. Tron: Did you get the one I swore to kill? I have to kill that one! Jainos: No, the surviving two went into a lake about a mile the other way. I think that's their lair. I didn't follow them. This place is too dangerous. However, nothing further occurs that night, although the party does not get much sleep. At dawn two lizardmen appear. Laurallie: Let's parley with them. Tron: What does that word mean? The priestess persuades the lizardmen to come closer and soon they are all sitting around a fire eating lobsterman. Nigil: Mmmph. The tail is pretty good. Although the priestess is unable to speak the lizardman language, with her magic she is able to understand what the creatures are saying. She learns that the names of these two are Hssso and Essek. The lizardmen leave and go back to their village, and soon return to tell Laurallie that the chief of their tribe wants to meet the party. The adventurers pack up and follow the lizardmen into the swamp, and soon arrive at a small village surrounded by a palisade. The party is conducted into the largest hut, where they find a and a witchdoctor and a lizardman they assume to be the chief. The chief is lying on a pallet and appears to be ill. The witchdoctor is waving some rattles and bones, apparently to no effect. After some experiment they discover that the chief can speak Goblin, which Sapphire also speaks. Chief: You warm bloods have heap plenty powerful ju-ju. You kill chuul. This my ju-ju man, him medicine be no good. You be for heal me? Cold blood ju-ju (cough) work no more. Gaspar: Hieronyous, cure this man, er, I mean lizard. Chief: (immediately begins to breathe more easily, and his wattles become a healthy green) Wagh! Warm blood have heap powerful ju-ju. I be for sleep now, you come talk talk me later same day. The party is conducted to two huts where they can rest. They find one hut occupied by two lizard children. Like all the lizard children they have seen so far, these look malnourished. Norel: I wonder if those lobstermen are competing with the lizardmen for food around here? Nigil: More likely they're feeding on the lizardmen. Tron: Whatever. (goes up to lizard children) Boo! Lizard children: (shriek and run out) Tron: Bedtime. Zzz... As the party sleeps, Laurallie keeps watch. She hears scuffling from the back of the hut... Lizardchild: Boo! Tron: Gaaah! [shing] You little... Lizardchild: Hee hee. (runs away) Laurallie has to spend the next few hours chasing lizard children away as they attempt to play this great game with the warm bloods. By the early afternoon the chief has awakened and sends for the party again. Tron: We gotta go kill those lobsters. I have to kill that one I swore to kill. Chief: Chuul live in lake to south. Lizard man walk there and back easy. But chuul also live with heap old woman, very bad ju-ju. They be for killing lizardmen. Our hunters be getting small bush pig, all lizardmen be heap hungry. Nigil: Heap old woman, huh? Wonder what that is? Laurallie: Maybe a hag. Could be bad news. Norel: Let's do it. The party leaves Ian, Ilde, and Sapphire behind in the village. Ilde: But I'm a princess! Nigil: Part of leadership is knowing when to delegate. I do it all the time. Hssoo leads the party through the swamp for about an hour, taking a very roundabout route. Finally he stops on the shores of a lake. About two hundred yards away is a small island. Hssoo: (points at a cave on the island and fades back into the swamp) Norel: Ok, let's make a plan now, so we have one to abandon when the fighting starts. Jainos uses his magic to make Gaspar, Tron, and Norel fly. Laurallie can use her magic to walk on air, and the other three can carry Jainos and Nigil. They fly across the the island, then Tron flies ahead to scout out the cave. He flies a short distance into the cave and hears clicking sounds from inside, then flies back to report. Tron: I think they're in there and they're all asleep. Let's go, quietly! Laurallie waits near a tree outside the cave. Tron enters the cave first, followed at a distance of about thirty feet by the rest of the party. Just as they are entering the cave... Tree: (turns into a ten-foot tall, hideously ugly crone wearing too much makeup) Heh heh. (blasts the party entering the cave with fire from heaven) Lobstermen: (charge out of the lake) Laurallie: Yikes! (climbs up in the air) Nigil: (only lightly scorched, he drops to the ground and charges the hag) Yaaaah! [hack] Hag: (wounded, she retreats) Lobsterman: (grabs Nigil) Nigil: Not again! The party fans out to attack the lobstermen and the hag. Meanwhile, in the cave... Tron: (looks around the corner and sees three giant centipedes) Uh-oh. [twang twang twang] Phew. The elf flies out of the cave and shoots at the hag. Hag: Ouch! (casts a spell, surrounding herself with a dense cloud of fog) Laurallie: She's in there somewhere. Gaspar is fighting one of the lobstermen, while Jainos is blasting another one with his magic. Tron: Don't kill that one! (flies out to take a shot at the lobsterman Gaspar is fighting) Gaspar: [hack chop] Norel flies into the fog and lands. Norel: By the power of earth, be held! The brambles and weeds around the ranger suddenly lift into the air, grasping and choking. The lobsterman Gaspar is fighting is also caught in the area of effect. Norel: (entangled) Dammit, I didn't mean me! Urgh! Ugh! Hag: (with her great strength and size, she breaks through the entanglement and attacks the ranger) Heh heh. Norel: Um, help! Jainos: (blasts a lobsterman with his magic) Lobsterman: (badly wounded) Laurallie: [poke] Lobsterman: [thud] Lobsterman: (paralyzes Nigil) Nigil (thinks): I don't believe this! Tron: Don't kill it! [twang] Dammit! Gaspar: [cleave] Lobsterman: (cut in half, dies instantly) Tron: Bah! Stupid bow! (throws down his bow, draws his scimitar, and flies into the mist) Gaspar: Wh-wh-what was th-th-that all about? The elf flies into the fog and locates the hag by sound. Tron: (backstab) Take that! Hag: (turns and attacks the elf, badly wounding him) Tron: Help! Norel: I'm trying! Urgh! Ugh! Stupid plants! Tron: [hack stab] Hag: [claw claw bite] Tron: I'm outta here! (flies out of the fog) Laurallie: (hovering above the fog, she descends into it and finds herself behind the hag) Oh mighty Obad-Hai, smite this unnatural and ecologically unfriendly monster! [bzort] Hag: Arrgh! Tron: (flies back into fog and backstabs the hag again) Take that! Again! Hag: Urk. [thud] Tron: And stay down! [stab stab] Norel: Umm, could you give me a hand here? I'm sorta stuck... The party explores the hag's cave and finds the bones of many adventurers who have gone before. They also find a great quantity of treasure, equipment, and miscellaneous valuables such as furs. Unfortunately most of it is rotted, rusted, or otherwise ruined by the damp of the swamp. However, the party recovers a great number of coins, some valuable items of female jewelry, and a mace and falchion that have escaped the general decay. Laurallie: According to my magic, the mace is magical, but the falchion is not. It's still a fine weapon. Nigil: Humph. The longsword is the only weapon of a true warrior. Gaspar: T-t-too sm-sm-small for me. The party spends the rest of the day packing up treasure and arrives back at the lizardman village near dark. They bring the tasty parts of the lobstermen and the hag's head with them. The lizardmen celebrate the defeat of these powerful monsters with a party and feast. The hag's head is set on a stake, near the rotting heads and skulls of other enemies of the lizardmen. Chief: Warm bloods killum heap chuul, hag too. How can cold bloods help warm bloods? The party explains that they are trying to get to Ratikhill, and the lizardman chief agrees to send a guide to show them a way through the swamp that will take them to close to the city. Chief: Cold bloods no go-um near warm bloods' great village. Heap dangerous, sometimes warm bloods kill lizardmen. Sometimes lizardmen kill warm bloods. Warm bloods heap tasty. (sigh) Laurallie: Have you noticed that your prayers are not working? Chief: (after a quick conversation with his witch doctor) Semunya not answer prayers of cold bloods. We have done something to anger Semunya. Laurallie tries to explain that Semunya has been eaten by the Devourer, but the lizardmen are skeptical. Chief: Semunya him heap strong! No other god be stronger than Semunya! Eventually the cleric convinces him, and gets him to promise to kill any ratmen that he finds. Chief: We see ratmen small-small time past, they make for to fight cold bloods, we kill them chop-chop. Other ratmen come, we kill them. Cold blood braves best fighters in swamp, heap strong. Laurallie also tries to convert the lizardmen to the worship of Obad-Hai, but is not so successful. Chief: Semunya strongest god! Semunya be stronger than warm bloods' god! Tron: Have you heard of Pholtus? Pholtus is the strongest god! Sapphire: I'm not going to translate that. Laurallie: As a further token of our friendship, please take this falchion. Chief: (hefts the falchion) Waggh! This be heap fine weapon. You always be friend of lizard man, as long as sun shines and water runs. The party rests in the village for the next day, then spends two days traveling through the swamp, guided by Hssso. Near the end of the second day, they reach the end of the swamp and see hills rising to the south. They head into the heather and bracken of the highlands of southern Ratik. At this point they are reunited with Norel's panther. Norel: I keep forgetting about her. They find traces of hoofprints near the swamp and decide to make a forced march, which takes them into the hills. The next day they turn west, and in the morning encounter a small patrol of mounted soldiers from Ratikhill. They continue and soon come into sight of Ratikhill, an imposing city built on a hill. It looks like it could be a strong fortress. Three concentric walls surround the town, seperating the outer, inner and citadel portions of the city. The city is obviously crowded, and from a distance the party can see and smell the bustle of mercenaries within the walls. Nigil: Yet another wretched hive of scum and villainy. Tron: We should fit right in. The party decides to split up. Ian and Sapphire will go in separately, as will Tron and Laurallie. The rest of the party will follow. They will try to get rooms at different inns, and then meet and work out a plan for defeating Gabriel and saving the kingdom. As they approach the gate, they see a gallows with three dwarves hanging from it. A group of extremely angry looking dwarves are standing around the base of the gallows, daring anyone to dishonor the dead. There is a placard near the gallows. Tron: What does that say? Norel: "Guilty of Sedition" Laurallie: (to a dwarf) For an honorable burial. (drops some coins into his hand) Dwarf: (throws the coins to the ground and stomps on them) Get out of here before I kill you! Laurallie: What? What did I do? Dwarf: (grinds his teeth in rage) Laurallie: Don't you want to bury your friend? I just... urk! Tron: (yanks the cleric away from the enraged dwarves) Norel: They can't bury them. That's why they're so mad. They were probably ordered to keep them up for a certain period of time. Laurallie: Bah. Dwarves. Too much hair, no sense of style. Ratikhill is crowded with mercenaries, men-at-arms, peasant soldier's and Ratik's knights, and the only inns that might have space are the Howling Harlot and the Wailing Wench. Ian and Sapphire try the former, and the elves and the others try the latter. The Wailing Wench is a seedy and dilapidated inn, located only a few feet from the cliff edge. Tron: We'd like a room for two. Innkeeper: Lemme see the color of your money. Tron: (shows the innkeeper a gold piece) Innkeeper: 1 silver piece per person per day. Take it or leave it. Tron: (gives the innkeeper a gold piece) Innkeeper: Your rooms are in back. Laurallie: "In back"... would that be the stables? Innkeeper: Nooo... well, sort of. And I think Flatulent Frank and Olaf the Strangler are back there too, but I'm sure you can work something out with them. The elves go "round back" and find that it is, indeed, the stables. They start mucking out the stalls to create a clean place to sleep. Soon the rest of the party shows up, except for Ian and Sapphire. Ilde: This place is filthy. Laurallie: Humans are disgusting. Nigil: (mutters) Women! Norel: This is pretty foul. It's a good thing I left my panther outside. Laurallie: She's not *your* panther! There are still some hours of daylight left. Laurallie decides to go and meet with Nisha, the high priestess of Pelor, who is supposedly in the citadel. Jainos accompanies her. Jainos: I don't believe that it is safe for an unaccompanied woman to walk around in this town. Laurallie: Why would that be? They go up to the inner city, which is surrounded by a stone wall. Here the buildings are much nicer and the streets are cleaner. Suddenly, they are almost ridden down by a nobleman. He is completely drunk, riding a horse with a naked woman slung across the saddlebow. He is hanging onto the reins with one hand and alternately spanking the woman and slapping the horse with the other. A little ways behind him trail some men who are obviously his bodyguards. Laurallie: I'm appalled... Jainos: Err, I'm appalled too. They stop to ask directions from some soldiers. Laurallie: Where is the citadel? Sir. Soldier: Don't call me sir. I work for a living. And who wants to know? Laurallie: I'm a healer. I've come to this town to help Nisha heal the wounded and sick. Soldier: Why? Laurallie: Because I'm a priestess! It's what I do! Soldier: Uh, whatever. The citadel's that way. Laurallie: Why should that be a problem? I want to heal people. Jainos: (stands behind Laurallie and twirls his finger around his ear) Soldier: Ohhh... well, ya know, I could do with some "healing" if you know what I mean... Laurallie: What do you... urk! Jainos: (drags Laurallie away) Laurallie: I just don't understand humans! They go up to the citadel. The guards hassle them, but finally allow them to enter. outside a fancy tent marked with the sign of a Pelor they find several suplicants waiting. However, they do not find the priestess and return to the inn. Nigil spends time gambling with several of the "locals" and learns that there is a general feeling of discontent. Ugly gambler: Anyone with half a brain is getting out of here as fast as their legs can carry them. Norel walks through the lower city and overhears similar thoughts. People are on edge, and lack effective leadership. Morale is poor. Meanwhile, Tron has been wandering around looking for signs of a thieves guild. He has almost given up hope when he sees a locksmith's shop called "Keys to the City". Tron: Hmm, worth a try. He goes inside and sees a halfling behind the counter talking to a customer. It is Mouse, the halfling from the keep. Tron waits until the customer has left. Tron: Hey Mouse, remember me? Mouse: Tron!?! I heard you were dead! Mouse explains that shortly after the fall of the keep his third cousin in Ratik died and left him property. He moved up north and has been living happily in Ratikhill for the last year or so. Mouse: (jerks his thumb towards the back of the shop, from which the clatter of pots and pans can be heard) I'm even married now. I like it much better here than in the south. Humans here are more tolerant and there's more of my people around. So what's happened with you? Tron: Oh, I'm still walking the earth seeking adventure. I'm here with Norel and Nigil, you remember them. Mouse: What about the handsome one? Tron: Aran? Uh, he, uhh, bought the farm. So did Skanda, actually, which is why I'm here... Tron also discloses what the party has learned about Gabriel. Mouse: But he's around here! I haven't met him personally, but I've seen him and recognized him. I don't move in his kind of social circles. I think he's outside of the city now. Hmmm, if what you say about him is true, moving here might have been a mistake... Tron: It's true, in Pholtus' name! Mouse: (raises an eyebrow) Tron slips the halfling some money, and Mouse agrees to keep his eyes and ears open, and try to find out what he can about Gabriel's movements and any plots that may be afoot against the city. Mouse also confirms that there is not much of a thieves guild in Ratikhill. Mouse: It's too dangerous with all of these mercenaries around. Plus, this is a pretty small town normally and you can't really hide that kind of thing. And justice is pretty harsh and quick. Tron goes back to the inn. The party spends an uncomfortable night in the stables, frequently interrupted by their neighbors: Frank: Watch me light this one! [braaaap] Whoops. Olaf: Don't worry, I'll put it out. [sssssss] Ow ow ow ow ow! Frank: Sounds like you got the Keoish disease. Olaf: Yeah, all the wenches at the Screaming Slut have it. Frank: Damn, that means I got it too. Olaf: I'm gonna go see the barber tomorrow. A dose of mercury should clear it up. Frank: I prefer Baklunish traditional medicine to Oeridian medicine. It's more in touch with nature. I need to find a witch-woman to stick pins in me. The next day: Ilde: What is this food? Innkeep: It's porridge. Norel: I think this is the worst breakfast I've ever paid this much for. Nigil: The hell with this. I'm going to get some real food. The fighter heads up to the inner city. As he walks along the street, looking for a restaurant, he hears the screams of a woman in distress. Nigil: I can't ignore this! [shing] The fighter runs into the house the noise is coming from and finds a middle-aged matron standing on her kitchen counter, holding off a giant rat with a frying pan. Nigil: Allow me. [spuck] Rat: [thud] Woman: Thank you so much for saving me! My name is Mingie. Please, allow me to cook you breakfast. First, help me block off the drain that monster came out of. I don't like to think that there might be more of those things in the sewers. Nigil: Er, ok. As Nigil eats Mingie harangues him about the size and ferocity of the rat, how the town is going downhill, how Uma the baker is in league with the orcs, what a fine young man Nigil is, and so on. Nigil: Do you know if a Lord Crawford is in Ratikhill? Mingie: sign of a big bird? Yes, he's just a few blocks away, that rat was really scary, Gabriel is the hope of the kingdom, blah blah blah... Nigil extricates himself from the inn and follows her directions, which are not quite correct. However, he eventually finds Lord Crawford and Bran. They are staying in the city as part of the army, and they invite Nigil and the rest of the party to a dinner that night. Nigil returns to the stables and reports to the rest of the party. Norel: I bet there are ratmen in the sewers. They're probably plotting an attack on the town or something. Or maybe they have a temple down there. Tron: I'll ask Mouse about the sewers. We brothers of the high road are supposed know about these things. Laurallie: I guess I'll go heal the sick. Tron asks Mouse about the sewers, and learns that there is rumored to be an extensive complex of tunnels beneath the city. However, Mouse does not know the details. That evening they go to a dinner at Lord Crawford's house. Ilde and Gaspar stay behind in the stables. The food is good and the wine flows freely. Crawford: There's no doubt that the orcs will attack this summer. Our army's not in such great shape, since the king hung those dwarves. That was a stupid thing to do. We need the dwarves, they're the best soldiers we have. Nigil: What reason did the king have? Crawford: [hic] I'm sure he had some reason. Our esteemed monarch does nothing without a reason. At least the chief of the dwarves, Dalek, is staying with a few followers. But the rest of them marched out this morning. Norel: Dalek? Laurallie: [snicker] Crawford: Dalek Foehammer. Short legs, beard. Tron starts singing, and several of the soldier/servants join in. Tron: We be Souldiers three, Pardonez moy je vouz en prie: Lately come forth of the low country, With never a penny of mony. Here good fellow I drinke to thee, Pardonez moy je vouz en prie: To all good fellowes where ever they be, With never a penny of mony. And he that will not pledge me this, Pardonez moy je vous en prie: Payes for the shot what ever it is, With never a penny of mony. Charge it again boy, charge it again. Pardonez moy je vouz en prie: As long as you have any incke in your pen, With never a penny of mony. Crawford: How did you learn that song? That's my favorite song! [hic] Tron: [thump] Hey, who put the floor on the ground? Norel: No more wine for the elf! [snicker] Laurallie: (shaking her head and thinking how associating with humans has corrupted Tron) Crawford: No, Gabriel is our only hope. He's a great leader of men. He's a paladin sworn to serve Pholtus. I heard that he's from Tenh, and barely escaped when the barbarians overran that kingdom. There's a story there, I'm sure. Nigil: (grinds his teeth) Eventually the party winds down, with most of the party being unable to move. They sleep at Crawford's house and go home in the morning. Tron: Ohh, my head hurts. What happened? Nigil: Don't talk so loudly. Ohhh. Laurallie: So, we're going to explore the sewers today, right? Norel: Maybe we'd better wait until the afternoon. TO BE CONTINUED...