Episode 25
"Our Man in Niborg"
(c) 2001 by Matt Grossman and J. Sage Schreiner

Tron Malkaszar, an irreverant elf -- Matt Grossman
Norel Bolderdash, hulking woodsman of the Adri forest -- Tom Morin
Nigil Palom, noble from a far-distant land -- Kevin Osborn
Aran, a newly remade Paladin from Tenh -- AJ Drexel
Sapphire nee Tika, a courageous gnome -- Corey Paganucci
Rhahid, a mysterious spell-crafter -- Eric Kruller 
Thorwolf Lokhold, an uncouth northman -- Benjamin King
All others -- Sage Schreiner

The characters wake up in "The Drowned Gnome" in Niborg.  They go
downstairs and bathe.  The baths are two tubs set out in the common
room.

Aran: Ladies first.
Thorwolf: Heh heh.

Skanda and Sapphire bathe, followed by the others.  The water is not
changed.

Norel: Nigil, is this your snot?
Aran: Fortunately my god prevents me from getting diseased.
Nigil: Sometimes I wonder if my life can get more debased.  Then
something like this happens...

As Thorwolf is bathing, an attractive woman comes downstairs.  She
appears to be the innkeeper's wife.

Thorwolf: Hi. (stands up) Want to hear about the time I killed a
wyvern?
Woman: [snicker] (heads into the kitchen)
Thorwolf: Bah.  She must be a lesbian.

After they have finished bathing they debate what to do.  Suddenly
there is a knock on the door.  They open it and find... Rhahid!

Rhahid: Hi guys, I thought I would find you here.
Tron: How did you get here past the wendol?
Rhahid: The what?  I just took a boat from Marner. Thorfinn's men
said you would be here.
Nigil: How did your training go?
Rhahid: That wizard is such a jerk.  He would only teach me a couple
of spells, and I had to pay through the nose for them.  When this
adventure is over, we have got to go to a civilized land.
Thorwolf: Do you want a bath?
Rhahid: (looks at the water in the tubs and shudders) No... no, I am
clean now.

They decide that Aran will bury Desh's body, while the rest of the
party goes and sees if they can join the mercenary army that Jhaveks
is forming.  They head towards the dock.

Aran: So, Hagbert, where is the graveyard?
Hagbert: We don't have one.  If you want to get rid of a body, give it
to the halflings.
Aran: What do they do with the bodies?
Hagbert: Who knows?  I've heard that they drink the blood of humans as
part of their rituals.  And they all wear these little hats to hide
the horns coming out of their heads.  And they loan money and charge
interest.  And...
Aran: Ok, ok, just tell me where they are.

The halfling ghetto is in the lowest, swampiest part of the city.
Aran slings Desh's body on his back and heads there.  His surcoat is
turned inside-out so nobody can recognize him as a knight of
Hieroneous.

Aran: Deception makes me sick, but sometimes it's necessary.  I hope
that Hieroneous will give me the strength to see this mission through.

Aran ends up in front of a small halfling religious building.

Aran: Hmmm, this looks sort of like a church of Hieroneous.  Perhaps
the halflings follow the true faith after all...
Halfling Priest: (hastily adjusting his skullcap) Whaddya want?
Aran: I wish to bury the body of my squire.
Priest: Just put him on the doorstep with two coppers.
Aran: What will you do with the body?
Priest: Ummm... do you care?
Aran: You don't throw them over the wall do you?
Priest: Only in the wintertime... ummm, I mean, no, we don't.
Aran: You burn them, right?
Priest: Errr... yeah... Big pyre. That's right.
Aran: I'm going to burn this body, and you're going to help me.

He stoops and enters the temple.

Aran: Strange, you don't have any images of Hieroneous here.  What
kind of church is this?  And what's with all these scrolls?  And
where's the sacrificial ax?
Priest: ...
Aran: I guess in the north they do things differently.  Do you have
any place, other than your altar, where we can light a fire?
Priest: ...
Aran: Ah, this courtyard should do.  How much does that wood cost?
Priest: Erm... two silver.  There's a wood shortage you see, and...

Aran: (tosses him the money and builds Desh a funeral pyre, soaking it
well with oil) Mighty Hieroneous, receive into your heaven this one
who died in your service, that he may join your immortal host and
fight forever for the cause of righteousness.  And if he doesn't make
the cut, send him somewhere else where he'll be happy.  Amen. (lights
the pyre)

The paladin and the halfling stand watching the fire, until the
remains of the boy have been consumed.  Then Aran tosses the priest
two gold pieces.

Aran: Thank you for helping with the funeral.

He heads back to the inn.

Meanwhile, the rest of the party reached the docks.

Tron: (starts counting the ships) One, two, three...
Soldiers: (watch the party for a while, then wander over) What are you
folks doing here?  And why are you all wearing massive backpacks?
Nigil: We are, uh, the company of the Bleeding Sword.  We have come to
this city because we heard they were hiring mercenaries.
Thorwolf: Surely you have heard of our mighty deeds?
Soldier: No.  And no way will Garflinn God-Hater hire an elf.  Or a
woman.  Or a... a... whatever that is. (points at Sapphire)
Thorwolf: This elf is a mighty warrior.  He could easily kill you.
Tron: Yeah, what he said.
Soldier: Whatever.  Anyways, if you head up to the castle I'm sure some
of you (glances at the meatball brigade) could get hired.

They head towards the castle.

Norel: "The company of the Bleeding Sword"?
Nigil: It was all I could think of.

They reach the gates of the castle.

Guard: No elves or... things allowed.
Tron: I wouldn't wanna go in there anyway.
Sapphire: Grrr.
Skanda: I will stay out here.
Tron: Let's go back to the inn and see if Aran is finished burying Desh.

Norel, Nigil, Rhahid, and Thorwolf are allowed into the castle.  They
walk through a courtyard where soldiers are drilling with various kinds
of weapons.  A lone warrior is practicing on the battlements with a
greatsword.

Nigil: Whoever that is, he's good.  Though in my opinion the
greatsword is inferior to the longsword and shield.
Norel: Aran doesn't think so.
Nigil: Humph.

They are escorted into the keep and into the company of a dwarf.

Dwarf: I'm Garflinn God-Hater, captain of this unit.  So you guys
wanna be soldiers, huh?
Nigil: Actually, we're already soldiers.  We're mercenaries.
Garflinn: Whatever.  It's two silver a day.  Just put your mark
there.
Rhahid: Ahem.  I am not a mercenary.  I am a wizard, a master of
thaumaturgic...
Garflinn: We got one of them already.  Two silver, just like the rest.
Rhahid: Two silver?  Bah.
Thorwolf: What about plunder?  And women?
Garflinn: You may keep whatever you can carry.
Thorwolf: Sounds good to me.  Give me the pen, short one.
Rhahid: See you, guys.  I am going back to the inn.

The other three are taken in charge by a sergeant, Ulfrimm.  He leads
them to the barracks.

Ulfrimm: All right you maggots, you're in the army now!  You will
address me as "Sir!" at all times.  You will do everything I say!  Do
I make myself clear?!  These are your beds!  You will leave your gear
here!  You will be issued weapons and armor!
Nigil: I would rather use my longsword.  It is no normal weapon.  Sir.
Norel: I never take my pack off.
Ulfrimm: You will use the weapon you are issued and like it, soldier,
or you will be flogged!  Now, the rules:  No drinking, no singing, and
no sodomy in the barracks!  That's no sodomy!  Understand?
Norel: ...
Thorwolf: What is this guy's problem?
Nigil: I'm not leaving my sword here.

They leave their non-valuable possessions in the barracks, and are
taken to the armory, where they are issued breastplates and halberds.

Ulfrimm: You are in my company!  Company, atten-shun!
Nigil: I already remember why I left the army.
Norel: I thought mercenaries were more laid back than this.
Nigil: They usually are.
Thorwolf: Hey, sarge, how do we get out of this chickenshit outfit?
Ulfrimm: (points to a gallows) Desertion is punishable by death!  Do
you understand!  Company, present...arms!  About face!  March!
Nigil: This is gonna be a long day...

Meanwhile, back in the inn...

Aran: And they have these weird skullcaps and these things hanging out
of their shirts, and...
Rhahid: We should go and see if we can pick up any rumors in the bars
here.  Hey, innkeeper, are there any good bars around here?
Tron: Or bad ones.
Hagbert: The only bar is The Wooden Nipple down near the docks.

They go to this bar.  It is as dismal as everything else is in Niborg.

Rhahid: Thorfinn said that his spy was a merchant.  We should make
contact with him.
Sapphire: So what's his name?
Rhahid: Umm...
Aran: Errr...
Tron: Huh.
Rhahid: Wench!  More ale!  And do you know of any merchants here in
town?
Wench:  My name's Trud.  And yes, I do.  What's it worth to you,
stranger?
Tron: Amazing, a woman whose name doesn't end in "a".
Skanda: She probably changed it just to be different.
Rhahid: Tell us of this merchant, Trud. (tosses her a silver)
Trud: Well, his name is Geff and he has a stone house near the temple
of Osprim.  He's wintering here, you see.  Sigrid, another girl who
works here, is shacked up with him, ya know. (presses her vast bosom
against Tron as she leans in to refill his mug)
Rhahid: Fascinating.  Tell me more.
Trud: I've been over there a couple times.  He's got all kinds of
stuff there.  He's got... exotic... tastes, if ya know what I
mean. (winks suggestively at Tron)
Tron: (gulp)
Rhahid: Thank you, Trud.

They leave and head towards Geff's house.

Aran: Let me handle the talking this time.  (knocks on the door)

A barely-pretty woman in a houserobe opens it.

Woman: What do you want?
Aran: We wish to speak with Geff.  We have... business with him. (slaps
his sword hilt)
Woman: Geff, it's for you!
Geff: (calls from inside the house) Tell them I'm not here!
Aran: You cannot fool us!
Geff: Bah.  Come in then.

The merchant is a man who is well dressed and suave, even when in his
sleeping shirt.  He pours himself a glass of wine as the party comes
inside.  The woman leaves the house surreptitiously.

Aran: All right, Geff.  Thorfinn sent us.  He's displeased with your
reports.  Now either tell us everything you know, or we'll kill you.
Rhahid: ...
Sapphire: ...
Tron: ...
Skanda: ...
Geff: (raises an eyebrow and takes a sip of wine)  What are you
talking about?
Aran: You must be the wrong guy.  Now we have to kill you to keep our
mission secret.
Sapphire: Tron, aren't you going to kill him?
Tron: You kill him.
Aran: (draws his sword) I'm gonna do it!  I'm really gonna do it!
Admit you're the spy or I'll kill you!
Skanda: (admires the wainscoting)
Rhahid: No, wait, guys, he must really be the spy.  He just isn't
admitting it.
Sapphire: Whoa.  He's good.
Rhahid: But now we have to kill him anyway.
Skanda: I'm not with these people.
Geff: Ahh, this '58 Chateau d'Amberville is really something.  Oh,
were you talking to me?

At this point there is a knocking on the door.

Voice: Open up, it's the guard!
Tron: So, are you going to go out the back window?
Geff: It's more like, are _you_ going to go out the back window?
Rhahid: Quick, everybody, hide!

Geff goes out and speaks with the guards.  They leave.  Geff comes
back in.

Geff: It seems Sigrid was worried.  You owe me twenty silver.  Now
shall we start again, this time on the right foot?
Tron: (pays Geff twenty silver) We're spies for Thorfinn.  We're
looking for information on Jhaveks' plans.  If you were not spying
already, it might be profitable to start now.
Geff: I like the sound of this.  Let's talk business...

It turns out that Geff has a pretty good idea of the men and ships
that Jhaveks has in Niborg, and who the personalities are in the town.

Geff: Jhaveks is in his winter house upriver, not in the castle.
Oscar is running the town by day, but the Ripper runs it by night.
He's head of the thieves guild.  Helge is his right hand man, but word
is that there's trouble in those quarters.  Garflinn is captain of the
mercenaries.  Jan Woodsmith is the master shipwright.  They'll be
ready to move by Planting with 12 ships and 400 men.  I hear that he's
expecting Thorfinn to attack, and has a surprise ready.  Also, Jhaveks
has a spy in Thorfinn's court, but I don't know who it is.
Rhahid: Do you know anything about this wizard they have working for
them?
Geff: I saw him once, he was all glowing blue and his hair was
standing on end.  It's rumored that his, err, "girlfriend", to stretch
the term, is a half-orc barbarian.
Sapphire: Yuck.

They spend a lot of time talking and trying to figure out a plan.  In
the end, they decide to use Rhahid's magic to make Tron fly and be
invisible, and send him into the barracks to make contact with Norel,
Nigil, and Thorwolf.

Meanwhile, at the castle:

Soldiers: (marching around the courtyard singing) I wanna be a
seaborne ranger, I wanna live a life of danger!
Nigil: I hate the army.
Ulfrimm: [whack] Shut up and stay in step, you dogs!  Or we'll do this
all night!

That night Tron flies into the castle invisibly and rendezvous with
the fighters.

Norel: GET US OUT!
Tron: How?
Norel: Figure something out.  This is a nightmare!  These guys are
crazy!
Thorwolf: Hey, at least they are paying us.
Tron: We'll send Hooter tomorrow.  Norel, you can talk to animals,
right?
Norel: I will prepare the spell.
Tron: You guys should figure out some kind of distraction you can use
while we burn the boats.  Though Rhahid and Aran have been arguing all
day and haven't figured anything out yet...
Nigil: They guard us so closely, we don't even know what's inside the
inner keep.
Thorwolf: Hey, better go Tron, I think I hear the sarge.

Tron flies around the castle a bit after leaving them.  He sees a
massive half-orc woman on the battlements, who seems to smell him.

Tron: At least that part of the story is true.  Yuck.

The elf also sees a woman entering the castle.  It is the innkeeper's
wife.  She goes into a small outbuilding.  Tron flies lower and
listens...

Garflinn: Ahh, come sit on your daddy's knee, heh heh heh.
Tron: That's interesting...

Next day:

At the castle:

Ulfrimm: All right you maggots!  Up and at 'em!  Halberd practice in
five minutes!
Norel: But the sun's not up yet!
Ulfrimm: [whack] Gods, you pathetic bunch of pansies make me sick!
Now get up, or I'll have you all flogged!
Nigil: Does he ever stop shouting?
Soldier: No.

At the inn...

Aran: Ahh, that breakfast was good.  Now, what shall we do?

They argue.  As they are arguing, a ugly, beaten-looking man and two
hulking fellows walk into the inn.  The innkeeper quickly finds something
to do in another part of the inn.

Man: I'm Helge.  You may have heard of me.  I've heard of you.  You
guys have a lot of stuff here.  It would be a real pity, if, say,
something was to happen to that nice sword you're carrying. What I have
to sell is insurance. Fifty silver for each of you -- which should cover
the length of your stay here.
Aran: Do you hear something?
Tron: I think he said his name was Hilda.
Helge: Don't make fun of me, elf!  It would be a real pity if you was
to lose one of those nice ears!
Tron: I'm not making fun of you, Hilda.
Helge: And it would be pretty bad if your... thing there
had... something bad happen to it (points at Sapphire).
Sapphire: Grrr...
Helge: Yeah, well, just remember what I said, cause we'll be back!
(leaves)

Rhahid: Welcome to Niborg, a town too provincial to even have a good
extortion racket.
Tron: So what are we going to do today?
Aran: We should scout outside the city and see about this surprise
that Jhaveks supposedly has planned for the army.  We will say that
we are going to cut wood.  Wow, I'm really getting into this whole
"espionage" thing aren't I?
Rhahid: Err, yes.

They leave the city and tromp through the snow. The bay that the city
sits on is guarded by two headlands.  On each headland they find a small
stockade, holding perhaps a dozen soldiers.

Rhahid: I guess the wendol don't attack this near the city.
Tron: No sign of any surprise.

Meanwhile, in the castle:

Soldiers: This is my halberd!  There are many like it, but this
halberd is mine!  Without me, my halberd is nothing. Without my
halberd, I am nothing.
Nigil: It's only a pointed stick.
Ulfrimm: Did I hear you refer to your halberd as a "stick", soldier?
Nigil: Halberds suck.  Real fighters use swords.
Ulfrimm: You make me sick, you puling eunuch!  Give me fifty laps now,
or by Hextor I'll flog you!
Nigil: (starts running)
Norel: This sucks.  I wonder how the others are doing?
Thorwolf: They'll be fine as long as they don't do anything stupid like
leave the city.

Meanwhile, outside the city:

Aran: Nobody will believe us if we come back in with no wood.  Let's
go cut some wood.  I have that ax we got off the ratman chief.
Tron: Sounds like a plan.
Rhahid: (daydreaming about the magic items he will make when he becomes
a powerful wizard, he does not notice that the party is approaching
the forest)

Meanwhile, back in the castle:

Nigil: (running in circles, singing) This is my halberd, this is my stick! 
This one's for fighting, this is my dick!

Meanwhile, outside the city...

Aran: This tree will do. [chop chop]
Hooter: Hoo.
Rhahid: What's that, Hooter?  Wendol?  Coming this way?  What are we
doing this far from the city anyway?

A mob of wendol bursts from the woods and attacks the party.

Tron: What were we thinking? Ouch!
Sapphire: Good thing I wear my armor everywhere.
Aran: Arrgh!  What was I thinking?
Rhahid: (casts fly and becomes airborne)
Skanda: (backs away and casts Obscuring Mist) We can't outrun them!
Head into the mist!
Wendol: Grrrrrr...

The fighters are surrounded and fighting back to back.  Things look grim.

Aran: I'm seriously hurt!  Save yourselves!
Tron: (tumbles past the wendol and into the mist)
Sapphire: I'll distract them! (runs past the wendol, her armor protecting her
from their attacks)
Aran: (runs for the mist) Hieroneous forgive me for making a tactical 
repositioning!
Rhahid: Now see my powers!

With the party out of the way, Rhahid has a clear shot at the wendol.  He 
casts Web, trapping almost all of them.

Rhahid: Yess!  I am awesome!  Two silver pieces a day my ass!
Tron: Target practice time...

After the wendol are all killed, the party collects their heads and heads 
back to town.

Aran: Shouldn't we get some wood?
Party: NO!

They go back to town, carrying the heads.

Hooter: Hoo.
Rhahid: Hooter says that there are a bunch of men waiting in front of the 
inn.

Rhahid turns himself invisible, flies over, and identifies one of the men
as Helge.  The others are just enforcers.

Tron: We could kill them all.
Aran: Geff said that the thieves guild is in league with the authorities
here.  So starting trouble like that would probably be a bad thing.
Rhahid: Let's try to bluff them.

The mage casts a sophisticated illusion to double the number of Wendol heads.
The party then goes to the inn.

Helge: There they are!  Umm... hi.
Aran: Hi.
Enforcers: (start backing away)
Aran: We've been chopping wood. (tosses a wendol head to Helge)
Helge: (drops the head)
Party: (walks past mooks and into the inn)
Enforcers: (disperse, leaving the head lying in the street)

Once in the inn, the party rests and applies healing.

Rhahid: Aran, I am never going to take your advice again, ok!  You
almost got us all killed!  Not even Tron would do something so stupid!
Tron: Hey...
Sapphire: At least we got some action.  I wonder how those guys in the
castle are doing?

Meanwhile, back in the castle:

Thorwolf: Bah, this army thing is for losers.
Soldier: I'm sick of your bitching!  We had to do extra pushups because
you called the sergeant a dork!  At lunch, I'm gonna kick your ass!
Thorwolf: No, I will kick your ass!
Soldier: You're going down!
Thorwolf: We will see who is going down!  You will be my bitch!

During lunch:

Soldier: All right, put your dukes up! (takes a swing at Thorwolf)
Thorwolf: Yarr! [punch]

They trade punches for a while.  Then the soldier tries to grapple.

Thorwolf: (headbutts him in the face and knees him in the groin)
Soldier: Oooooo.... (falls)
Thorwolf: Suck it down!  
Sergeants: (rush up and drag Thorwolf off to the brig)

Nigil: Well, that accomplished a lot.
Ulfrimm: He's your friend!  Fifty laps!
Norel: I want out of here...

That night, as the party is relaxing in the inn, there is a knock at the
door.

Tron: Hey, it's Hilda.
Helge: That's Helge.  Shh, I'm here secretly.  I want you guys to kill
the Ripper.
Rhahid: That's your boss, isn't it?
Helge: Yeah.  But you're the only guys I know who can do it.

The party confers.

Rhahid: Ok, we need to think about this more.  
Helge: No problem, when you reach a decision you can contact me through
the urchin at the blacksmith's shop across the street.

He leaves, and the party holds a long discussion about what to do next.
Or rather, Aran, Rhahid, and Tron do.

Rhahid: So then we...
Aran: No!  That won't work.  We need to...
Tron: What was that thing you said earlier about the thing?  I think
it's important...
Skanda: Bah.  Men.
Sapphire: Yup.

Eventually they decide that they will first break Norel, Nigil, and
Thorwolf out of the castle.  Then, they will kill the Ripper.  In
return, they will ask Helge to distract the guards at the shipyard,
and deliver the shipwright Jan Woodsmith to the party gagged and
bound.  Then they will do as much damage as possible to the ships,
steal a fishing boat, and escape.

Tron: I can sail!
Rhahid: I can navigate!
Sapphire: I trust you both... NOT!
Rhahid: We don't have time to do this tonight.  I'll send Hooter to tell
the guys in the castle what the plan is.

Later, in the barracks...

Hooter: Hoo.
Norel: HOO! HOO! HOO-HOO! HOO!
Hooter: Hoo.
Nigil: What's it saying?
Norel: They're going to break us out tomorrow night.
Nigil: They're going to let Thorwolf out of the brig tomorrow, so I
guess that's ok.
Norel: I want out.
Hooter: Hoo.

The next day, the "town" party, fully healed, pays a visit to Geff.

Aran: So do you have any new information?
Geff: Well, I found out where that wizard lives.
Rhahid: He must have awesome spell books guys!  We must kill him and
take them!

The party lays out an elaborate plan for entering the castle and
killing the wizard, while Geff watches in amusement.

Rhahid: ...and then we would be inside the castle!
Tron: And how would we get out?
Rhahid: ...
Aran: Yes, I suppose they would notice a massive battle in the castle.
Tron: I suggest that we stick with the original plan and forget the
wizard for now.
Rhahid: (sigh) All right.
Tron: Why am I the cautious one now?

Meanwhile, back in the castle:

Thorwolf: Hi guys, they let me out of the brig.
Nigil: Hi Thorwolf.
Norel: (sees some guys shooting bows) Hey sarge, how do we get into
the bow unit?
Ulfrimm: You shut up and do what you're told!  Now I want to see those
halberds clean!

That night, the party informs Helge of their needs, and he agrees.
The first part of the plan, springing the fighters from the castle,
goes without a hitch...

Nigil: I'm never going back in there.

As the party is reunited in the inn, there is a knock at the door.  A
huge man enters.

Man: Hi, my name is Morogh.  Helge sent me to get Jon Woodsmith, the
shipwright.
Aran: And?
Morogh: Well... I really like his daughter, see, and if you take him away,
I think his daughter might be in trouble.
Aran: Why?
Morogh: Ummm... she's with him. I'm not sure she wanted to be. But if Jan gets
taken away, things might be hard for her.

The party has a big discussion about what to do.

Rhahid: Can you bring Jan over here?
Morogh: Ummm... ok.

He leaves and returns with the shipwright.

Jon: What's this about?  Who are you people?  And who is this guy?
Rhahid: We're spies from Thorfinn.  We want you to help us.
Aran: You told him we're spies?  Now we'll have to kill him!
Sapphire: (puts her head in her hands)

After lengthy discussion, it becomes clear that Jon's daughter is being
held hostage at Jhaveks court, currently located at his winter palace
upriver.

Aran: Then we must free this maiden in distress!
Tron: If we leave the city, the wendol will kill us for certain.
Rhahid: My magic will defeat them!
Morogh: I'm strong.  I will fight wendol.
Tron: Have you ever fought them?
Morogh: Ummm... no.
Jon: What's going on and who are you people again?
Aran: A knight of Hieroneous never backs down!
Tron: Do they commit suicide?
Rhahid: Why are we killing this Ripper guy anyway?  We have the
shipwright now.

And so on.

Sapphire: They've been doing nothing but argue for the past two days.
Nigil: You should have left us in the castle.

There is a knock at the door.  An urchin enters.

Urchin: Helge says to say that he's ready to lead you to the
Boss... er, I mean, the Ripper's lair.
Aran: Not now, we're having a meeting!

TO BE CONTINUED