Jenni's Page
(These cute bears were adopted from Baby Cyber Teddies.)
When Rick and I married in the summer of 1992, we didn't wait very long to start actively "trying" to get pregnant. As the years have passed with only one known pregnancy that ended in the death of our precious daughter, Noel Alexis (meaning "Christmas Minister of Needs") to miscarriage on December 27, 1994, we have come to truly understand the pain of infertility and the grief of bereaved parents. If you are facing the pain of empty arms, my heart goes out to you. I pray that by sharing my story so publicly, your private pain may be eased in some tiny way.
Would you would like more information about our Christian infertility, pregnancy loss, and early infant death support organization? Please visit this link:
To "chat" with other Christian couples who also understand the pain of infertility or loss, go to the #HP explanation page to learn how our live chat channel works. This page also has links to other infertility chat information. If you are struggling with the inability to conceive or the death of your child at any time from conception through infancy, our payers are with you. Please let us know how we may be of encouragement to you!
Hannah's Prayer is an international Christian infertility, pregnancy loss, and early infant death support organization started by Rick and Jennifer Saake as a result of their own frustrated efforts to have a child. Encouragement is offered through the quarterly newsletter Hannah to Hannah and a growing number of local care/support group chapters. (At this point, most chapter are within the United States). Here is the Saake's story:
We were married on August 15, 1992. We both knew we wanted as many children as God would give us, but I had been dealing with female problems from the time I was 13, and had been on birth controll pills ever since I was 16 to controll the painful and irregular periods that could put me down in bed for days. I also have a chronic illness and we did not really know how wise a pregnancy would be for me at that point. I stayed on the pills the first few months of our marriage, but neither of us felt total peace about me taking them. In Novemeber of '92, Rick told me that he wanted to have a baby...I was thrilled!!! We went to see the doctor about pregnancy and my physical condition and he told us it would be fine to try.
That was the start of our walk down the path of infertility. Our only known pregnancy within these past 5+ years ended in the early miscarriage in December of 1994. Our loss was too early too know for sure if the baby had been a boy or a girl, so we carefully selected "unisex" names with a meaning we really liked, but in our hearts we think of Noel as a girl.
We have been in and out of infertility treatments (the "out" parts due to finances and insurance) since July '93. In total, I have taken nearly 1 1/2 years worth of fertiltiy medication, and been poked, prodded, examined, and tested more times and in more ways than I care to recall. In our case, Rick seems to be fine, but I have multiple problems. (As a side note infertility is statistically as commonly caused by male factor issues as by female. In either case, couples should approach infertility or the death of a baby as "our" problems rather than "his" or "her" problems. Rick has been wonderful about not allowing me to carry the burden and emotional self-blame of infertility or miscarriage alone.)
Even before we married and had any idea we would be facing a battle with infertility, Rick and I had talked about our desire to adopt children. Our idea was to have "some of each" and build our family through both biological and adoptive parenthood. When we began to truly understand how hard it would be for us to get pregnant or carry a pregnancy, adoption wasn't a "second best" option for us, but simply another option. In addition to our continued effots to have biological children, we have also "lost" four children to failed adoption attempts. The Lord has protected us emotionally by never allowing us to get very far along in any of these situations before we reallized that they wouldn't work out, but they have still been very painful stepping stones along our infertility journey.
I have PCO (Polycystic Ovaries). I rarely cycle at all without fertility medications or birth controll pills. In 1996/1997 I had to go back on birth controll pills for the 8 months (this was a hard step emotionally!) to help my ovaries rest as they were encased in about 30 cysts. The cysts have now cleared. Praise the Lord! My laparoscopy last June showed stage-2 Endometriosis and I had a doctor who wanted me to try Depot-Lupron to induce a 6 month period of "psudo mentopause" but I was not prepared to put my 25-year old body through that drastic step. We have been again trying "on our own" since then.
I had been diagnosed (via HSG) in December '95 with a bicornuate uterus, but my laparoscopy over the summer also revealed that my uterus is now normal. Either the first test was mistaken, or God has healed, but either way, we are thankful for this wonderful news! There are also several problems still under investigation including possible DES exposure, hormone immballances, and auto-immune complications. It is possible that I have been pregnant several times with early unconfirmed losses.
When we finally conceived Noel in '94 in was at a point when we were not in treatment, so we feel that her conception (and even the fact that I ovulated to be able to conceive) was a true miracle. That made it even harder to accept when we lost her just 2 days after Christmas. It was a very early loss, only 17 days after ovulation. We never experienced the joy of telling our families or even seeing a positive test. It was only confirmed after she was gone.
We find comfort in the fact that Noel is with our great God in Heaven, but we miss her so much. She would have been born around September 2, 1995. I still think of her every day and cry for her often. For those of you who have just recently lost a child, it may frighten you to think that your grief will still be just as sharp when you several years "down the road" like we are. Let me assure you that the pain never fully goes away, you never forget your precious child, but the crushing grief of a recent loss does soften with time. Please take hope that your intense heartache will not be so unbearable forever!
In early February of this year, God opened the doors for us to be able to see a wonderful Christian RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) named John Gililland at the Northern California Fertility Center. We will not be able to continue seeing Dr. G. on a regular basis because of our recent move to Nevada, but the consultation was encouraging. We are hopefully going to start injectable and IUIs with a fertility center in Nevada sometime this summer if insurances and finances can be worked out.
You are welcome to visit our personal web site to learn about our other interests. sign our guest book when you are over there! I look forward to getting to know you in #HP! :o)
This page � 1997 - 1999 [email protected]. All rights reserved.
