One day a guy was out doing yard work when his blonde female neighbor came stomping outside, walked to her mailbox, opened the door, slammed it shut, and stomped back in. A few minutes later the blonde stomped outside, walked to her mailbox, opened the door, looked in and slammed the door shut again. This continued 3 or 4 more times. The last time the blonde flung open her door, marched to the mailbox flung open the mailbox looked inside and slammed the door shut harder then ever. Confused, the man asked, "Something wrong?" The blonde looked at him and said, "Yes there's something wrong. My stupid computer keeps saying 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!!'"
How many college sudents does it take to change a light bulb?
(Michigan Version) At Michigan it takes two. One to change the bulb and one more to brag about how cool it was. At Michigan State it takes two thousand. One to change the bulb, and the other one thousand nine hundred ninety nine to riot and set it on fire. At Grand Valley State it takes ten, one to change the bulb and the other nine to sit around and watch because it is the big entertainment of the evening. At Ferris it takes zero. They are all too drunk from the night before to care whether or not the lights are on. At Eastern it takes four. One to change the bulb, one to steal the new bulb from the store, one as a look out, and one to drive the getaway car. At Central it takes eight. One to screw it in and seven to throw a party over it. At Wayne State it takes zero. Who wants to be in Detroit after dark anyway? Besides, some body stole them all. At Western it takes twelve, two to figure out how to screw it in and ten other drunks to find an ugly enough lampshade to match their school colors. At Adrian it takes zero. There is no electricity in Adrian, only cows and corn. At Northern it takes five. Four to strap on snowshoes and hike 10 miles to the nearest store to get the new bulb and one to screw it in. At Michigan Tech it takes twenty. One to change the bulb and the other nineteen to find a new way to engineer it so it never has to be changed again. At Hillsdale it takes zero. They have Mommy and Daddy pay someone to do it for them. (Albion for that matter, too) At Alma it takes fifteen. One guy to change the light bulb, and fourteen girls to look up his kilt. At Hope it takes 3. One to change the light bulb, and two to guard it from being hit by another Frisbee At Saginaw Valley it takes five, one to bring the weed and four to smoke it while they all imagine they screwed it in. At Oakland it takes zero, they can't afford light bulbs just like they cannot afford a football team.
Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He says "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here honey- try these on.' So, she did and said, 'Well sweetie there a little too big, I wear them.' So I replied, ...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night we have never had any problems." "Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. So, on his honeymoon Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here babe, try these on." So she does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me." So Jack says, "...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that." Then Jill takes off her panties and hands them to Jack and says, "Here, you try on mine." So he does and says, "I can't even get into your panties." Jill says,"...exactly. And if you don't change your fucking attitude, you never will."