A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, how old are you?" The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older." The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up." The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now." The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just like a report card from school. It tells you everything." Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. You're 39 years old." The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?" The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 145 pounds." "Where did you learn that?" The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce." "You got an "F" in sex."
So, it seems that two nuns were traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and scratches at the windshield! "Quick, quick!!" shouts the first nun, "What shall I do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination," shouts the second. She switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and hisses even more loudly! "What shall I do now?" shouts the first nun. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican!" says the second. Dracula steams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns. "Now what?" screams the first nun. "Show him your cross!" says the second. So the nun rolls down the window and shouts: "GET OFF MY FUCKING HOOD!!"