The Animal Monologue

By Jason Sinkhorn

 

As a friend and I were driving down the road the other night a young buck white tail deer ran across the road.  We naturally slowed down….it’s really hard to type with this band-aid on my middle finger.  Anyway, behind the young buck strutted a pretty young doe.  We stopped to let her pass.  Then it came to me.  We should have hit it.  Yelled out the window to the young buck, “It isn’t worth it man she’ll just break your heart.”  But then something else came to mind.  Animals don’t have to worry about that.  Now don’t get me wrong I enjoy being a human, but come on you have to admit animals have it good.  I mean, the male usually runs around humping everything in heat over series of time.  Then what does he do?  He leaves.  Goes to find new females to “mate” with.  “Mate”  uh….no.  I don’t think animal experts should be allowed to call it mating.  “Mating” is being a mate, staying with someone, not humping everything in sight.  If that’s mating then chicks in bars wouldn’t be considered lonely.  So the male does his thing and leaves…now granted some animals stay with their quote mate but not very many.  Heck half the time humans don’t anymore.  But animal males don’t get chased down by lawyers to collect child support and alimony payments do they?  Nooooo.  The dad animal just runs off never to be heard from again.  It don’t effect the great cycle any.  It’s the way it is.  His male kids don’t grow up and get curious about trying on women’s clothing because daddy didn’t teach them how to act.  They just go on.  Looking at the female perspective from animal-dom, the female just takes care of the kids long enough for them to learn how to walk and gather.  Easy stuff really.  When was the last time you saw three doe deer gathering around a table complaining that their jerk ex isn’t around?  Never.  The female doesn’t go into a depressed slump and start doing crack, she just poops and eats grass.  That’s basically it.  They poop drink water and eat grass, teach their kids how to poop drink water and eat grass, then the cycle is complete.  See they don’t show this in Disney movies.  Can you imagine if The Lion King’s song “Circle of Life” included the lyrics: “In the circle of life it’s an endless cycle of drinking water, pooping and eating grass”.  A little later in the movie, King Mufasa appears dead.  This is such an act.  What we have here is an animal with a conscience.  He plays dead so his wife lion won’t think he just ran off.   He pretends to be dead, wakes up after Simba leaves, and goes down the prairie where he told Simba never to go.  Why not?  Because that’s where he had originally planned on meeting the new lioness.  Back to the female doe though.  She just does it.  Now I’m not saying that human life should be like this at all.  I believe deadbeat dad’s including but not limited to, the fathers who don’t care two shakes of a dogs broken leg about their children should be beat repeatedly across the head for being stupid enough to do that.  They’re just more or less adding to the population of future deadbeats.  Guys these days don’t take nearly enough responsibility and consideration for their wives, kids, and families.  Come on guys, that’s what separates us from the animals, we have a choice to be there for them.  Please excuse me, I need to get a drink, eat some food, and….well nevermind. 

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