Scene 1: Int. Living Room
DAVE is sitting on his couch, looking BORED, holding the TV remote and just flipping through the stations. A shot of the TV shows the various shows Dave is passing by, then he stops on one and on the screen is Dave talking to his BOSS.
BOSS
(On TV)
So David, I hear that you need some time off.
DAVE
(On TV)
Yeah, that's what the police and the therapist say.
BOSS
Well, you have some vacation time coming up, I'll go ahead and give you next week off. If you don't feel better, you can have the following week off. You still have to go to anger managment classes?
DAVE
Yeah, only because the courts say so. I really don't have any anger problems.
Back to Dave on the couch, he changes the channel. On the TV screen now is Dave, holding a bottle of whiskey, talking to a bouncer guy.
DAVE
(On TV, drunk)
Listen to me, ass-wipe-head-hole....I love Linkin Park and I'm going to go see them NOW!!
Bouncer
(ON TV)
Not without tickets and a backstage pass.
DAVE
SCREW YOU!!!
Dave starts beating on the guy and the guy fights back.
Back to Dave on the couch, he flips through the channels again, then stops at a station and throws the remote on the floor in frustration.
DAVE
Daytime TV sucks!
Dave gets up and leaves the living room.
Scene 2: Int. Kitchen
Dave walks into his kitchen, goes to the refridgerator, and opens it. Inside are bottles of beer and various other boozes. Dave picks up a beer and looks at it. Suddenly standing next to him is TRUDY, Dave's girlfriend.
(Trudy really isn't there, this is a figment of Dave's imagination)
TRUDY
You're not EVEN thinking about drinking that are you?
DAVE
But I'm so BORED!
TRUDY
Did you forget what I said?! If you so much as let one drop of alchol touch your mouth, we are OVER! FINISHED!! DONE!!!
DAVE
Ok, ok, you don't need to rattle off the entire Thesaurus.
Dave puts bottle of beer back.
DAVE
Since you're here, you wouldn't be interested in a little fantasy foreplaying?
Dave stands back up and Trudy is gone.
DAVE
A simple no would've been fine.
Dave closes the fridge. He shakes his head.
DAVE
I'm starting to get that cabin fever, I need to keep my mind occupied.
Music: McClusky's "To Hell With Good Intentions"
Scene 3: Int. Living room
While the song is playing loudly, Dave is head banging and playing air guitar while moshing around in his living room. He moshes around the room and he stumbles and falls, but Dave grabs onto the ironing board that's against the wall. He stands back up and looks at it, then looks around the house.
Later, Dave is behind the ironing board, ironing a pair of pants. The song is still playing and Dave is still singing along to it. Next to him on the table are stacks of folded freshly ironed shirts, pants, shorts, socks, underwear, curtains, and various other types of fabric. Dave finishes what he is currently ironing, folds it, and puts it in the pile. Then he looks around and doesn't find anything. Dave shrugs his shoulder and starts to take off his clothes.
Cut to-
Scene 4: Int. Living Room
Music: Enrique Iglasias "Hero"
The song is playing loudly and Dave is kneeling on the floor, lip synching the song, looking like he's crying. He reaches out to something. Turns to Dave's P.O.V to a picture of Jennifer Love Hewitt taped on the TV screen. Dave goes up to the TV and hugs it, putting his cheek against the picture, still looking like he's crying.
Scene 5: Int. Kitchen
Dave is sitting at the kitchen table and on the table are two Barbie dolls, dressed like hookers. Then Dave brings up to the table a G.I Joe figure and puts it near the Barbie dolls.
DAVE
(Doing the voice of G.I Joe)
Yo, bitches!! You got my money yet?
Dave then switches over to the voice of Barbie doll #1.
DAVE
(As Barbie Doll #1)
Not yet, Pimp Joe.
DAVE
(As G.I Joe)
And why the hell not? I told you what would happen if you didn't have my money next time!
Dave makes G.I Joe's arm smack the Barbie doll.
DAVE
(As G.I Joe)
Now you know what you must do.
Dave stands the G.I Joe doll up and makes the Barbie doll get on her knees and stand in front of G.I Joe.
DAVE
(As G.I Joe)
Oh yeah bitch, that's how you do it. Uh-huh!!
Dave makes various groaning noises.
Later-
Dave opens the fridge and looks in.
DAVE
Damn, all I have is booze.
Dave closes the door.
DAVE
Time to go to the store.
Scene 6: Int. Front Door
Dave grabs his keys, opens the door, and walks out.
Screen reads:
45 Minutes Later
Dave opens the door and walks back in carrying two bags of groceries and a case of pop. He closes the door and puts the groceries on the table. He opens the case of pop, takes a can out, opens it, and drinks it. He puts the can down and starts to put the groceries away in the cupboard. He pulls out a bottle of chocolate syrup and puts it next to the pop can on the table and puts an item on the shelf. He's about to grab something else when he looks at the syrup next to the can. He stops and thinks for a minute. Then he grabs a glass and puts it on the table. He pours in the pop, then he squirts in some chocolate syrup. For argument sakes, let's use Pepsi. Dave puts the chocolate syrup down and gets a spoon and mixes it all in. He looks at the glass then sighs before grabbing the glass and drinking it. Dave shudders for a moment then looks at the glass.
DAVE
That's not too bad.
Dave looks at the rest of his groceries, then he turns around and looks at his blender. Dave suddenly smiles.
Music: Red Hot Chili Pepper's "Suck My Kiss"
Dave grabs all of his groceries from the bag and puts them on the table. He plugs the blender in and pours in the Pepsi/Chocolate Syrup drink in, then he adds:
One Tomato
One Green Pepper
A Box of Macroni And Cheese, macroni and the powdered cheese included
Five Marshmellows
Taco Seasoning
Can of Spam
One Carrot
Two Eggs
A Potato (Cut open to fit into the blender)
And some Gummi Bears.
Dave puts the lid on the blender and hits liquidfy and lets it blend for a good minute or two. When he's convinced it's liquidfied enough, he stops it and is about to take the container off the base when there is a knock on his door. The music ends. Dave goes to the door and opens it. Standing outside is Ralph, his neighbor.
DAVE
Oh, hi Ralph, come on in.
RALPH
Thanks.
Ralph walks in.
RALPH
Thanks. I was just wondering if you have any gas for my lawn mower, I ran out.
DAVE
No, I use electric.
RALPH
Aw, damn.
Ralph looks at the table and sees the food and the blender.
RALPH
What are you doing?
DAVE
Well...I'm on temperary leave at work and Trudy is mad at me right now...and there's nothing on TV...so I thought I'd mix in a bunch of food to see what it'd taste like together.
Ralph looks at Dave. Dave looks kind of embarrassed about the whole thing.
RALPH
Dude...that has to be...the single...COOLEST thing ever!!
Dave looks surprised.
RALPH
How'd it taste?
DAVE
I don't know, I haven't tried it yet.
RALPH
What's in it?
Ralph walks to the blender and studies the contents.
DAVE
Umm...some eggs, spam, green peppers, tomatoes, marshmellows, mac and cheese, taco seasoning, a carrot, a potoato, and this weird Pepsi and chocolate syrup drink I made that inspired the whole thing.
RALPH
Cool. Can I add a few more things?
DAVE
Sure. Like what?
RALPH
Like...
Ralph goes to the fridge and opens it. He pulls out ketchup, mustard, tabasco sauce, A1, a jar of pickles, a jar of mayonase, and BBQ sauce. He squirts in the ketchup, mustard, BBQ sauce, adds a drop of tabasco, two drops of A1, puts the pickle inside, and then with a knife adds some mayonase. Ralph looks at Dave.
RALPH
Did you add any desert stuff?
DAVE
Um, I don't think so.
Ralph goes to the cupboard and brings out some Oreos, a box of Fruit Loops, and a bag of sugar. He puts in three Oreos, pours in some Fruit Loops, and pours a little sugar. He closes it and hits liquidfy.
RALPH
Now this should taste interesting, huh?
DAVE
Yeah. I just hope the combination of sugars and fats and carbs doesn't make a bomb.
RALPH
Nah, it'll be fine. It should be done now.
Ralph stops the blender and is about to take the container off the blender when the door opens suddenly and MICK, Ralph's friend, walks in.
MICK
Hey, did you get the gas or not? I gotta get going!
RALPH
Oh shit, I'm sorry Mick, I forgot. Mick, this is my neighbor, Dave.
DAVE
What's up?
MICK
What the hell are you guys doing? Pretending to be Martha Stewart?
DAVE
Yeah, minus the prison time.
RALPH
Dave wondered what it would taste like if common household food items were blended together, so between me and him, we added some things to see what it'd taste like.
Mick just glares at Ralph, then looks at the blender. He looks at Dave.
MICK
Yeah? What'd you add?
DAVE
Don't make me go through the list again.
RALPH
Stuff like carrots, potatoes, Oreos, Fruit Loops, Mac & Cheese, some ketchup, mustard, A1, tabasco, mayo, Spam, and various things like that.
MICK
Really?
Mick looks into it now.
MICK
I got an idea. I'll be back.
Mick runs out of the house.
DAVE
Nice guy.
RALPH
Eh, we just go fishing together.
DAVE
Well, make sure he doesn't put poison in it, I gotta go to the bathroom.
Dave leaves the kitchen and Mick runs back in with a bag of Beggin' Strips. He pulls out one and puts it in the blender.
RALPH
That's nasty!
MICK
Yeah...here, we'll cover it up.
Mick opens the fridge and pulls out a bottle of beer and a bottle of Absolut Vodka. He opens both and pours both into the blender. He covers it and liquidfy's it. Dave comes back out.
DAVE
Ok, did you guys add what you wanted to?
RALPH
Yep.
DAVE
You know, now that I have an audience, we should make this interesting.
MICK
What, you want us to jerk off into it?
DAVE
NO!! I mean place a bet.
RALPH
Hm, ok, I'll get in on that. I'll give you 20 bucks if you drink it.
MICK
Hell, I'll give you 50.
RALPH
Then I'll give you a hundred.
MICK
Two hundred!
RALPH
I'm stopping at a hundred. You on, Dave?
DAVE
Between you guys, get three hundred bucks? Hell yeah.
Dave stands in front of the blender, hits "liquidfy" one more time, and sighs. Ralph and Mick watch him. Dave turns the blender off and pulls the container from the base. Dave licks his mouth and puts the container to his mouth.
DAVE
Somebody count to three.
RALPH
Ok.
Dave moves his head, cracking his neck, and takes another deep breath.
RALPH
One...Two...
Long pause.
RALPH
THREE!!
Dave closes his eyes and puts the container to his lips and drinks from it.
Scene goes black.
ALTERNATE ENDINGS
Ending #1
Screen reads:
Three Days Later
Scene 7: Ext. Outside
Ralph and Mick are standing outside, looking down at the camera.
MICK
So, what do you think it was that did it?
RALPH
I dunno. Might've been those beggin strips. Those aren't meant to be consumed by humans.
MICK
True, true. It might've been the Spam. I think THAT isn't meant for human consumption.
RALPH
Well, whatever the case may be, let's stick to our story and say we just found him. Otherwise we might be "accessory".
MICK
Right.
RALPH
Well, let's do it.
Ralph and Mick pick up some dirty and throw it on the camera, making the scene go dark.
Ending #2
Scene 7: Int. Living room
Four Days Later
Dave is lying on his couch and he wakes up. He is covered in types of food and red stuff that appears to be blood. Dave holds his head.
DAVE
Ohh...what happened?
He looks around and the entire place is trashed.
DAVE
Jesus.
Dave gets up and he goes into his bathroom. He turns the light on and inside the tub is Mick, looking scared, naked but covered with water and bubbles. Mick looks up at Dave.
MICK
(Scared)
A-Am I clean enough, sire?!
Dave
What the fuck?!
MICK
Please don't hit me again!!!!
Mick ducks down under the water. Dave turns around, but the door is closing and hanging on a hook on the door is Ralph's dead body. Dave looks at it and screams. Camera zooms in on Dave until the screen goes black.
Ending #3
Scene 7: Ext. Park
Four Days Later
Dave is sitting on a park bench and he wakes up. He looks around and looks down at himself. He's naked but there is a newspaper covering himself
DAVE
What the hell happened?
Dave looks around and is trying to stand up with some guy walking by notices Dave and stops. Then he turns and yells.
GUY
POLICE!!! I FOUND THE NAKED RUNNER!!!!!
DAVE
Oh shit!!
Dave gets up, holding the newspaper to himself, and he's running as fast as he can. He's being chased by a police officer.
Scene 8: Int. Dave's house
Dave runs into his house and closes the door. Standing inside the house is Trudy.
TRUDY
So, "The Naked Runner" finally returns huh?
DAVE
NO! I don't-
TRUDY
SAVE IT!! I knew you couldn't go two weeks without drinking!
DAVE
No, I didn't-
TRUDY
SAVE YOUR LIES!! I can't believe you'd do that to me.
Trudy goes up to Dave and slaps him, which makes him fall. Trudy opens the door and calls out.
TRUDY
OFFICER!! He's in here!!!!
The officer runs in and spots Dave.
OFFICER
There you are!! You're coming with me!!
The officer grabs Dave and is dragging him away.
DAVE
NOO!! I WAS JUST BORED!!! BORED!!! BORED!!!!!
Dave is taken out of the shot and it goes black.
Ending music: Green Day "Longview".
The End